# Ang talino mo



## dt1510

I attempted to create two stanzas of a love poem.

1st stanza in Tagalog::
Ang talino mo,
Ang ganda ng mga mata mo.
Gusto kitang makita,
Kailan tayo magkikita?
Ikaw ang pangarap,
Ninais kong mapalapit sa ‘yo,
Puso mo’y nasaan?

2nd stanza in Cebuano:
Pwede ka muuban nako?
Gusto ka makigsayaw uban nako?
Ayaw ko biya-e,
Gihigugma ko ikaw.
Kasabot naka nako karon?

I would like to ask 4 questions:
1. Is the 1st stanza grammatically correct/does it make sense?
2. Does reading the 1st stanza sound like it was produced by a native/fluent (average, not necessarily a poet) speaker? Does it have a good impression? If not, why not?
3. Is the 2nd stanza grammatically correct/does it make sense?
4.Does reading the 2nd stanza sound like it was produced by a native/fluent (average, not necessarily a poet) speaker? Does it have a good impression? If not, why not?


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## onj-onj26

Yes both are grammatically correct and intelligible. Impression-wise, it looks like it's been written by a "smitten" native. Well, I am not the romantic type so for me this is very corny. Sorry!  This may work, however, on female teenagers.


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## DotterKat

dt1510 said:


> I attempted to create two stanzas of a love poem.
> 
> 1st stanza in Tagalog:
> Ang talino mo,
> Ang ganda ng mga mata mo.
> Gusto kitang makita,
> Kailan tayo magkikita?
> Ikaw ang pangarap,
> Ninais kong mapalapit sa ‘yo,
> Puso mo’y nasaan?....
> 
> ........
> 1. Is the 1st stanza grammatically correct/does it make sense?
> 2. Does reading the 1st stanza sound like it was produced by a native/fluent (average, not necessarily a poet) speaker? Does it have a good impression? If not, why not?



With reference only to the Tagalog portion of your poem, yes it makes sense and for the most part is grammatically correct.  The only improvement I might add is to change ninais to *nais*.  _*Ninais*_ being in the completed aspect ("past tense") of the verb nais could imply that you at one point in the past desir_*ed*_ or wish_*ed*_ to become close to this person but may no longer have the same inclination at the present time.  The rest of the stanza clearly states otherwise, which makes the tense incongruence more flagrant.


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## dt1510

Thank you for your replies. Based on the impression feedback, I will rather try to create a better poem instead of sending this one. But the better poem means it will be harder not to make a mistake.

The past tense still may make the sense since I wished to come closer to her, but now it does not look possible anymore. However, I failed to capture this as I do not really know Tagalog.


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## mataripis

Ok this is my version dt1510.Ang  Galing mo! Tingin mo ay kahalihalina.ibig kitang makasama kahit minsan lamang.kailan ba kita magkakaharap?ikaw ang aking pangarap.Nais ko sanang maging malapit sa iyo sa tuwi tuwina.damdamin mo ukol ba saan?


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## dt1510

mataripis said:


> Ok this is my version dt1510.Ang  Galing mo! Tingin mo ay kahalihalina.ibig kitang makasama kahit minsan lamang.kailan ba kita magkakaharap?ikaw ang aking pangarap.Nais ko sanang maging malapit sa iyo sa tuwi tuwina.damdamin mo ukol ba saan?


I think it will take me time until I will be able to appreciate your version.


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