# Speaking with strangers about personal lives, is it shallow?



## tvdxer

I was at Barnes and Noble yesterday or the day before, reading a book on French culture written for those who plan on living as an expatriate in France.  I don't, but I found it quite interesting, and spent a fair amount of time with it.

The author pointed out an example of a situation he said was unlikely to happen in France - some passengers on a bus going from one city to another (in the United States), who do not know each other in any way, begin talking about their personal lives, what they did / are doing, etc.  If I remember correctly, some French transplanted into the U.S. as part of a corporate project were on that bus, and saw it as weird, and the author continued saying they saw such friendliness as "shallow".  I know there are French people on this forum.  Is this true?   Perhaps it applies primarily to Parisians, or inhabitants of other large cities?

It seems odd to me that one would think such a thing of another culture.  Strangers conversing with another, to me, has always been a sign of friendliness and togetherness among a society, of goodwill towards one another.  There are situations in which it may be taken too far or done in a corny way (such as some restaurants), but for the most part it is completely harmless, reinforces good relationships between strangers, makes one happy, and allows for learning of other routines.  Does every hint of friendliness or kind civility have to have the profundity of an established relationship?

Also: In your country, do strangers talk to eachother about their personal (NOT private) lives?  For example, when spending large amounts of time in an enclosed environment, like on a bus or in a minibus?  Do taxi drivers talk with their passengers?


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## belén

I can only answer to the second part of your thread.

Yes, I've had countless wonderful conversations with taxi drivers. I would actually like to write a book about them because some of them have been incredible.

I've also talked to people when I have had to wait on a big queue or travelled long distances, in coaches or planes. Even people who has later become good friends.

This has happened to me both in Spain and abroad. I travelled from Berlin to Copenhaguen by bus and a young German student was sitting by my side and we spent a good part of the trip talking.

Just for the record, please don't think I am one of those people who talks and talks and never  shuts up...   I haven't necessarily started the conversation, it has just happened naturally...


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## Becky85

In England, a lot of comedians use the scenario of a passenger sitting in the back of a taxi trying to make polite conversation with the taxi driver. Two of the most common questions that are generally recognised as being asked by passengers are 'Have you been busy?' and 'What time are you on 'til?'. It isn't just an exaggerated skit though, my dad does this every time he gets into a taxi! 

I think that sometimes it's perhaps not necessarily a cultural thing, it's an individual thing - you choose whether or not to talk to a stranger.

The suggestion that to talk to strangers in this manner is shallow...well, that completely baffles me! I would have thought it would be seen as the complete opposite! I find that in situations where you have a common link with a stranger, for example if you're both in a lift, or you're sitting next to each other on a train, or you're all waiting for something in the same room, it's only natural to exchange pleasantries!

And in the situation described above, where you got talking to a German student, such conversations can prove very interesting and informative, and they certainly break up the journey!

I would suggest that the word 'shallow' would be far better suited to describe those who think it beneath them to chat to strangers. As you say, we are all part of a much wider society and this harmless act is a reminder that all different types of people can co-exist provided they have a bit of open-mindedness and common courtesy!

Becky.


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## maxiogee

tvdxer said:
			
		

> some passengers on a bus going from one city to another (in the United States), who do not know each other in any way, begin talking about their personal lives, what they did / are doing, etc.  If I remember correctly, some French transplanted into the U.S. as part of a corporate project were on that bus, and saw it as weird, and the author continued saying they saw such friendliness as "shallow".



I'm not sure I grasp the author's understanding of the word "shallow" here.
Was he saying that the people could share deeply about personal stuff with strangers and then, upon leaving the bus, never have any contact with those people again? That might be 'shallow'.
But, if that is what he was saying, does he mean that the French would only share deeply with people they would have an on-going relationship with?
That, to me, is aloofness.
I'd go the American way - but would call myself "open".


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## tvdxer

maxiogee said:
			
		

> I'm not sure I grasp the author's understanding of the word "shallow" here.
> Was he saying that the people could share deeply about personal stuff with strangers and then, upon leaving the bus, never have any contact with those people again? That might be 'shallow'.
> But, if that is what he was saying, does he mean that the French would only share deeply with people they would have an on-going relationship with?
> That, to me, is aloofness.
> I'd go the American way - but would call myself "open".



The word the book I was reading used is "shallow".

However, I think "aloof" also works well.  Yet when I think "aloof", I think of the "absent-minded professor" off in a daze.


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## maxiogee

You misunderstand me, tvdxer.
I can accept the author's use of the word 'shallow' if it is meant to imply that the passengers never see each other again - but the shallow would refer to the 'relationship' the people established on the bus, not to the people.

My use of the word 'aloof' was applied to those who wouldn't engage their fellow passengers because they wouldn't invest the temporary relationship with any emotional depth - saving depth for long-term and established relationships - that is aloofness to me.

Absent-minded professors are just that - absent-minded, people who are aloof are emotionally absent. But they're not absent-minded - there's a big difference.


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## bernik

If you consider the case of France, I think there is a difference between the northern and the southern half. In the southern part, it seems to me people are better at being friendly and polite in a formal way with strangers. But I think that striking conversation with strangers has probably become harder than it was 50 years ago. And this has been reinforced by the changes in the population. As the society becomes less homogeneous and less functional, we tend to ignore most people who live next to us, and we become more lonely.


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## maxiogee

That, alas, is true across all of "the developed world" - so much for development!


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## Alundra

I don't know if you ask for only for French opinion.. 
If you let me, I'll tell you an Spanish anecdote.

Well... I think in Spain we all are very open  and we talk too much with unknown...

I'm going to tell something that happened the last week to my husband...

All of you know when you go everyday at the same time at the same place, you always see the same people in the street....

The other day, when my husband was going to work, someone stopped him, and said him:

Hello, I'm xxxx yyyyy, and I work as a xyzzzz... I see you everyday, and I want to introduce me to you, because since I see you everyday, I want to greet you everyday too...  
My husband greeted him and said him his name too, and he was surprised somebody did something like that.... 

It isn't usual, and when my husband came back at home and told me,
both were astonished..... 
They say "hello" everyday each other from then... 

Alundra.


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## timpeac

In my experience the English would rather chew their own hands off than talk to strangers on a bus or train etc.

That is unless there is a crisis, of course, such as leaves on the line or the wrong sort of snow, and then they will happily reveal their deepest darkest secrets from the age of 3 onwards with anyone who'll listen or can't remove their nose from your armpit.

I must admit we would probably be rather suspicious of a culture that acted differently on this issue, and would probably view the swapping of confidencies with strangers as rather superficial, which is what I think you're getting at with "shallow".


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## tvdxer

I don't think the passengers on the bus that the author was referring to were sharing very private matters.  Probably just what's happening in their daily life at the time....


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## opsidol

Pero también creo que a veces, si no estoy de buen humor, puede ser muy molesto si alguien al que no conozco empieza hablar conmigo... entonces tengo que fingir estar interesado cuando de verdad solo quiero que la persona se calle! 

pero, de todos modos, creo que es una buena cosa que tantas personas pueden llevarse bien una con la otra, y yo también normalmente estoy dispuesto hacer esto, pero no siempre


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## Poetic Device

How is that shallow? Do you know how many people's outlooks are changed for the day after they have a friendly and polite convorstaion with a stranger? OMG, what do they think about hair fressers dressers talking to the client! :-O


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## Bonjules

tvdxer said:


> I don't think the passengers on the bus that the author was referring to were sharing very private matters. Probably just what's happening in their daily life at the time....


I agree with the otheres here, how could the mere fact that in the US we are less inhibited talking to strangers be called shallow? In fact, when you come from a culture where the 'perimeters of privacy' that you are not to penetrate are more firmly established( where I'm from, but I suspect much of Europe), you find it kind of liberating! Whether this conversation becomes 'deep' or stays at the surface depends on the participants and their 'chemistry'. 
Here I could see a situation where one could use the word 'shallow'. If one has such an extrovert/exhibitionist on hand that he/ she would carry on about themselves and the world without regards to the response or whether the other is interested.



Poetic Device said:


> How is that shallow? Do you know how many people's outlooks are changed for the day after they have.. ..
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> .....what do they think about hair fressers talking to the client! :-O
> 
> 
> 
> (I like that, 'hair fressers', like those who bite into carpets ('carpet fressers')?
> But anyway, I agree with you about the above. It can broaden the view of someone who lives in a place that doesn't have much contact with the world outside.
Click to expand...


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## maxiogee

_Do_ hair dressers talk about personal stuff? 

Men in barbershops in Dublin usually just want to talk sport. I counter that by closing my eyes as I sit into the chair and, if they attempt to bring up a sporting subject I indicate that I have no interest in any sports. That usually ensures a nice, quiet, haircut.
Women working in barbershops have never tried to start up inane conversations with me. I used to go to one particular place run by a woman and with female employees where they got to know me and had 'normal' conversations - about the days news.


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## PABLO DE SOTO

In my own town and in my own country I don't use to talk to strangers,except taxi-drivers,but when I travel abroad I use to do it.
I use to ask for any address or if I am in the right way and I inmediately know if the chosen person is ready to help or even chat for a while.
Most people help and I have had interesting conversations that help to understand the country you are visiting.

I especially remember Canada where not only me,but different people approached me to ask me something and we had nice conversations.

I expect nothing from those conversations.I mean I am not trying to make friends,but I remember those people like part of my trip.


In my own country it's different  and I don't use to talk to strangers,maybe because I am at home and I am not looking for new experiences,as I unconsciously do in other countries.


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## PABLO DE SOTO

maxiogee said:


> _Do_ hair dressers talk about personal stuff?
> 
> Men in barbershops in Dublin usually just want to talk sport. I counter that by closing my eyes as I sit into the chair and, if they attempt to bring up a sporting subject I indicate that I have no interest in any sports. That usually ensures a nice, quiet, haircut.
> Women working in barbershops have never tried to start up inane conversations with me. I used to go to one particular place run by a woman and with female employees where they got to know me and had 'normal' conversations - about the days news.


 

I think in Spain it's polite to have  a little conversation with barbers,taxi drivers,waiters,shop assistants etc.
If you are extremely serious and you deny a little chat ,people can think you are too rude.
Of course you don't need to tell your whole life or your personal life.
Just a short chat about the weather ,sports or the cost of life is enough.


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## Bonjules

maxiogee said:


> _Do_ hair dressers talk about personal stuff?


Doesn't matter, they talk, and they seem to feel they 'owe' it to you. There is only one way to avoid it: Don't go. One of the scariest things (for me) about beeing alone would be not to have anyone to let loose on my head every 2 months, no matter how atrocious the result.


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## Venezuelan_sweetie

_- In your country, do strangers talk to each other about their personal (NOT private) lives?_ 
Yes.  And they would talk about their private lives too!  I _like_ my people's openness and friendliness (I didn't know how much until I started dating French guys...  -no offense intended), but I _loooove_ keeping my personal life to myself (except at the forums, of course.  You guys make such fantastic questions, sometimes...  ).

Anyway, back in topic, people can start conversations here at virtually any place and time.  That is of course a matter of personality, but it is not culturally looked down upon.  Talking to whoever listens is socially acceptable here, though you do have the right of staying in silence and looking at the over-outgoing person with fiery eyes...  It never fails! 

- _For example, when spending large amounts of time in an enclosed environment, like on a bus or in a minibus? _
Well, I spend at least 16 hours travelling cross-state in buses every week, and one of the things that I truly dislike of doing so is, precisely, having those unwanted conversations.  Those are the moments when I thank heaven for MP4's and iPods: they're the perfect excuse for not engaging into foolish talk with strangers.

- _Do taxi drivers talk with their passengers?_
Do kids like candy?   

PS:





maxiogee said:


> I'd go the American way - but would call myself "open".


I hope you don't mean that "open" in the French way...


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## Poetic Device

maxiogee said:


> _Do_ hair dressers talk about personal stuff?
> 
> Men in barbershops in Dublin usually just want to talk sport. I counter that by closing my eyes as I sit into the chair and, if they attempt to bring up a sporting subject I indicate that I have no interest in any sports. That usually ensures a nice, quiet, haircut.
> Women working in barbershops have never tried to start up inane conversations with me. I used to go to one particular place run by a woman and with female employees where they got to know me and had 'normal' conversations - about the days news.


 
Obviously, I don't know anything about hair salons.barber shops in Ireland.  However, in America it is stupid to go to the salon and not think that you are going to be talking.  I've heard people--men and women alike--talk about everything in there:  from recipes to medications.  It's funny at times.


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## Etcetera

tvdxer said:


> Also: In your country, do strangers talk to eachother about their personal (NOT private) lives?  For example, when spending large amounts of time in an enclosed environment, like on a bus or in a minibus?  Do taxi drivers talk with their passengers?


On buses, as well as in minibuses, strangers usually don't talk to each other. An exception may be made in case of an enormous traffic jam or a road accident. 
In trains it actually depends on the length the journey. The longer the journey is, the more talks would arise. 
When I go to or from Moscow (I usually take an overnight train), I usually only exchange several phrases with other passengers - "Good evening, Good night, Good morning, Good bye", and that's all. But last time I travelled from Moscow, there were only two passengers in the compartment, me and another girl, also from St Petersburg. Very soon we found ourselves conversing in the most friendly fashion, and we even exchanged our e-mails. Not sure it would be like that had the gisl turned out to be a Muscovite.
All in all, it doesn't seem that most people are open to talks with strangers. At least where I live.


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## Cheesee = Madness

PABLO DE SOTO said:


> In my own town and in my own country I don't use to talk to strangers,except taxi-drivers,but when I travel abroad I use to do it.
> I use to ask for any address or if I am in the right way and I inmediately know if the chosen person is ready to help or even chat for a while.
> Most people help and I have had interesting conversations that help to understand the country you are visiting.
> 
> I especially remember Canada where not only me,but different people approached me to ask me something and we had nice conversations.
> 
> I expect nothing from those conversations.I mean I am not trying to make friends,but I remember those people like part of my trip.
> 
> 
> In my own country it's different  and I don't use to talk to strangers,maybe because I am at home and I am not looking for new experiences,as I unconsciously do in other countries.



I'm glad that you had a good time in Canada. I would not find it stange to begin a converstion with anyone, at almost any time. I've started some on buses, planes, the street, a train, and in schools, a couple federal offices, and one very memorable one at Disney World down in the U.S.


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## shaloo

A friendly conversation is not considered shallow in India. In fact, you'd find lots of them here!

People are very friendly & helpful and would be happy to volunteer, if you're new to the place.
Its common here that the taxi/ auto drivers here start off with a chat, generally with the increase in petrol/ oil prices and how it impacts their job... then the most favourite topic would be politics! They could go on and on about the local politics and predictions about who would win & why etc... Passengers are equally participative.
It can happen at public places like queues, planes, trains, buses & tourist spots as well.

One of the unforgettable conversations I ever had was with an AFP photographer (an Indian) when I was flying from Calcutta back to my home. He was aged some 45+ and had good stories to share with me... about his two decade career in the media industry, how he loved photography and his experiences at the Olympics, sports fests, during war, the tsunami and many more! It was very much informative & truely memorable, meeting with such an experienced professional in his domain.

But then, there are some exceptional ones who dislike such conversations. They believe that you shouldn't be getting into talks with strangers as you cannot predict who's who. So finally, its upto an individual whether to pursue it or not.


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## federicoft

In Italy, on buses, trains and such, strangers usually do not talk to each other, unless out of politeness or practical necessity. This is especially true in Northern and Central Italy, and in big cities. In this respect Americans are definitely more open.
However, this doesn't mean a conversation between strangers would be perceived as weird or shallow in any context. E.g. on a long train journey people in the same compartement are likely to share some basic informations about their personal lives, such as where are they from or what is the purpose of their trip. This could or could not happen, both cases would be perfectly permissible. Of course people who feel they have something to share, for instance people in the same age group or from the same hometown or region, are more likely to enter into conversation.


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## Mahaodeh

This is an interesting subject; after a little bit of thought I would imagine that most Arabs (at least in the countries I've been too), tend to chat a lot in such places; public transportation, taxis, the dentist's waiting room, in line at the supermarket, while picking out potatos at the grocery store; come to think of it, some are actually nosey, I've been asked personal questions by total strangers that I never met before and have never seen since that include: where do you live? how much do you make? what's your religion?, although most questions are in the lines of: what's your home town? do you have any children? what do you do for a living?

My grandmother even once started a conversation in the lift! 45 seconds was quite enough for her to meet someone new!


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## mirx

On my last trip to the USA, I was lucky enough to be sitting to his lovely girl who kept talking the whole 3-hour trip; she told me she did joints once a week, had a Jamaican lover, she was distanced with her sister, was on a diet that didnt seem to work (perhpas because she really didnt need it), had had a 9-year relation with her ex-boyfriend, she was a media graduate but now made a living as an event orginizer. I think her name was Lisa, and I gave Lisa similar facts about my own personal life. We got to my train-stop, so I got up, wished Lisa a nice evening and never saw her again.

So, how could this be shallow when it's such a beautiful memory?

Shallow would have been me talking to this Lisa girl, about the whether or politics for those same 4 hours.


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## Xiroi

My perception is that the further South you go people are not so used to see formal and friendly as an actual possibility. And I think that's a completly wrong perception. And my experience in the US is a bit similar. You can be formal AND friendly and then you have your real friends and they are not strangers. Taking a stranger for a friend is something I find kind of disturbing.

I think things have a lot to do not just with the situation, but also your age plays a big role imo. I remember a long Interail trip (European railway discount programme with special prices for those under 26) where I met this Brazilian guy who was a poet, not only did we talk about our trips and our lives. Before we parted he wrote me a poem. That was nice. Another guy I met on the train became my boyfriend for almost two years, in fact "Before sunrise" felt as if someone had been spying on us and put it on a film. 

A few months ago I had a nice conversation with an elderly lady in Spain who sat by me on a 4 hour long train trip. But sometmes I do want some peace and quiet. Personally I think it may be nice to talk to some people sometimes but not to anyone every time. I don't think I should be expected to accept that a stranger confides in me when I don't have the slightest interest in their problems. Which can be quiet shallow, stupid or merely disfunctional, btw.

So if I'm enjoying my music or my book or just the view through the window I'd hate to have to listen about the love life of a perfect stranger and her problems as if I had to listen. That's what shrinks are for and I think I'm not the one who's being rude. Rudeness is not respecting the will of a perfect stranger sitting next to you, who is clearly enjoying their book and still some people think they're entitled to get their attention to inform them in detail about their lives. 

I understand too many people are too isolated, too lonely, so it's only natural that they're willing to open their hearts to the first person who pays attention to them. But I'm entitled to my peace and quiet, as I said.

Don't get me wrong, I do chat with taxi drivers sometimes, other times I'm so focused on the meeting I'm going to that I'm not at all willing to discuss the traffic or whatever when I have more important things in my mind. And sometimes I've had to ask taxi drivers to focus strictly on their driving: If I take a taxi with a colleague or a friend and we're discussing something, no matter how interesting the driver may find the subject the fact that he can hear us and we're in his car doesn't mean he's being invited to be part of a private conversation.


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## Chaska Ñawi

Moderator note:  Please provide cultural context in addition to personal opinions or experiences; otherwise this thread will be closed.  Thank you for your understanding.


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## chics

> In your country, do strangers talk to eachother about their personal (NOT private) lives? For example, when spending large amounts of time in an enclosed environment, like on a bus or in a minibus? Do taxi drivers talk with their passengers?


Hello.

As Pablo says, in fact in Spain it's considered polite to do it. On the contrary, in France, if you start to do it, you'll quickly be nudged and be told "but what are you doing?". Even talking with not strangers in a small or closed are (like buses, lifts, etc.) where there are also strangers is there considerer unpolite and bothering. You are supose to whisper in order that the others can't here any sound or directly to shut up.


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## Cabeza tuna

In Chile the people is very friendly so, you speak about every kind of things with everyone , with the taxi driver, with the people than you meet in the elevator, in the bus, in the subway etc.
Put two chileans together for five minutes and they are going to become in the best friends of the world is amazing


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## bb008

Hola
 
En Venezuela o mejor dicho nosotros los venezolanos, hablamos hasta por los codos.
 
Por lo general, hay extraños que te preguntan la hora, te solicitan ayuda para una dirección, etc. (esto se ha perdido un poco por lo peligroso que esta el ambiente en general, da pena decirlo pero es cierto, yo he corrido, por que alguien de repente me solicita un información y si me toma de sorpresa en ese momento sin pensarlo salgo corriendo, aunque esto es harina de otro costal) sin embargo, si vas en un taxi, el taxista o el pasajero comienzan hablar del alto costo de la vida, de la delincuencia, del día a día que vive el país, del "Loco Chávez", si estas en un consultorio médico esperando que te atiendan, también, si vas al supermercado y estas en la cola y si esta muy larga, comienzan hablar de los precios de los alimentos, si vas en un transporte público y hay un choque y lo ves al pasar, también se comenta, es decir que nosotros hablamos aunque no nos conozcamos, pero casi nunca son cosas personales o privadas. Aunque puede suceder como:
 
Una anécdota: En una oportunidad iba en un transporte público y una mujer comenzó diciendo “me disculpan, pero estoy tan feliz que tengo que decirlo, hoy he recuperado a mi hija, mi hermana me la quitó y por fin se hizo justicia, los tribunales dieron una sentencia a mi favor y tengo que decírselo a alguien. Hoy me entregarán a mi hija”.
 
Este comentario fue algo muy personal, muy privado y a partir de allí la mujer dijo todo el problema suscitado con su hermana y su hija y las personas que estábamos en ese momento, nos quedamos sin habla, alguien hasta la felicitó, de resto nos quedamos callados, mirándola y escuchándola. 
 
Muchas veces la vida misma te lleva a tener poca comunicación, incluso dentro del mismo núcleo familiar (muchos parecen *extraños*) no existe. No se si esto es una leyenda urbana (venezolana o universal), lo cierto es que también supe de un vecino al que le tocaron la puerta, era una vecina que poco conocía y realmente su trato era muy poco, ella toco su puerta y le dijo que necesitaba hablar con alguien, esté que estaba ocupado, le dice que no puede en ese momento conversar con ella, la mujer se marcha… en la tarde de ese mismo día el hombre iba hacía al ascensor cuando tropieza con la conserje y esta se encuentra colocando una esquela mortuoria en la cartelera del edificio, este hombre le pregunta qué quién se murió y ella le dice que su vecina (la de él) se suicidó, el hombre asombrado le pregunta que a qué hora fue eso y la conserje le dice la hora, el hombre todavía no salía de su asombró fue de 10 a 15 minutos después que ella lo fue a buscar para conversar. 
 
En conclusión esta persona necesitaba de un extraño para conversar, necesitaba hablar con alguien (quién fuese, un extraño, la conserje, un amigo, justo en ese momento) urgente y ella fue a buscar lo que más cerca y rápido estaba a su alcance, su vecino, y lamentablemente no lo encontró. Bien dice el dicho que el familiar más cercano es tu vecino.
 
Saludos.-


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## Mate

Nota del moderador:

Debido a que no es posible mantener este hilo dentro de los carriles establecidos por los lineamientos del foro, y dado que esta es la segunda intervención por parte de un moderador, deberemos cerrarlo.

Gracias por vuestra comprensión.

Hilo cerrado.


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