# Preparing to Propose



## Perlman00

I am planning to propose to my Japanese girlfriend and will be meeting her parents for the first time in two weeks. I would like to ask for their blessing, or even her hand the way we do in the states. Is this normal in Japan? What sort of words or phrase should I use.

I do speak Japanese quite well. I've lived in Japan (although quite a few years ago). But I've never proposed or considered it, so this is new territory for me.

Thanks in advance.


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## mikun

Hi,
As the Japanese parents hope their daughter's long happiness, you had better to show them how you are honest, healthy, workholic, and vow to care her all your life.


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## nhk9

After years of watching dramas and encountering similar situations, I would suggest that you use something like 一生掛けて（名前）を幸せにします

Goodluck!


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## Perlman00

Thank you. I do like the way that sounds. But telling them I will be making her happy forever isn't really the same as asking permission for her hand.

Is this customary as it is in the US?


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## RomanticBoy

What about 

nameをお願いします。

You could ask her father this.


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## Aoyama

> What about
> 
> nameをお願いします。
> 
> You could ask her father this.


 not really, unless you consider that lady as a piece of cake or a candy ... and by that will probably jeopardize your future with her ...
It is indeed difficult to answer that question, mainly because :
. you are a foreigner and cannot be expected to _behave_ and _speak_ (in that particular case) _as a Japanese_
. choice of words (as you very well know) can be very tricky in Japanese

I would be simple and do it the _Western way_ (though no guns) :
XX san (or _Musume to_) _kekkon sasete kudasai , onegaishimasu_.
You may also add : 





> 一生掛けて（名前/kanojo/musume）を幸せにします


you may even go further and say ... _wo chikaimasu_ (I swear).
But simplicity is the best.


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## RomanticBoy

I only suggested it because, although my memory may be faulty (it was a long time ago), that was the form of words I remember being told to use with my prospective father in law. Mind you, he was the sort who only knew the words meshi, shinbum and ofuro!


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## Perlman00

Thanks.

I've given it some more thought today because I will be meeting the parents this Saturday.

I know there is going to be a lot more to our dinner conversation and the marriage topic. I am quite comfortable in most Japanese conversations, but this one makes me a bit nervous, of course.

I think I will use this, "一生掛けて娘さんを幸せにします."

On the question of her father's blessing for marriage, would either of these be acceptable, or might one be better than the other?

お父さん、 娘さんと結婚させてください.

or

お父さんと、呼んでも良いですか？


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## Aoyama

お父さん、 娘さんと結婚させてください.
or
お父さんと、呼んでも良いですか？ 
As I'm sure you already know, these are two different things.
First of all, I would drop the お父さん part for a _later time _(once your proposal has been accepted), so that will also work for the whole お父さんと、呼んでも良いですか as well.
娘さんと結婚させてください is enough. Remains how you will call your future father-in-law (in that particular moment). Maybe just call him by his family name (just this once) : xxさん, 娘(さん)と結婚させてください. You could add, at the beginning : "yoroshi kereba" ...


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## Perlman00

I appreciate the feedback.

It feels a bit strange calling my girlfriend's father 武井さん. I thought if I were to ask お父さんと、呼んでも良いですか？, it would be a round-about way of bringing up the marriage discussion and getting around having to start with 武井さん. Then again, asking if I may call him お父さんと would kind of be a "soft" way of asking for his permission to marry his daughter too, right?

I may be over-thinking this. I guess I'm a little nervous.


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## nhk9

only say the following if you are 99percent sure that everything's gonna be ok:

お父さんと呼んでもよろしいでしょうか

while よいですか is grammatically acceptable, it's not suitable in this context as it would be too blunt for someone who's of higher social status than you.



If you are not sure about his response or his thoughts about you, just don't use お父さん.  You risk being seen as impudent.

For his daughter, you can use 令嬢（れいじょう）if you want to.


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## nhk9

Just make sure you are not seen as cheeky.  Have some sincerity when asking for his girl.  Ask directly and politely.  Don't leave things to chance or the unsaid.

A deep bow with a dogeza should work.


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## Aoyama

> It feels a bit strange calling my girlfriend's father 武井さん


right. I was not thinking about family name but about first name.
That may also sound a wee bit strange (or unusual, by Japanese standards) BUT you would be allowed this "unusualness". A bit like with the Americans "call me Joe" ...
My point here is that you are _not required_ to behave like a Japanese. You may speak Japanese well, know the _mores_ etc, but you are not Japanese.
Don't overdo it.


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