# Sambahin ako ang iyong mga mata



## dt1510

I attempted to create another poem in Tagalog:

Sambahin ako ang iyong mga mata,
- Ito ay ang kanilang mga pangarap
na gumawa ng mga ito nang magningning
tulad ng mga bituin sa langit
sa masugid apoy
na ay nangangahulugan ang sansinukob sa akin.

The original English version:
I adore your eyes,
- it is their dream
that makes them gleam
like stars in the heavens
with the zealous fire
that means the universe to me.

I would appreciate if somebody told me:
1. What the grammatical mistakes are and how it should be corrected,
2. Does the stanza convey the meaning similar to the original English stanza?
3. How it sounds impressionwise after the correction. Does it sound like written by an average (or better) native/fluent speaker?

There are also some minor questions I have.
4. How does "ang iyong maga mata" sound impressionwise as opposed to "ang maga mata mo"?
5. Would it sound better if "masugid" was replaced by "masigasig"?


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## DotterKat

dt1510 said:


> I attempted to create another poem in Tagalog:
> 
> Sambahin ako ang iyong mga mata,
> - Ito ay ang kanilang mga pangarap
> na gumawa ng mga ito nang magningning
> tulad ng mga bituin sa langit
> sa masugid apoy
> na ay nangangahulugan ang sansinukob sa akin.
> 
> The original English version:
> I adore your eyes,
> - it is their dream
> that makes them gleam
> like stars in the heavens
> with the zealous fire
> that means the universe to me.





dt1510 said:


> I would appreciate if somebody told me:
> 1. What the grammatical mistakes are and how it should be corrected,


Verbal focus is very important in Tagalog grammar and needs to be reviewed.

For example, the first line of your stanza _I adore your eyes_ (Subject - Verb - [possessive adjective] -  Direct Object) has been translated as _Sambahin ako ang iyong mga mata _(Object focus verb in the imperative mood - ang pronoun _ako_ - direct object).  This is an erroneous translation as the original line is in the present tense and the Tagalog equivalent should be in the object-focus, uncompleted aspect of your chosen verb _samba _(it should be _sinasamba_, paired with the ng pronoun _ko_).



dt1510 said:


> 2. Does the stanza convey the meaning similar to the original English stanza?


Translating prose is never a  straightforward process and is even less so for poetry.  Your lyric poem in English could be considered an _irregular ode_.  It relies heavily on simile and metaphor to convey  what I understand to be a quasi-metaphysical connotative meaning.  Some of that imagery is lost in translation, mainly because of word choices that point more towards denotative rather than the intended connotative meanings.

Having said all that, both the original and translated versions are commendable efforts.


dt1510 said:


> 3. How it sounds impressionwise after the correction. Does it sound like written by an average (or better) native/fluent speaker?


It is difficult to judge language proficiency based on one piece of work, especially one that is so stylized and personal.  Even so, the nature of both versions of this irregular ode would point towards an intermediate student.



dt1510 said:


> 4. How does "ang iyong maga mata" sound impressionwise as opposed to "ang maga mata mo"?


_Ang iyong mga mata_ harmonizes more with the lyrical nature of this poem than the alternative_ ang mga mata mo_.



dt1510 said:


> 5. Would it sound better if "masugid" was replaced by "masigasig"?


Again, this poem is very personal and you have chosen words that uniquely express your feelings.  Neither masugid nor masigasig would be my first choice to characterize apoy which you are using as a metaphor for _her dreams or ambitions that light up the fire in her eyes_ (if I understood you correctly).

Below is a modified version wherein I try to maintain your word choices and the nature of this irregular ode, to the extent that it is grammatically possible.

Sinasamba ko ang iyong mga mata
Na tila’y mga bituing kumikislap
Sa kadiliman ng alapaap

Mga pangarap mo’y sa kanila’y
Nag-bibigay buhay

Ang masugid na apoy!
Sa kailaliman ng iyong kaluluwa
Ang masugid na apoy!
Sa kalawakan ng sanglinikha

Liyab ng iyong mga mata
Mula sa ningas ng iyong kaluluwa
Iyon, at ikaw ang aking kalahatan
Iyon, at ikaw ang aking sangkalawakan


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## dt1510

DotterKat said:


> It is difficult to judge language proficiency based on one piece of work, especially one that is so stylized and personal.  Even so, the nature of both versions of this irregular ode would point towards an intermediate student.



Thank you very much for your detailed and constructive comments. I understand that if the poem has grammatical mistakes, it cannot sound like produced by a native speaker. But what about the version with your corrections, does that still sound like produced by an intermediate student of Tagalog or rather like an intermediate (meaning average in his merit) student who is a native speaker of Tagalog? I understand that even with the grammatical corrections, the stylistic structure and the word choice (I opted for) may indicate that the poem still likely is not produced by a native speaker.


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## DotterKat

For this discussion, let us assume that my corrected version is now your working version.
The corrected version is grammatically correct and has improved meter and rhyme.  For these reasons, it can pass as the work of a native speaker working on an intermediate level of creative writing.
The structure (irregular ode) and choice of figurative language do not resonate as a contemporary work, which would tend more towards free verse and current locution. However, this is poetry and it should reflect your style.  As with all forms of art, poetry reveals something of its creator.  You are not offering technical specifications but rather a piece of you, a glimpse of your soul.


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## mataripis

I cannot understand the use of sambahin. That word means worship. This is  my attempt to interprete using different words. 
Hangad mo ay masilayan ako,siyang pangarap mong nagniningning,tila mga bituin sa langit, may  masidhing alab na ang kahuluga'y sansinukob ay sumasaatin!


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## dt1510

mataripis said:


> I cannot understand the use of sambahin. That word means worship. This is  my attempt to interprete using different words.
> Hangad mo ay masilayan ako,siyang pangarap mong nagniningning,tila mga bituin sa langit, may  masidhing alab na ang kahuluga'y sansinukob ay sumasaatin!


As you can see the word "adore" in English for the word "sambanin", so the word "worship" would be an appropriate replacement subject to the artistic interpretation. Thank you for your alternative suggestion.


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## mataripis

Yes I agree. But using samba him sounds over acting. It is unnatural in present era to use that word. Hangad means interest or pleasure to see.


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## DotterKat

The work has to be read and judged for what it is, a lyrical ode. It is a piece of creative writing for which poetic licence allows the writer much latitude for dispensing with conventional rules of grammar and even standard language. That the writer employed hyperbole by using _samba_ in reference to a mere mortal is exactly the point. Since ancient times, the besotted have glorified love and deified the beloved with poems, songs, sonnets and odes in exaggerated, even melodramatic terms. That is the whole point of it.


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