# (play) pocket billiards



## ewie

First of all, apologies for lowering the tone again.

*play pocket billiards/pinball, to*_ phr. _[1940s+] *1* to play with one's genitals through a trouser pocket
(~_The Cassell Dictionary of Slang_, 1998, p.928)

A few questions.
(1) Are you familiar with this slang term _pocket billiards_?
(2) Has anyone else heard of the _pocket pinball _alternative? ~ I haven't.
(3) [The tricky one] Now just _imagine_ that a friend of mine was writing, say, a humorous story, about a chap who repeatedly indulged in this (un)gentlemanly behaviour, and said friend didn't want to have to keep *repeating *_He stood there playing pocket billiards for a minute or two _...
Do you know of any existing alternatives to this expression?
Can you provide any made-up alternatives? ~ they need to be (1) clean, (2) euphemistic (but not as euphemistic as _jangle one's loose change_, e.g.), and, if possible (3) funny.
The best we've come up with so far is the rather cumbersome and not-particularly-funny: _He stood there inventorizing his trouser assets._

My friend thanks you in advance


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## se16teddy

(1) Yes, _playing pocket billiards_ was in popular use when I was at school in Bradford. 
(2) No
(3) Reconfiguring his family jewels?


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## panjandrum

(1) Yes.
(2) No.
(3) ... checking his wedding tackle ... ... searching for inspiration deep in his trouser pocket ... ... rearranging the family jewels ...


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## ewie

Thanks, chaps.  I've never been mad keen on _wedding tackle_ ~ it always sounds a bit (erm) rugby-club to me.  (Oops, sorry Teddy).  I like the 'inspiration' one though, Panjo.
Inspiration is precisely what I seem to be lacking over this ...


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## cuchuflete

1— Yes.
2– No.
3- Charming the trouser snake; Playing surreptitious handball?


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## ewie

Thanks for turning your great mind to my friend's problem, Cucho ... but (3a) ~ a bit _coarse_, (3b) ~ not quite euphemistic enough.


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## out2lnch

I've never hear billiards used in the expression, I've only ever heard it as pocket pool. As an alternative I've heard _rearranging the furniture_.


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## ewie

out2lnch said:


> _rearranging the furniture_.


Brilliant, Out2 ~ I love it


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## panjandrum

Oh, yes, thanks Out2. That expression was flirting with the edges of my conscious mind earlier but I kept thinking about deckchairs and White Star liners so I knew I was barking up the wrong metaphor. I heard this as "rearranging the furniture in the basement".
... adjusting his undercarriage?


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## Thomas Tompion

1. Yes.
2. No.
3. _Rearranging_ _the furniture_ sounds like a once-and-for-all activity - I'd take it to mean adjusting intimate nether garments which have become in some way uncomfortable. _Playing pocket billiards_ has more the ring of a leisure pastime.

This all reminds me terribly of the story of the small boy, the bishop, and the loaf of bread.


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## ewie

I take your point (pardon the expression) about _rearranging the furniture_, Mr.T.  I suppose it depends on whether you're used to folk who rearrange the furniture (literally) once every solar eclipse or ... whenever there's an _*r*_ in the month.

Is the story relevant to the subject?  Might it provide some insight into the curious scarcity of terminology for this most popular of gentlemanly leisure pastimes? or at least give us a good _larf_?


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## Basil Ganglia

3. Option for #3: checking the roll of quarters in his pocket.  (I believe this phrase originates from a quip by Mae West in one of her movies; _"Are you happy to see me or is that just a roll of quarters in your pocket?"_)


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## ewie

I _like_ it, Steve ~ but am afraid it might fall a bit flat with a British audience

_But_, your mentioning that Mae-West-ism has sparked my brain to something like _reloading his gun_ or ... erm ... _something__ his pistol_ ~ I'm not well-up on gun terminology.  Helping hand, anyone?


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## Basil Ganglia

ewie said:


> I _like_ it, Steve ~ but am afraid it might fall a bit flat with a British audience
> 
> _But_, your mentioning that Mae-West-ism has sparked my brain to something like _reloading his gun_ or ... erm ... _something__ his pistol_ ~ I'm not well-up on gun terminology.  Helping hand, anyone?


_"checking his derringer"_, perhaps.


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## ewie

Basil Ganglia said:


> _derringer_


Oh dear, I'll have to look that one up ~ I've never _heard_ of it

EDIT, after a visit to my local encyclopedia: Oh right.


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## Kevin Beach

Balancing the cash


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## Cagey

ewie said:


> [....]
> _But_, your mentioning that Mae-West-ism has sparked my brain to something like _reloading his gun_ or ... erm ... _something__ his pistol_ ~ I'm not well-up on gun terminology.  Helping hand, anyone?


Wiki's article on Mae West agrees that it was a _pistol_, which might be more easily understood by a British audience.


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## cuchuflete

ewie said:


> I _like_ it, Steve ~ but am afraid it might fall a bit flat with a British audience
> 
> _But_, your mentioning that Mae-West-ism has sparked my brain to something like _reloading his gun_ or ... erm ... _something__ his pistol_ ~ I'm not well-up on gun terminology.  *Helping hand, anyone?*


 Well, now that you've put your finger on it, so to speak...

_Lending a helping hand to the needy.  
_


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## ewie

Okay here's what we've got so far ~ it's all a bit fragmentary for the moment.  Are you sitting comfortably? ~ then I'll begin:

_Like all young men of his station (Mark was a 'Chav', with all that that implies), he was a devotee of the sport of 'pocket billiards' ..._
_... throughout my interview with him, his hands never left the front parlour of his viscose 'leisure pants', wherein they rearranged the furniture at a suitably leisurely pace ...
... as a sign of his discomfiture he gave a particularly vigorous rub to his pant-pistol with the same near-nailless fingers he'd so recently used to shake my hand and which, I feared, I would be obliged to touch again at the interview's close ...

_Erm, that's it so far.


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## Thomas Tompion

That double _-ly -ly_ in _suitably leisurely pace_ is a bit risqué, Ewie.  You have to choose your readership with care before including that sort of thing.


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## Packard

Basil Ganglia said:


> 3. Option for #3: checking the roll of quarters in his pocket. (I believe this phrase originates from a quip by Mae West in one of her movies; _"Are you happy to see me or is that just a roll of quarters in your pocket?"_)


 
Pocket pickle positioning...

I believe the quotation was:  *Is that a pickle in your pocket or are you happy to see me.*

(Mae was a pretty funny/raunchy gal.)


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## brian

ewie said:


> _... as a sign of his discomfiture he gave a particularly vigorous rub to his pant-pistol with the same near-nailless fingers he'd so recently used to shake my hand and which, I feared, I would be obliged to touch again at the interview's close ..._



Ehm... doesn't this violate rule 3b (or 3.2 technically)? It's about as euphemistic as _he slipped his hand in his pocket and *cocked his head* at me._


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## out2lnch

brian8733 said:


> _he slipped his hand in his pocket and *cocked his head* at me._


 
I love the potential double meaning this allows. Talking to a guy with his hand in his pocket that insists on cocking his head at you. Funny and, depending on how it is played, may not get immediately caught by less gutter-minded individuals.

Another euphamism could be: _he gave the plumbing a once-over _[to check for leaks, etc. or on its own].

I also like the alliteration of play pocket pool. With that in mind, _rattling the radishes_ doesn't make a great deal of sense, but seemed funny anyway.


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## Basil Ganglia

Packard said:


> Pocket pickle positioning...
> 
> I believe the quotation was:  *Is that a pickle in your pocket or are you happy to see me.*
> 
> (Mae was a pretty funny/raunchy gal.)


I believe you're correct.  I was going from memory.  The "roll of quarters" euphemism must have other origins, then.


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## Packard

Basil Ganglia said:


> I believe you're correct. I was going from memory. The "roll of quarters" euphemism must have other origins, then.


 
Sometimes a roll of quarters is just a roll of quarters...


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## espider

As he's a chav, maybe something along the lines of "straightening out the Burr-berries"? Not sure about the furniture reference and the roll of quarters reference does not square with the essentially and most unfortunately Britishness of the chav "culture", but a near-equivalent might be something like "sorting the loose change in his pockets", indulging in a bit of helmet-polishing (too coarse).etc. Roger's Profanisaurus may well have some euphemism.


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## Kevin Beach

If he's a chav, then maybe "polishing his bling, innit?" would work.


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## out2lnch

I actually had to go and look up 'chav' and see the sort we are talking about. Another euphamism I thought of is, if he is the sort that talks tough while his hands are so engaged, then maybe he could be described as _rattling his sabre_. Or, you could say he's _flipping the bird at you_. I happen to be a fan of the double entendre...


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## Loob

I have seen, in a football-manager context, "he gave a tweak to his forward combinations".

Given Brian's concerns (post 22), might this provide a suitable alternative to "he gave a rub to his pant-pistol"?


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## ewie

I agree that _pant-pistol_ is hardly euphemistic at all ~ I laboured for a while over that one, the problem being that I didn't want the reader to think he was fumbling with a _real_ gun.  I may have to discard the gun thing altogether ...



Packard said:


> Pocket pickle positioning...


Needs some work, Mr.P, but I like the direction you're pointing in.


brian8733 said:


> _he slipped his hand in his pocket and *cocked his head* at me._


Definitely a bit too (erm) _directional_, Brian.  We mustn't lose sight of the fact that playing pocket billiards is generally an aimless ~ even _unconscious _~ pursuit.


out2lnch said:


> _he gave the plumbing a once-over_


I like it, Out2.  (You're rather good at this, aren't you?)


espider said:


> "straightening out the Burr-berries"


Erm?  I presume Burberry is (erm) something associated with chavs, Espider ...  Sorry, I'm not really all that clued up on chavs.


Kevin Beach said:


> "polishing his bling, innit?"


Same problem as with the gun, KB ~ how to make it clear that this is a euphemism for playing pocket billiards rather than just _literally_ polishing his bling.


out2lnch said:


> _rattling his sabre_ _[...]_ _flipping the bird at you_


This is again slightly problematic, Out2, in that chavs are renowned for carrying knives.  A sabre is also rather a _sharp_ thing.
Doesn't _flipping the bird_ mean something entirely different? ~ sticking one finger up at someone?  I don't really follow you there, I'm afraid.


Loob said:


> "he gave a tweak to his forward combinations"


At last, a suggestion from a _lady_-person.  (Well, from Mrs.Loob, anyway)  Not sure about this one ~ sounds a bit like he's readjusting his winter underwear


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## johndot

ewie said:


> Definitely a bit too (erm) _directional_, Brian.  We mustn't lose sight of the fact *that playing pocket billiards is generally an aimless ~ even unconscious ~ *pursuit.



Does this mean that there’s no punchline? No climax to the story? No come-uppance?


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## Grop

Hi ewie, a friend of mine (as you may imagine) suggested _playing gameboy_, but you can't use it for the sake of avoiding the repetition of _playing pocket billiard_.

(Regarding _his sabre_, I don't think it is very euphemistic, but we French speakers may have weird ideas on what is euphemistic).


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## Packard

I suppose that "dick diddling" is not euphemistic enough?


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## out2lnch

ewie said:


> I
> Doesn't _flipping the bird_ mean something entirely different? ~ sticking one finger up at someone? I don't really follow you there, I'm afraid.


 
Perhaps a bit too vague on my part and not allowing for different language considerations. Flipping the bird is indeed sticking up the middle finger to mean F#$% you, so I was thinking more of a metaphorical bird-flipping, and I grew up hearing 'bird' as a euphamism for a penis, so . . . that was my line of thought on that one.


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## ewie

Grop said:


> Hi ewie, a friend of mine (as you may imagine) suggested _playing gameboy_, but you can't use it for the sake of avoiding the repetition of _playing pocket billiard_.


Au contraire, Mr.Grop ~ I rather like it.  Do those 'gameboy' things have _joysticks_?  That would open up a whole new avenue of whatsits.


Packard said:


> I suppose that "dick diddling" is not euphemistic enough?


_Diddling_ is good; _dick_ not so.



out2lnch said:


> I grew up hearing 'bird' as a euphamism for a penis


Ah right, I'd not heard that one.  (Though _pecker_ is more or less the same thing.)


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## johndot

ewie said:


> Au contraire, Mr.Grop ~ I rather like it.  Do those 'gameboy' things have _joysticks_?  That would open up a whole new avenue of whatsits.



... you mean “open up a whole new can of, er... worms? (Back to the wedding [fishing?] tackle {post #3}).


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## xqby

1. No
2. No
I remember a scene in Chuck Palahuiniwhatsit's _Choke_ where the main character had a hole in his pants, but he had a rather... more climactic aim in mind. I can't recall what he called the process though.
3. Squirreling away his nuts? Polishing his popgun? Dangling (or possibly jingling) his dong?


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## Loob

ewie said:


> _he gave a particularly vigorous rub to his pant-pistol ._


He performed a particularly vigorous groin-google?

You've got to admit I'm trying, wiño, I'm really trying...


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## xqby

Ooh, how about a vigorous prod to his pants-python. That might give the hapless lad a bit too much credit...


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## cuchuflete

So there he sat, most chavvily, juggling the fate of his future wards of the state...


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## johndot

Any minute now a mod’s going to come along and wag his... finger at us.
 
(What did you _think_ I was going to say?)


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## Packard

I'd say that consonence would be required for any respectable euphamism in this regard.  Hence my "dick diddling" and "pocket pickle positioning" offerings.  (Also consider, "obelisk orienteering").


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## lilandonaki

_practice playing a tune on the ol' pork flute_


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## ewie

lilandonaki said:


> _practice playing a tune on the ol' pork flute_


Wow! _pork flute_ ~ a weird combination of 'lyrical' and 'disgusting'


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