# strangers in your house



## Joca

I have a 23-year-old stepdaughter. She doesn't live with us (her mother, siblings and me) any more, but she often comes to see us. Many times she brings along friends of her, both males and females, and now and then they will stay for the night. This is rather annoying for me and her mother, because in the first place our house is often in real disorder (because of the kids) and it is hard to put it back in order at short notice. Secondly, I don't feel quite well with strangers in our house. I usually enjoy meeting other people for the first time outside the house, in the office, in parties, etc, but I usually don't like to meet someone for the first time in our own house. We feel tempted to say "no" to her (please don't bring strangers any more), but then again we feel we might be behaving like silly, old-fashioned parents. Do you experience these same feelings? Is there anyone in your household who brings strangers to the house and breaks the routine? How do you cope with this situation? How easy is it for you to admit people you don't know into your house?


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## Kajjo

My personal strategy: Strangers _never _stay overnight. Strangers are usually only welcome after invitation. Friends do not bring anyone along who is not explictly invited. I think it is unacceptable to have strangers in a family home.

Kajjo


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## Whodunit

What is a stranger for you?

When I read the thread title, I thought of strangers being foreigners from other countries, but I assume you mean people you don't know in general. I feel quite uncomfortable when strangers are in my nearest vicinity, not only in my house. Sitting next to someone you don't know at a party, in the disco, or on some family celebration, I feel embarrassed to look at him/her or ask him/her if he/she could give me this or that.

If I invited the stranger myself, I feel even more uncomfortable towards my parents, because I always think they consider me too cosmopolitan for our quiet charming village. I usually like to meet a stranger [not to me, but to my family] (no matter if it's a girl or boy/woman or man) where no one else I know is.

I hope I answered your question and not another one you didn't even asked.


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## alexacohen

Hello:
I used not to mind. Till my cousin Sylvia asked me if I would mind her staying with me for a couple of weeks. She arrived home with a total stranger, I don't remember his name, but as they asked me to sleep together I thought he was her boyfriend, so I accepted. I thought she could have advised me beforehand, but I let it pass. When they where to leave, I asked Sylvia where they were planning to go. Sylvia said she was returning home, and she had no idea where XXX was going. I was surprised. I said "You mean you don't know where your boyfriend is going?"
"Oh no", she said, "He's not my boyfriend. I met him in the plane, he was the passenger seated next to me. He is worth a f***, isn't he?"
From that day on, NO STRANGERS IN MY HOME.
Alexa


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## Etcetera

Last summer, I went with a friend to a bus trip to Yaroslavl - we estimated that we'd be back in time for me to get home (in Moscow region) on public transport. But we spend in Yaroslavl much more time than we expected, so we arrived to Moscow pretty late in the evening. My friend was going to spend the night at her friend's and offered me to come with her. I felt really uncomfortable about it, because I didn't know this friend and wasn't sure she'd be pleased with my coming to her place. But everything was fine. Under some circumstances, we can let strangers (our friends' friends) stay at our houses, and there's nothing that special about it. 
But I would be really angry if someone I invited came with a complete stranger to me and offered no explanations.


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## Chaska Ñawi

We have many complete strangers pass through our home, although many are no longer strangers when they leave.  Some are on youth exchanges, some are travelling Quakers, some are impoverished bands on the road, some are friends of friends who need a place to stay.  Sometimes they are expected, and sometimes they just arrive with a family member.

If they accept us as we are (untidy and haphazard), we are happy to have them.  Many have since become very good friends.

Usually we let the other members of the family know beforehand, but every now and then we have a completely unexpected guest.


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## maxiogee

We have hosted almost total strangers in our home. One was an e-friend of mine from the other end of the earth.
We all adjust to the stranger and learn lots. It's great. Roll on more of them.


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## lizzeymac

I know this sounds unkind & I apologize sincerely, AlexaCohen, but I think your story says more about your cousin than the "stranger" that she brought into your home.  She was, at the very least, behaving unwisely.

Joca - I think your stepdaughter is taking advantage of your good nature & I find it hard to believe she is not aware of it.  She is a grown woman, she does not live in your home & contribute her efforts to the home - does she do the dishes after you feed her friends?  Do these guests make up the beds you have provided?  She is treating your home like a hotel.  "Your" hospitality is not "hers" to offer without asking you, no matter how much you care for her or how much she cares for you. I was raised in a liberal & non-traditional house but being considerate & respectful is not "silly" or "old-fashioned." 

Some of my friends are comfortable with people staying overnight & some would never be comfortable with overnight guests - I think it comes from your family culture.  I grew up in a house where it was OK to have sleep-overs.

I don't have children so I don't have the added responsibility & safety concerns that some of the other Forer@s do.  
I haven't had any "strangers" stay in my house but I think I have a different definition of a "stranger" - a stranger is someone I have absolutely no connection with.  
I have had friends ask if they could use my spare bedroom for a wedding guest who couldn't afford hotel rates in NYC - I had never met the guest but a friend of my friend was welcome to stay - it was fine, they made breakfast as a thank you gift.  My young cousin asked if his college roommate could stay with me while he was in NY interviewing for a job.  I expected it to be irritating & noisy & messy - it was a little noisy.  I posted the "House Rules" in the guest room - the  kid actually read & followed them all.
I live in Manhattan & if I go out with work friends or mere acquaintances & the weather turns bad or the trains are not running I would rather offer them a place to sleep than to worry about them getting home safely to another borough or New Jersey.
-


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## sarcie

When I lived at home with my parents, there was more or less an "open door" policy - my parents were happy to let anyone that I considered a friend stay in our spare room. I find this attitude very open and inviting and never hesitated to offer a friend or acquaintance a place to stay for the night. I have carried this over to my own place, now that I have moved out. Many of my friends live outside the city here and if they don't want the hassle and expense of getting a taxi far outside the city, they are always welcome to stay on my sofa. 
In my experience, the Irish culture lends itself well to unexpected guests - my parents' house may as well have a revolving door, there is always so many people coming and going. 
However, if you are not comfortable with a person, I can understand that it may not be pleasant to think of them in your house while you and your family are sleeping. Sometimes human instinct is very astute. I think the most important thing is to feel safe in your own home - that is why I never brought people to my house that I knew my parents would not feel secure and comfortable around. It's disrespectful and irresponsible.


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## Pirlo

Kajjo said:


> My personal strategy: Strangers _never _stay overnight. Strangers are usually only welcome after invitation. Friends do not bring anyone along who is not explictly invited. I think it is unacceptable to have strangers in a family home.



I totally agree with this. Especially if it involved a child and people of their opposite sex.


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## Alxmrphi

I've stayed as a stranger on an exchange program in France, twice, does that count? am I a stranger to them, even though it's through a school program they signed up for? 

It does mean they were expecting to house me, but didn't have a clue about me.

Personally, some of the people here seem to be a bit over-cautious, which I think people have to be in today's world, but I don't like that, I agree 100% with maxiogee, it's too great of benefit if the person is sincere and 100% honest, to chat and learn and have "random fun" experiences.

When I was travelling around Europe, we got lost and it was late and we couldn't afford a taxi, and we met this American family, a mum and daughter and they picked us up and tried to drive us to our campsite and nearly gave up and offered for us to stay in her house for the night, 3 total strangers, it was an incredibly nice gesture, but we did insist to get a taxi when we knew we were a lot closer, but the offer was still there.

Being generous to strangers can have good rewards when you show trust and kindness to someone, maybe even start a friendship for life.


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## .   1

sarcie said:


> When I lived at home with my parents, there was more or less an "open door" policy - my parents were happy to let anyone that I considered a friend stay in our spare room.


I was hoping that someone else would spot this.
What is the definition of a stranger?
I take it to be a person not known by someone in the family.
This does not apply in this case.
I am totally willing to trust my daughter's judgement in relation to such matters.
All of her friends are of a completely different generation to me and I have little concept of social norms and mores for the current generation but my daughter is on the sharpest part of the thinnest edge of the zietgeist.

I am willing to accept the company of her friends and afford her the safety and pleasure of being at home sharing my company rather than to force her totally out of my life because one or two of her friends don't agree with me.
I value my daughter far too much for that.

.,,


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## liulia

sarcie said:


> In my experience, the Irish culture lends itself well to unexpected guests - .



Oh yes! Which is why I immediately felt comfortable when I came to live in Ireland! 
My children always brought their friends to our house, and sometimes i would come downstairs in the morning to find a whole bunch of them asleep on the floor. Some I'd met before, some were new acquisitions. 
I liked having them there and I loved the open house policy that everyone took for granted! But above all, this meant I got to know my children's friends, and they all spent a great deal of time at our house, where I could keep a vague eye on them without seeming to.


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## .   1

liulia said:


> But above all, this meant I got to know my children's friends, and they all spent a great deal of time at our house, where I could keep a vague eye on them without seeming to.


There is some method in our madness. 

.,,


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## liulia

Indeed. 

I have no regrets. They've all grown up into lovely, generous people, and those lazy/crazy weekends at my house helped to create enduring bonds among them all.  

Also, I would like to think that my attitudes had something to do with developing a real gift for hospitality in my children.

Anyway, on fait ce qu'on peut avec ce qu'on a... 

And it's late and I'm not making much sense...  but I know what I mean!


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## alexacohen

lizzeymac said:


> I know this sounds unkind & I apologize sincerely, AlexaCohen, but I think your story says more about your cousin than the "stranger" that she brought into your home. She was, at the very least, behaving unwisely.


Yes, she was. And the story says many things about them both. I've had many people staying at home, friends of friends, friends of sisters, friends of daughters. They are not strangers, they are known to people I love. It's not the same thing!
Alexa


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## jlc246

liulia said:


> But above all, this meant I got to know my children's friends, and they all spent a great deal of time at our house, where I could keep a vague eye on them without seeming to.


 
As the mom of a 13 year old, I wholeheartedly agree! I like to have my son's friends at our house, where I know what they are up to, and I like getting to know them. 

However, they don't stay the night without asking me if it's ok. Because they are still young, they also have to ask their parents if it's ok.

I think it will be different when he is 23, but I don't know how different.



			
				lizzeymac said:
			
		

> "Your" hospitality is not "hers" to offer without asking you, no matter how much you care for her or how much she cares for you. I was raised in a liberal & non-traditional house but being considerate & respectful is not "silly" or "old-fashioned."


 
I agree completely.


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## Calamitintin

I don't have a mother's point of view but a (grand-)daughter's one: I often invite friends (including foreigners from time to time). I was never told no, but if they stay the night, my parents/gd-parents know about the friend, who he/she is for me and so on. Sometimes I invited unknown (to my family) friends, but just for the afternoon, or for dinner if they live far. I always ask, and I know I will never be answered no. I don't think it's a problem for them, even if there are language difficulties (I invited a German friend, but I'm the only one who speaks German at home, and he could hardly speak French)! I'm happy to be so free 
++
Cal


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## tvdxer

Joca said:


> I have a 23-year-old stepdaughter. She doesn't live with us (her mother, siblings and me) any more, but she often comes to see us. Many times she brings along friends of her, both males and females, and now and then they will stay for the night. This is rather annoying for me and her mother, because in the first place our house is often in real disorder (because of the kids) and it is hard to put it back in order at short notice. Secondly, I don't feel quite well with strangers in our house. I usually enjoy meeting other people for the first time outside the house, in the office, in parties, etc, but I usually don't like to meet someone for the first time in our own house. We feel tempted to say "no" to her (please don't bring strangers any more), but then again we feel we might be behaving like silly, old-fashioned parents. Do you experience these same feelings? Is there anyone in your household who brings strangers to the house and breaks the routine? How do you cope with this situation? How easy is it for you to admit people you don't know into your house?



Ha!

I know exactly how you feel.

My rather unstable brother has had his two of his friends, occasionally more, including potty-mouthed girls, sleeping or coming over almost every night.

We do not live in a large house.  When you go down the stairs, there they are, sleeping on our couches.  Until we told them to quit smoking inside, three or four of them would light up at once in our living room, stinking the house up.  We have had a hard time kicking them out, as they are doing work on our house.  Often these kids come over after my mother goes to bed, and I don't really have any control over them.


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## emma42

Dear Joca.  I do not think you are behaving like "silly old-fashioned parents".  You like your privacy and feel invaded when your step-daughter brings people you do not know to your home, with no prior request or even warning.  You have every right to say "No".  Even if I thought you were being unreasonable (which I certainly do not), it is your home and you should be able to say who comes into it.  Your stepdaughter must, surely, be aware of the annoyance she causes.  How utterly selfish and inconsiderate.


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## la reine victoria

When my younger son was 19, his brother being away at university in Sheffield, it was "open house" chez nous.  We trusted our son's judgment and were never let down.  He used to bring lots of friends home on a Saturday evening.  They were quite happy to sleep on the floor.  I provided pillows, cushions and blankets.

On Sunday mornings I would wake them all up to the smell of grilled bacon, fried eggs, sausages, hot croissants and percolated coffee.

After feeding their faces they all thanked me for having them.  I said, "You are welcome any time."

Later, my son told me that his friends envied him for having a mother like me. 

These "strangers" became my friends and they have all remained staunch friends of my son.

I love the company of young people, even though I am now a bus-pass holder.

LRV


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## liulia

Dear Reine Victoria,

I have had much the same experience, and I remember those Sunday mornings with nostalgia! 

As in your case, the friendships that were forged in those years have endured through the years. This is particularly lovely for my children, since they have no relatives in Ireland. We built an extended family as a result of having an open house.

These days, whenever I meet my son's friends, they thank me for providing a very special "home away from home" all through their high school and university years.


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## SaritaSarang

Kajjo said:


> My personal strategy: Strangers _never _stay overnight. Strangers are usually only welcome after invitation. Friends do not bring anyone along who is not explictly invited. I think it is unacceptable to have strangers in a family home.
> 
> Kajjo



I agree. Only after invitation.  its completely rude to just bring some friends over at the last minute that your family doesn't know, so maybe if it was planned in advanced, (how long they will stay, what the rules are that they are expected to follow, are they going to be expected to buy their own food, do their own laundry, etc...)  then it would be okay. But I guess it really all depends on how the people living in your house feel about it.  In my house it would probably be okay, but only if discussed some in advanced.


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## birus

> This is rather annoying for me and her mother, because in the first place our house is often in real disorder (because of the kids) and it is hard to put it back in order at short notice.


As for this aspect, even if I'm no longer 23 (but I have been, not so long ago), I can assure you that at least 99% of your stepdaughter's friends will hardly notice the "real disorder" that seems to worry you so much. And anyway, if asked, they would surely prefer to have you allow them in a disordered house, rather than not having them invited at all.
So I suggest to ask yourself, is that the main reason why I'm not happy with the situation, or not?


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## Poetic Device

I don't mind strangers coming into my home as long as i know about it ahead of time.  I feel a little embarassed when someone comes unannounced ("I was in the neighbourhood and was wondering if you still lived here.") and I abhore it when people invite themselves over.  That I think is the most rude of them all.  What really pushes my buttons is when they not only invite themselves over and in but when they help themselves it everything, i.e. your fridge.


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