# Relationships with Age Difference being acceptable in different cultures



## coconutpalm

Hi, everybody,
Here is my post originally for Chaska's thread "cross-cultural love". I guess most of you didn't see it because it's off-topic (not my intention, but... I'm terribly sorry, Mod )

Just had a quick look at your posts. No time to read from post to post.
Here is my story, or rather, the story of one of the girls in my dorm. Fresh. Happened only three days ago.
She's a Russian major and was working with a Russian overseas student on the basis of mutual help: she teaches him Chinese, and he teaches her Russian.
He is 45 years old, one year older than her father. Divorced. His youngest son older than my roommate.
3 days ago, he said "I love you"(I don't know the Russina version) to my roommate. She was scared nearly to death. 
"How could he!"
She decided that she would never work with him in the future.

However, in this case, I suppose age is the biggest problem, not the nationality. 
Is a relationship with huge age gap acceptable in other countries?

So here is my question: is huge age difference acceptable in your cultural? If so, to which extent?
In our society, if one is much older than the other in a relationship, it's generally assumed that the younger one is after the older one's money, or power. Abnormal.
Although people are getting more tolerant (there's a case where a poor young man marries an old disabled poor woman, and they do love each ohter. ), I think it will take a long time for many people to regard it acceptable, and for most people, it will remain unacceptable if HE/SHE him/herself is that person.
I remember when reading Jane Eyre and some of Jane Austine's works, it shocked me to find that the hero's much much older than  the heroine.


----------



## Sallyb36

It's the same here, it's generally regarded as the younger woman wanting the elder mans money, or the good lifestyle that he can provide her with.  I do know that this is not always the case, but even then, when a younger girl goes with an older man if she's not after his money it's quite likely that it will be perceived that she needs a father figure in her life.
If it's a younger man with an older woman it's the same, he's generally preceived as wanting her money, or good lifestyle, or even a mother figure in his life.


----------



## jinti

Hmmm, interesting question... especially to me, as I'm in a relationship with a significant age difference (he is 24 years older than I am).

While we have gotten the occasional "hairy eyeball" (strange look), most people don't seem to care much.  They have their own lives to think about, I guess.

My parents and friends thought it was odd at first, until they met him.  Same for his family/friends.

I think an important point is how young the younger person is.  If she (could be _he_, as well, but we'll go with _she_ in this post ) is very young, she may well grow up during the course of the relationship and want to take a different path from his later.  But if she is older, well, I think the age difference matters less and less.

To give an absurdly extreme example, there is a huge difference between a 2-year-old and a 22-year-old, but much less of one between a 42-year-old and a 62-year-old.


----------



## luis masci

I have to say the situation in Argentina respect to that point is the same, and people’s speculation is here in the same sense that Sallyb told. 
So you see… seems the world is a big town in some aspects. However this kind of relationship is nowadays quite common among movie stars for example. I know a lot of couples with considerable different ages (both, younger man with an older woman and vice-versa).
I remember one of the former famous cases in the world was Charles Chaplin and his young wife. In that case the marriage worked out fairly well.Do you remember them?


----------



## tvdxer

It depends.  A 20-year-old pursuing a 13-year-old would not be accepted in any case, in any social group (except pedophiles) in the U.S.  On the other hand, a 27-year-old and a 20-year-old dating would hardly be offensive, and a 34-year-old dating a 27-year-old would not raise an eyebrow.  I would say there is an effect of diminishing returns here.  

Any difference of 15-20+ years will probably be looked upon as strange, however.  And a rich 67 year old dumping his same-aged wife for a drop-dead gorgeous 24 year old will be disapproved, obviously.


----------



## Victoria32

tvdxer said:


> It depends.  A 20-year-old pursuing a 13-year-old would not be accepted in any case, in any social group (except pedophiles) in the U.S.  On the other hand, a 27-year-old and a 20-year-old dating would hardly be offensive, and a 34-year-old dating a 27-year-old would not raise an eyebrow.  I would say there is an effect of diminishing returns here.
> 
> Any difference of 15-20+ years will probably be looked upon as strange, however.  And a rich 67 year old dumping his same-aged wife for a drop-dead gorgeous 24 year old will be disapproved, obviously.


In New Zealand it is looked on with a lot of disapproval... and a bit of "lucky beggar" when a top model (I have a particular woman in mind) goes off with one older man after another...

That being said, I fell for a younger man (like the proverbial ton of bricks) a few months back. 

Che cosi come un macello! 

However, I got something good out of it. He's Italian and I decided to learn his language, the better to use some parolaccia to/about him should the opportunity ever arise... 

It was about him that Catullus wrote "Odi et amo - excrucior!" all those millennia back...


----------



## Etcetera

For Russian people, it's quite shocking when a young woman marries a man who's older than she. If the difference between them is some 5-6 years, it's pretty normal, but if the husband is some 20 years his wife's senior...
That was the case of a well-known Russian actor: he married a woman who was younger. The difference was 27 years. Their marriage seems to be a happy one, but oh my! The reporters still can't leave them alone!

But if an elderly woman marries a young man, it's far more awful.


----------



## coconutpalm

Thanks for your posts!
However, I think I should have emphasized that what I'm asking about is relationships with huge age difference, and what's the definition of "huge".

You have raised some interesting issues!
Yes, it would be totally unacceptable if one side of the relationship is too young. How to define this "too"? Um, I think someone in the high school(16-18, or in some cases, 14-16) is still too young for an adult. 

And there's again gender discrimination. 
If a young man falls in love with an older woman, well, even if the woman is only two or three years older, many people will throw them "that kind of look". However, this kind of love is popular these days, haha.
Yet the extent of people's tolerance to an older-woman-plus-younger-man is still far less than that to an older-man-plus-young-woman.
Is it that the same in your countries?


----------



## Victoria32

coconutpalm said:


> ....
> Yet the extent of people's tolerance to an older-woman-plus-younger-man is still far less than that to an older-man-plus-young-woman.
> Is it that the same in your countries?


Absolutely! That has been my experience...


----------



## Heba

Sallyb36 said:


> It's the same here, it's generally regarded as the younger woman wanting the elder mans money, or the good lifestyle that he can provide her with. I do know that this is not always the case, but even then, when a younger girl goes with an older man if she's not after his money it's quite likely that it will be perceived that she needs a father figure in her life.
> If it's a younger man with an older woman it's the same, he's generally preceived as wanting her money, or good lifestyle, or even a mother figure in his life.


 
It is the same here. 

And yes, there is a kind of discrimination as marriage between young men and older women is less acceptable than that between young girls and older men


----------



## luis masci

Heba said:


> It is the same here.
> And yes, there is a kind of discrimination as marriage between young men and older women is less acceptable than that between young girls and older men


The same here, however there are some females T.V. celebrities who usually date men between 30/40 year old. That is something they always did, I mean… they didn’t change their taste, but now they are about 60 (For those who know this territory I’m talking about Susana Jimenez and Moria Casán)



jinti said:


> To give an absurdly extreme example, there is a huge difference between a 2-year-old and a 22-year-old, but much less of one between a 42-year-old and a 62-year-old.


That recalls me an old math challenge. It says that a 20 year old boy wants to marry a 5 year old girl (please consider it only since the math point of view). The boy is now 4 times her age, but 10 years further he will be 30 and she 15. So the difference will be then shorter to 2 times. 
The question is: how many years they should wait until both of them will be the same age?


----------



## wsitiplaju

coconutpalm said:


> If a young man falls in love with an older woman, well, even if the woman is only two or three years older, many people will throw them "that kind of look". However, this kind of love is popular these days, haha.


 
The parents of a friend of mine disapproved of her boyfriend because he is a few MONTHS younger than she is.  
Lordy.


----------



## Etcetera

coconutpalm said:


> And there's again gender discrimination.
> If a young man falls in love with an older woman, well, even if the woman is only two or three years older, many people will throw them "that kind of look". However, this kind of love is popular these days, haha.
> Yet the extent of people's tolerance to an older-woman-plus-younger-man is still far less than that to an older-man-plus-young-woman.
> Is it that the same in your countries?


Yes, it's absolutely the same. I find it rather surprising. All in all, it's a personal matter...
But it's quite normal in Russia when the wife is 1-2 years her husband's senior. That's the case with my parents.


----------



## rosanna3749

What do you think about a relation in which there is a difference of age. For example a woman is 48 years old and a man is 34 years old


----------



## FranParis

Usually I do not have any thoughts about it.

But, coming to think about that, 49 and 37 would be better, Rosanna...


----------



## alexacohen

> Originally Posted by *coconutpalm*
> Yet the extent of people's tolerance to an older-woman-plus-younger-man is still far less than that to an older-man-plus-young-woman.
> Is it that the same in your countries?


Same in Spain.... but I have to say that if a husband leaves his wife after 35 years marriage for a young girl the age of his children, he will be criticised to death by his female acquaintances, and so will his new fiancee. However, most of his male acquaintances will congratulate him.
(Not a general rule, but quite common).
But if a woman left her husband after 35 years marriage for a young man the age of her children... she would be all but crucified...
Alexa


----------



## Athaulf

luis masci said:


> That recalls me an old math challenge. It says that a 20 year old boy wants to marry a 5 year old girl (please consider it only since the math point of view). The boy is now 4 times her age, but 10 years further he will be 30 and she 15. So the difference will be then shorter to 2 times.
> The question is: how many years they should wait until both of them will be the same age?



Once I saw a formula saying that if your age is _A_, you shouldn't look at anything younger than _A/2 + 7_  years. Despite its simplicity, its results fit the social expectations surprisingly well for almost any age. 

In your example, the above formula implies that they should wait until he's 44 and she's 29. A quite reasonable result, I'd say.


----------



## winklepicker

My wife is 22 years older than me. We will celebrate our 30th wedding anniversary this year. By and large, we've been blissfully happy. All of the people who refused to come to the wedding, or expressed disapproval, are now either divorced or dead.  

There is prejudice, yes, and you get used to saying 'darling' loudly to your spouse when shop assistants look queerly at you so they don't say 'does your mother want to try this dress?'. People make assumptions. That's OK - we all do.

But in terms of friends, it's a great filter. Those who can't deal with it are the people we don't want to know. Our many, many friends treat us as people, not ages. And some days I'm the older by far.


----------



## Fernando

Athaulf said:


> Once I saw a formula saying that if your age is _A_, you shouldn't look at anything younger than _A/2 + 7_  years. Despite its simplicity, its results fit the social expectations surprisingly well for almost any age.



People can match whoever they want. Intelligent or not, it is another business.

Anyhow, I agree with Athaulf that formula is quite good to describe social expectations (at least in Spain). I would not mind to engage with women with A/2+7 (even with A/2).


----------



## Etcetera

Athaulf said:


> Once I saw a formula saying that if your age is _A_, you shouldn't look at anything younger than _A/2 + 7_  years. Despite its simplicity, its results fit the social expectations surprisingly well for almost any age.


I remember reading about this very formula several years ago. The article said that it's the best age difference between a man and a woman who want to have a clever child.


----------



## Mate

rosanna3749 said:


> What do you think about a relation in which there is a difference of age. For example a woman is 48 years old and a man is 34 years old


*Me ne frego.*

At age 18 I fell in love with a woman that was ten years older and who also fell in love with me. 
Her friends often analyzed the situation from a Freudian perspective and concluded that there was a good deal of a "mother and son" component involved. 
My father was shocked to such an extent so as to preach me that that was an obscene relationship, no more than a sexual thing and that he totally disapproved it. 
We could not care less about all these nosy opinions. 
We had a beatiful experience that lasted a year or so. 

Then I met a girl four years younger than me. Her Italian father was outraged and even agressive towards me because I was 19 and she was 15!

We've been -an still are- married for 28 years now, so there: *me ne frego.*

Mate


----------



## ColdomadeusX

Anyways, my perspective on it is that in Australian culture, we have pretty much the whole trad. American view on it.I mean it's probably got to do alot with the way the media portrays it-really disgustingly rich older man gets a chick who's in her late teens (you know, that kind of thing).
But Mostly, we tend to view people in these types of relationships with huge age gaps as being in it for money and (in the older persons case) are sick perverted bastard using their money to get the younger person.
I however, don't like to sympathise with this view too much because although I know alot of cases to be true, I myself am in a relationship with a much older guy (old enough to be my father).
He has told some of his family (they're from Argentina and are completely cool with it) but I haven't told any of my family yet because I know they will try to break us up/won't support us, etc.
It'll be a tough time when I do have to eventually tell them.

ColdoX.


----------



## ColdomadeusX

I was looking at one of the threads already posted and this is kind of in relation to that.
Is it more acceptable to be an older man dating a much younger woman?-I'm talking between 10-20 yrs older.
Or is it more acceptable for a woman to be older and a man to be younger?
In my culture it is generally seen as the man being Ok to be older but if a woman is older then they are just looking for toyboys.
I understand that older men are also portrayed as rich, disgusting and just looking for girls who don't mind putting up with them for their money but what about women?
I supposed that for women it was less common to be in a relationship with an older man but am I wrong?-What's it like in your country/culture and what are your thoughts on the topic?

p.s. I am Australian.


----------



## Pirlo

Since we both live in Australia, we have to take into account how diverse our country is, so we can only generalise so much. Generally, I think it is acceptable, either way. The age difference of course might seem important, anything in between 15-25 years difference seems fine to me. My personal quarrel is that, society tends to make the assumption that if you are dating or married to a person of a different age then it is for one bad reason or another. However, where do we draw the line? There is too much stereotyping on cross-generation love.

I think that if it is genuinely love, there is nothing wrong at all. Nobody can tell a person the reason why their partner is dating them but themselves. If it is sincerely love, then I think it is perfectly acceptable.


----------



## Brioche

In the West, in the 21st century, marriage is about love and companionship.   It wasn't always so.

Once upon a time marriage was the only form of social security. It was about producing offspring to maintain you in your old age, and to maintain the family fortune.

A suitable female was young. Younger women are more fertile.
A suitable male was able to support the woman and the children, until the children were able to support themselves and the parents. It generally takes a while for a man to "establish" himself. 

With this view of the function of marriage, the young wife and the older husband makes perfect sense ~ and the old wife and the young husband does not.

This is how humans have chosen marriage partners since Adam and Eve, so it's not surprising that the attitude is still there.


----------



## Pirlo

Brioche said:


> [Previous Post]



I think that is a very objective view, however, is it really a view one would possess? Perhaps, however, it's perhaps a little too objective.

Women supposedly live longer than Men, so, if a Man was to say be anything from 10-5 years younger than his wife, do you really think that it would have such a malignant effect? I'm just interested to know, however, I've made quite a generalisation, although it's impossible for me to take peoples personal issues into account in order to accurately portray what I feel.


----------



## Brioche

Currently in Australia, women live on average 7 years longer than men, so Australian women should make sure their spouse has a good superannuation [pension] plan!


----------



## JazzByChas

In general, once a person is past 18...the age difference would depend on the persons involved.  Although ulterior motives usually mark a relationship where there is an age difference more than 20 years, most of the time it depends on the maturity of the people involved, and the younger one partner is, the reactions of friends and family, especially when your contemporary marries/dates someone old enough to be their parent or child.


----------



## .   1

Brioche said:


> Currently in Australia, women live on average 7 years longer than men, so Australian women should make sure their spouse has a good superannuation [pension] plan!


Or marry someone at least seven years younger.

.,,


----------



## Fernando

Brioche said:


> Currently in Australia, women live on average 7 years longer than men, so Australian women should make sure their spouse has a good superannuation [pension] plan!



You are right. In developed world men live (at least) 4 years less than women. But in a historical view (that is when prejudices are built) women lived less than men (fever produced by birth).

Women marry about 3 years before than man, almost in every country (see statistics in Wiki), so I think that popular wisdom works here.

Of course, on an individual basis, general statistics have little to say.


----------



## Lugubert

Brioche said:


> In the West, in the 21st century, marriage is about love and companionship. It wasn't always so.
> 
> Once upon a time marriage was the only form of social security. It was about producing offspring to maintain you in your old age, and to maintain the family fortune.
> 
> A suitable female was young. Younger women are more fertile.
> A suitable male was able to support the woman and the children, until the children were able to support themselves and the parents. It generally takes a while for a man to "establish" himself.
> 
> With this view of the function of marriage, the young wife and the older husband makes perfect sense ~ and the old wife and the young husband does not.
> 
> This is how humans have chosen marriage partners since Adam and Eve, so it's not surprising that the attitude is still there.


Among many other countries, this was how Sweden worked. A man had to have livestock, fields and a house to be able to marry.

Nowadays, there might be a similar tendency, but it could equally well be that an emancipated woman who has acquired a comfortable living finds mutual attraction involving a younger man.

I'm not interested in other people's arrangements, but I think that age differences either way are mainly tolerated in Sweden. A friend of mine and of my 14 years younger then fiancée married a girl a year or two older than his oldest daughter. Comments were not on their age difference but on how the relationship seemed to turn out.

[digression, perhaps, as it isn't a "relationship" as hinted in the OP] I must admit, though, that large differences might be regarded suspicious. I "sponsor" a girl, 40% my age and thus <(_n_/2 +7). I met her in university Chinese class, and found that she had more qualities than most, and that she deserved much more than what she so far had experienced. I find financing her finishing her masters in chemistry (my first degree, although mine was i _engineering_ chemistry) is far more rewarding to me than giving that kind of money to a more or less anonymous OECD schooling project in Nepal.

From my point of view and interests, that she speaks six languages from three widely separated language families is just great.

There are of course people who try to imagine an ulterior motive, but those who get to know her soon realize that she has tons of integrity. We just dismiss such people.[/digression]


----------



## alexacohen

Hello:
I think that we are mixing up two things. Love relationships are one thing and "fishing" relationships are other thing.
I don't know if fishing is the right word. I mean those men and women who decide to marry money/power and just look for any person with them and they fish whoever is at hand, without caring for the real person in the least.
I hope everybody understands what I mean. It sounds quite confusing.
Alexa


----------



## Musical Chairs

Does anybody know anybody who married someone a lot older or younger who was _actually_ in love with the person? I don't, I've never heard of it, and I don't think I could ever fall in love with a 50 year old. Besides the fact that it's just way too strange, I don't think we'd ever really be on the same page. I admit, I think some older guys like Johnny Depp and George Clooney are hot but I'd never even sleep with anyone that old.

In college, a first year dating a fourth year sounds like a huge gap but I don't think it's very big once you're past that stage of your life.


----------



## .   1

Musical Chairs said:


> Does anybody know anybody who married someone a lot older or younger who was _actually_ in love with the person?


Winklepicker seemsto be a prime example.



Musical Chairs said:


> In college, a first year dating a fourth year sounds like a huge gap but I don't think it's very big once you're past that stage of your life.


It's all relative.

.,,


----------



## Musical Chairs

Well, winklepicker seems to be a very rare case because that's the first case I've heard. It's still super strange for me to imagine myself or any of my friends ever dating anyone that old, as none of us even talk about / consider that. I think if anything, I could be good friends with someone much older but I'd feel no attraction whatsoever. But I guess you never know. I'd never thought I'd love the only person I've ever loved.

I think winklepicker's very lucky to have found someone to be in love with. Winklepicker, how did you meet your wife? Did you think you'd marry someone so much older than you before you met her?


----------



## Etcetera

Musical Chairs said:


> I think if anything, I could be good friends with someone much older but I'd feel no attraction whatsoever. But I guess you never know.


You're absolutely right.
I have a lot of friends who are considerably older than myself. In fact, before I entered the University and met there a lot of interesting people of the same age, all my friends were at least two years older. 
As for actually _marrying_ a man considerably older than myself, well, I think that if I'd meet a man I'd like, I wouldn't think much of any age difference.


----------



## .   1

Musical Chairs said:


> Well, winklepicker seems to be a very rare case because that's the first case I've heard.


You are still quite young.
Winklepicker accounts for slightly more than 5% of the respondents here.
That is a statistically significant number.

.,,


----------



## Packard

tvdxer said:


> It depends. A 20-year-old pursuing a 13-year-old would not be accepted in any case, in any social group (except pedophiles) in the U.S. On the other hand, a 27-year-old and a 20-year-old dating would hardly be offensive, and a 34-year-old dating a 27-year-old would not raise an eyebrow. I would say there is an effect of diminishing returns here.
> 
> Any difference of 15-20+ years will probably be looked upon as strange, however. And a rich 67 year old dumping his same-aged wife for a drop-dead gorgeous 24 year old will be disapproved, obviously.


 
My Grandmother was married in Russia a the age of 13 and my uncle was only 14 years younger than she.  I don't know how old her husband was (and there is no one alive to tell me either) but my understanding it was an adult.  This was apparently culturally acceptable at that time.

As for the rich 67 year old being disapproved, it would depend on who was doing the judgment I would think.  Donald Trump would make a good judge.


----------



## Venezuelan_sweetie

Musical Chairs said:


> Well, (...)





. said:


> You are still quite young.
> Winklepicker accounts for slightly more than 5% of the respondents here.
> That is a statistically significant number.
> 
> .,,


Sorry for editing your post, Musical Chairs. I agree with Robert: you are still quite young. You still have a lot to see.

My case is exactly the opposite: I simply don't feel attracted by men my age -let alone younger!

As I said in a post I deleted above, my first... uh.. how to say.. grown-up boyfriend was 9 full years older than me. Quite shocking, considering I was a very innocent-looking teenager back then. That kind of relationships is not easily accepted in my culture, especially in my social context, but it does happen.

When I was a bit younger than you, I was in a relationship with a guy who was 15 years older than me. We both enjoyed each other's company, and we both were from the same social (economical?) context. There were no obstacles, nor comments, nor frowns upon us that could have taken us apart. Time did, eventually, as I was so wild and young, but I can assure you, my darling, that what we had was something a long way deeper than friendship.

Also, one of my dearest relatives married a man 8 years older than her, when she was 18 years old and he was 26. Now, almost thirty years -and four kids- later, they are still just as in love with each other as they were in their wedding day.

I have other examples of the sort (that is, successful marriages between two people who loved each other, no matter how huge the age gap between them), but I'm afraid that would make of this thread just a long sucession of chatty anecdotes. If anyone is interested in such anecdotes -which I doubt, anyway-, I'm available through private messages. 

Best wishes,
VS.


----------



## Musical Chairs

I think this may have to do with the fact that I don't hang out with older guys (not college age) that often, but in my life, I've *never* felt attracted to a guy 10 years or older even after talking to them and being around them for a while. I don't think 10 years older is THAT much of a difference. I actually used to have crush on a guy considerably older (probably around 7 years) when I was in elementary school but I don't think that counted because I didn't have any sexual attractions / any ideas about a relationship back then. I haven't known what guys a lot younger would be like because I'm not that old yet. Some guys think older women are cooler because they have more experience. And I think you have a better chance of marrying someone you really like who is much younger/older than you if you're attracted to people of that age group normally (which I'm not).  

I agree that Johnny Depp is smoking, but I couldn't sleep with him. Maybe this would be different if I didn't know he was that old, because I think he looks younger than his age. Or if I actually saw him in person.

It can happen and I think that's great, but I don't see it with me. But I also haven't been attracted to anybody in a while.


----------



## alexacohen

Musical Chairs said:


> I agree that Johnny Depp is smoking, but I couldn't sleep with him. Maybe this would be different if I didn't know he was that old, because I think he looks younger than his age.


Musical Chairs:
Years run faster than you can possibly realize. Enjoy your youth while it lasts.
But do not assume 50 years old people are _old._
_They aren't._
It's just that you can't possibly see it. 
35, 50, 60, 70 etc. years old can fall in love, can make love with as much passion as a 20 years old. And can feel the dissapointment and sadness of a betrayal with the same intensity.
Alexa


----------



## winklepicker

alexacohen said:


> Years run faster than you can possibly realize. Enjoy your youth while it lasts. But do not assume 50 years old people are _old. __They aren't._


Brilliantly put.

The 18-year old Winklepicker was not displaced by the 19-year old: the 19-year old (and all the other years since) were just superposed on him.

People are like onions - lots of layers: or trees - a new ring every year.


----------



## Musical Chairs

I think I have this stigma associated with age differences like I'm weirded out thinking about going out with someone older than my dad or younger than my brother. I can see what you're saying and I believe it, but I really just don't see it happening to me (definitely not at this point). I've already decided that I don't care if I don't get married, which most people my age don't think. I don't even see it as an issue.

This reminds me of a discussion I had with my friend about if we could ever go out with a fat guy. She said that she doesn't think so, and if her boyfriend got fat, she wouldn't be attracted to him anymore because 1) it's physically harder to make love when one is really fat and 2) it just won't look hot. I don't think I'm qualified to have opinions about this situation but it makes me wonder where the line is between things that wouldn't stop you from falling in love with someone and things that would. Age Differences? Weight? Familal relationship?

Years do fly, and I already feel old. I don't really know what you mean by "enjoy your youth while it lasts" in the context of this thread.


----------



## Mate

Musical Chairs said:


> I think I have this stigma associated with age differences like I'm weirded out thinking about going out with someone older than my dad or younger than my brother. I can see what you're saying and I believe it, but I really just don't see it happening to me (definitely not at this point). I've already decided that I don't care if I don't get married, which most people my age don't think. I don't even see it as an issue.
> 
> This reminds me of a discussion I had with my friend about if we could ever go out with a fat guy. She said that she doesn't think so, and if her boyfriend got fat, she wouldn't be attracted to him anymore because 1) it's physically harder to make love when one is really fat and 2) it just won't look hot. I don't think I'm qualified to have opinions about this situation but it makes me wonder where the line is between things that wouldn't stop you from falling in love with someone and things that would. Age Differences? Weight? Familal relationship?
> 
> Years do fly, and I already feel old. I don't really know what you mean by "enjoy your youth while it lasts" in the context of this thread.


 
Dear Musical Chairs,

Just enjoy life, every single minute of it. 
If you fall in love with someone, then go for it. 
If you don't feel like getting married, then don't. 

Think for yourself. Experience life for yourself; grow your own onion layers. 
Nobody can teach you the facts of life from their own perspective. 
All what we grown-ups can do is to share our own personal experiences from a unique perspective: ours, of course.

My wife and I have two sons; both of them are older than you. 
At some point we gave up trying to teach them how to react when facing any given situation. It's pointless: they have to go through those situations by their own.

Now, we are learning from them. We enjoy their growth, their achievements. That’s the onion layer we are wearing as a coat right now. And in a few more years there will be another one we do not know about and do not care about knowing.

Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans – John Lennon​ 
As for _I don't really know what you mean by "enjoy your youth while it lasts" in the context of this thread_, I'm intrigued too, but not just in the context of this thread  

Saludos - Mate


----------



## alexacohen

Gaudeamus igitur, iuvenes dum sumus.
Carpe Diem, Mate!
Alexa


----------



## jinti

Musical Chairs:

You know, someone your dad's age might be more than twice your age, which sounds like a lot. On the other hand, someone MY dad's age is way less than twice MY age. (I'm a lot older than you. ) And someone 10 years older than you is likely to be in a different place in their life career-wise, relationship-wise, etc., so I can see why you wouldn't be attracted. But someone 10 years older than me is much more likely to be in a place similar to mine. To me, this means that age gaps grow less significant as we grow older.

Often when we can't imagine something, it just means it hasn't happened to us yet.

I am in a relationship with a large age gap (24 years), which surprised me no less than anyone else. But I'm really in a relationship with the man, not with his age. That's just part of him, and maybe what enables him to have developed the attributes I was looking for. (What "looks hot" is thankfully less of a priority, although he _is_ kinda cute. ) I think that many women are looking for the qualities of an older man in a younger package. To me, the qualities make the package attractive. And love is hard enough to find -- when you find it, you don't reject it because it comes with the wrong color hair or with blood pressure medicine.  

We're all the oldest we've ever been, so our own ages are our current culminations. But those ahead of me tell me that there's a lot more to come.


----------



## .   1

alexacohen said:


> Gaudeamus igitur, iuvenes dum sumus.
> Carpe Diem, Mate!
> Alexa


OK I will have another go and reply with neither wit nor charm.

Yes.
I agree.
You should sieze the day.
You may only seize the day when you are at a point in your life where you are not negatively effected my naysayers and moral midgets who want to tell you how to live your life.

.,,
Yes but only when Dem Carpers no longer blah blah.. I can't remember it but it was clever.


----------



## Musical Chairs

jinti said:


> Musical Chairs:
> 
> You know, someone your dad's age might be more than twice your age, which sounds like a lot. On the other hand, someone MY dad's age is way less than twice MY age. (I'm a lot older than you. ) And someone 10 years older than you is likely to be in a different place in their life career-wise, relationship-wise, etc., so I can see why you wouldn't be attracted. But someone 10 years older than me is much more likely to be in a place similar to mine. To me, this means that age gaps grow less significant as we grow older.
> 
> Often when we can't imagine something, it just means it hasn't happened to us yet.
> 
> I am in a relationship with a large age gap (24 years), which surprised me no less than anyone else. But I'm really in a relationship with the man, not with his age. That's just part of him, and maybe what enables him to have developed the attributes I was looking for. (What "looks hot" is thankfully less of a priority, although he _is_ kinda cute. ) I think that many women are looking for the qualities of an older man in a younger package. To me, the qualities make the package attractive. And love is hard enough to find -- when you find it, you don't reject it because it comes with the wrong color hair or with blood pressure medicine.
> 
> We're all the oldest we've ever been, so our own ages are our current culminations. But those ahead of me tell me that there's a lot more to come.



Someone my dad's age WOULD be extremely old (because he is very old)...and my brother is 8 years younger. I'm very good friends with my brother though, even though we didn't used to be when we were younger. I'm glad because as he gets older, I feel like I can talk to him about more things. I do agree that as we get older, age gaps get smaller. I know I said that I wouldn't go out with someone so much older, but I also think that the reason I'm not attracted to guys my age (specifically at my school) is that I think they're immature. Many people say that guys my age aren't looking for a real relationship yet, and they just want to live it up, get drunk, hook up, and do that sort of thing for a while. But it's also in the way they speak and talk about things that I'm utterly turned off.

About not imagining things that haven't happeend to us yet, I see it _maybe_ happening but not until I'm older. Not now. I love someone I'd never thought I would love before, but it had nothing to do with age difference, weight, or familial relationships (those I mentioned before). They say love is blind but I think weight and familial connections are among those things that would seriously keep me from having special feelings (more than age difference). Those things aren't like hair color and blood pressure medicine. I'm almost sure I could never go out with a 300 lb. man or my brother. Is this because it hasn't happened to me yet? I don't think so.

I don't go looking for love. It happens when it does.


----------



## alexacohen

Musical Chairs said:


> Someone my dad's age WOULD be extremely old (because he is very old)


There is only one answer to this, Musical Chairs.
Ask yout father if he feels extremely old. 
The people who seem to you so old are just twenty years old who have lived longer.
Alexa


----------



## Musical Chairs

Answer to what? I don't think this is something I want to ask him at this point (for a few reasons). And I meant _objectively_ old, not "feeling" old.


----------



## alexacohen

Musical Chairs said:


> Answer to what? I don't think this is something I want to ask him at this point (for a few reasons). And I meant _objectively_ old, not "feeling" old.


That is the question, Musical Chairs. Age is subjective.
Alexa


----------



## Musical Chairs

Uh...you still haven't said what the question is. By OBJECTIVELY old(er), I meant that a person who has been breathing since 1900 is OBJECTIVELY older because he has existed for a longer time than I have (has experienced more countable units of time). I am objectively older than my brother in the same way, the same way some wines are OLDER than others. I'm never going to deny that fact, no matter now close in "age" I _feel_ to him. If the number of countable units of time you have existed is numerically greater than someone else's, this is what I call OBJECTVELY older.

Age is subjectively subjective. And if it's subjective, I can see how weight and familial relationships can be also.


----------



## alexacohen

You don't see the question because you can't. You're nineteen. It's not because you are ignorant, but because you haven't lived long enough. You are OBJECTIVELY young.
But, as an OBJECTIVELY old thirty five years old woman, age is not anymore an issue to me. Nor are years. I live, and enjoy what's there to enjoy. I am the twenty years old girl I once was. And the seven year old girl. And the twenty five year old woman. I am all of them.
Alexa.


----------



## Chaska Ñawi

> *Originally posted by alexacohen:*  I am the twenty years old girl I once was. And the seven year old girl. And the twenty five year old woman. I am all of them.



This is absolutely true for me, and you said it beautifully, but it is not for all of us.  My husband lives moment by moment, and his life is not linear at all.  He is who he is at this moment in time.

It seems we've addressed different perceptions of age as we age, and need to return to Coconut Palm's original question:



> Is a huge age difference acceptable in your cultural? If so, to which extent?



We've considered age differences and discussed whether age does or does not matter, so please let's return to the topic of cultural acceptance.


----------

