# Does intellectual disparity kill love?



## ortiza

I just can't help to wonder if it is possible for two people to sustain their union without feeding each other's brains. 

Is it really possible to make it as a HAPPY couple in spite of a vast intellectual disparity?


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## LadyBlakeney

I have observed a couple of good examples of it, and it worked beautifully, although there was a flaw: in all the happy couples, the man was the smartest one. In fact, a friend of mine who is an "exceptionally gifted person" (superdotado) seemed to be destined to bachelorhood, and now he is happy as a man can be with a girl who's a love but a little... slow.

Recently I read a newspaper article quoting a survey that showed women with a high IQ have more problems to get married...

I'm no genius, but I am seriously considering to start playing the fool...


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## asm

Dear Lady:


I'd disagree with you in certain way. I respect your experience and if you say all happy couples you have met with this condition have the man as the smartest one in the couple, it's OK. But you cannot generalize from that experience. I know couples the other way around, and they work!



It's my opinion that in human nature there is a tendency to find a couple with similar traits, being intelligence one of those characteristics, but not necessarily the only one. Most of the time we choose similar people to deal with. Obviously, there are exceptions, some other times we choose a person from another group (race, nationality, etc.) and this could be perceived as an exception, but sometimes it is not; it is because we find in those persons something similar to our traits, but not the most notorious.

Differences help us survive, differences help us fail, as any other resources (traits), differences need to be wisely used to become a positive asset.
 







			
				LadyBlakeney said:
			
		

> I have observed a couple of good examples of it, and it worked beautifully, although there was a flaw: in all the happy couples, the man was the smartest one. In fact, a friend of mine who is an "exceptionally gifted person" (superdotado) seemed to be destined to bachelorhood, and now he is happy as a man can be with a girl who's a love but a little... slow.
> 
> Recently I read a newspaper article quoting a survey that showed women with a high IQ have more problems to get married...
> 
> I'm no genius, but I am seriously considering to start playing the fool...


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## LadyBlakeney

Asm, I really enjoyed your well-thought and measured reply. 

I wasn't aware that my post gave the impression of being generalizing. That was not my intention at all, as I spoke exclusively of what "I have observed". I apologize and stick to the old Spanish saying: "Every person is a world". So smart girls with good-natured boyfriends, speak aloud!!!!   





			
				asm said:
			
		

> Dear Lady:
> 
> 
> I'd disagree with you in certain way. I respect your experience and if you say all happy couples you have met with this condition have the man as the smartest one in the couple, it's OK. But you cannot generalize from that experience. I know couples the other way around, and they work!
> 
> 
> 
> It's my opinion that in human nature there is a tendency to find a couple with similar traits, being intelligence one of those characteristics, but not necessarily the only one. Most of the time we choose similar people to deal with. Obviously, there are exceptions, some other times we choose a person from another group (race, nationality, etc.) and this could be perceived as an exception, but sometimes it is not; it is because we find in those persons something similar to our traits, but not the most notorious.
> 
> Differences help us survive, differences help us fail, as any other resources (traits), differences need to be wisely used to become a positive asset.


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## ortiza

Lady B and ASM,

We all know that all situations are possible, sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse.

But I think that in our case, the good-looking and good-natured boyfriend is an atraction at first but that, eventually, the lack of intellectual stimulation will get to us. I think that often men don't mind replacing brains for beauty (if they can't find both), it explains why, perhaps, we may say things like the man is "smarter". But we ladies do not so much fall into that category, and that is why it is more rare to see her as being the "smarter" one. I think we want equality in the intellectual realm, not someone too brilliant that will makes us feel inappropriate, but neither someone a mile behind us.


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## asm

Thank you.

I think that intelligence was distributed with a normal distribution*, so it is likely that 50% of the couples have a male as the more intelligent, and the rest (another 50% ) has her as the smart one. However, any conclusion taken from this statement is useless and worthless. Some times the difference could be big (lets say 2 standard deviations), so we now have a problem (???), but not that bad if there are other aspects in life that compensate this difference.
Some times mixed couples are more "reliable" and stable than similar ones. Such is life!!!


Viva la diferencia!!!!!!!!!





*(please, do not think I am a pro-bell curve fan, as a matter of fact, I think that book has done more bad than good)



			
				LadyBlakeney said:
			
		

> Asm, I really enjoyed your well-thought and measured reply.
> 
> I wasn't aware that my post gave the impression of being generalizing. That was not my intention at all, as I spoke exclusively of what "I have observed". I apologize and stick to the old Spanish saying: "Every person is a world". So smart girls with good-natured boyfriends, speak aloud!!!!


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## Artrella

Personally, I think I wouldn't marry a man who is less intelligent than me, but I would do it if he is more intelligent than me.  I wouldn't stand being married to a man who does not like to read, or study or do some intellectual activity.  
I like differences... he should not be like me, but at least he has to show some intellectual interests.
I believe that in the long run, a couple whose interests are very dissimilar, will fail.


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## lainyn

Artrella, you've got it perfectly!

I absolutely can't stand dating a guy who's not as intelligent as me. I shall explain, it's not because I despise him for not being academic, etc, it's because I despise myself for caring that he's not "smart enough". So basically, the best relationship I've ever had was with a guy who happened to already have a degree, be working on his Master's and be hopelessly intelligent...we had so much fun teaching me Plato and all of that. It's just yet another reason I'm attracted to older men (in a moderate sense, of course). I probably wouldn't date a guy more than 8-10 years older than me, but I could definitely see myself marrying a guy a few years ahead of me...more educated..more to learn from, etc.

~Lainyn


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## Citrus

There are stories about how a couple with both members beeing at the same "intelligence status" is a complete disaster. And, on the other hand, there are the stories that tell the exact opposite. 

I belive that it depends on how people interact, and what they like to do as a couple. For example: a very "intellectual" person may rather be with people that do not read or study, but like adventure or live a more "anti-book" life. It kind of balance the fact that they know a lot (stuff you can learn from books). 

Each of us are looking for something that complement us. That person can be someone who shows us a part of life that we don't usually "visit" or someone who challenges us to improve our intelligence.

In my personal experience I can say that I couldn't "spend the rest of my life" with someone that does not enjoy an "intelligent" conversation or that I consider to be less intelligent than me. But someone that is all about books and facts has no appeal to me either. (or is it "has no appeal for me"?)

As all inter-personal relationship, it's VERY COMPLICATED. But, when you find your match, I belive the two of you can grow together (phisically and mentaly) and make it work.

I've rambled enough  !!! So I'll say my goodbyes.
Regards 
Citrus


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## Phryne

Well, truthfully I've never heard anybody saying that they want to be with somebody dumber than them. It just doesn't make any sense.  Some may prefer looks over intelligence, but none would ever say they do want to be with someone stupid. Anyway, I think most of us are with people that are like us; otherwise, it means that we like to be with people who do like dumber people, right?  Or we just like to be patronized?  Well, I don't! As much as I admire my philosophy teacher I don't know if I can date a person like that. That's why teachers are teachers and lovers are... equal? 

saludos


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## gliamo

asm said:
			
		

> *(please, do not think I am a pro-bell curve fan, as a matter of fact, I think that book has done more bad than good)


asm,

The writers of the book "The Bell Curve" did not invent the bell curve! So when talking statistics, you can safely mention a bell curve without people assuming you share the ideas of the book's authors.

G.


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## CBFelix

I really don’t remember the author’s name, he was an American and quite an ugly man ! But he was very intelligent (required to be an author!) He had a girl friend, model once, very beautiful but rather stupid.. During the press conference, one journalist asked weather they were considering to get married and have kids.. She jumped and answered;  “imagine! a kid with my beauty and his intelligence..” The author replied “oh my ..!  imagine! a kid, other way around!”    
It was the end of their relation. 

The story is real.. Do anybody call his name? 

Any way, the bottom line is “NO WAY!”


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## Phryne

CBFelix said:
			
		

> I really don’t remember the author’s name, he was an American and quite an ugly man ! But he was very intelligent (required to be an author!) He had a girl friend, model once, very beautiful but rather stupid.. During the press conference, one journalist asked weather they were considering to get married and have kids.. She jumped and answered; “imagine! a kid with my beauty and his intelligence..” The author replied “oh my ..! imagine! a kid, other way around!”
> It was the end of their relation.
> The story is real.. Do anybody call his name?
> Any way, the bottom line is “NO WAY!”



Marilyn Monroe and Arthur Miller, maybe???


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## Like an Angel

At some point I share all the points of view in here, but what drives me mad is the word *smart*. If you show a man that you are smart enough -enough for anything, no matter the subject- he feels _threatened _and just leave you, he doesn't stop and think about why you are with him. He has to be the smarter in the realtionship or he just _leave the ship. _At least, this has happened to me sometimes, maybe it's because our country is a bit chauvinistic yet. Does anything like this happen in other/your country?


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## Like an Angel

I didn't mean to be pedantic -I've laready re-read my post, and said "what do you think you are?"- I'm not that smart, but if a man feels that you are smarter than him then love is over, did I make myself clear?


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## asm

This is important to you, that's why you married an intelligent man. I agree with you about that, but I think unimportant differences (according to you/him) are that "unimportant"


By the way, if what you say is true, he should be an extraordinay intelligent man. 





			
				Artrella said:
			
		

> Personally, I think I wouldn't marry a man who is less intelligent than me, but I would do it if he is more intelligent than me. I wouldn't stand being married to a man who does not like to read, or study or do some intellectual activity.
> I like differences... he should not be like me, but at least he has to show some intellectual interests.
> I believe that in the long run, a couple whose interests are very dissimilar, will fail.


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## ortiza

Like an Angel said:
			
		

> At some point I share all the points of view in here, but what drives me mad is the word *smart*. If you show a man that you are smart enough -enough for anything, no matter the subject- he feels _threatened _and just leave you, he doesn't stop and think about why you are with him. He has to be the smarter in the realtionship or he just _leave the ship. _At least, this has happened to me sometimes, maybe it's because our country is a bit chauvinistic yet. Does anything like this happen in other/your country?



To me that sounds strange because that hasn't been my experience. On the contrary, they admire and respect you more!


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## Artrella

asm said:
			
		

> This is important to you, that's why you married an intelligent man. I agree with you about that, but I think unimportant differences (according to you/him) are that "unimportant"
> 
> 
> By the way, if what you say is true, he should be an extraordinay intelligent man.




He is indeed, asm!!  He's brilliant!  But he says languages are useless and that we should speak only one language!!!  See? We are different!! But he studies, he reads, he knows a lot of things, and he keeps improving himself day after day... that is what is really important to me!!!
And "unimportant" differences... well, we all have differences, but that is what  makes a couple of us ... if we were the same thing... oohhhh that would be so boring!!!............


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## Citrus

ortiza said:
			
		

> To me that sounds strange because that hasn't been my experience. On the contrary, they admire and respect you more!


 
In my opinion that's the way it should be!!!! . . . And it should work both ways.
It's rather sad that it's not the general feeling in some parts of the world . . .

I've also had the expirience of beeing with a man that was "threatened" and the relationship became a competition . . . not nice at all. 

Regards
Citrus


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## ortiza

I have been in this kind of relationship, and the longer it went, the more painful it felt not to have an intellectual outlet, I just got really bored. Yes, you have your friends but most of time you spend with your honey. So, you go to see a great movie and there's not "discussion" afterwards beyond "that's interesting...", there's no outlet to discuss what's happening in our world, and there are the loooooooong silences. I just feel that you end up reppresing who you really are, and that's no fun. But, I can't help to wonder if I was "wrong" for feeling this way, for leaving a kind and gentle man because of this.


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## Artrella

ortiza said:
			
		

> I have been in this kind of relationship, and the longer it went, the more painful it felt not to have an intellectual outlet, I just got really bored. Yes, you have your friends but most of time you spend with your honey. So, you go to see a great movie and there's not "discussion" afterwards beyond "that's interesting...", there's no outlet to discuss what's happening in our world, and there are the loooooooong silences. I just feel that you end up reppresing who you really are, and that's no fun. But, I can't help to wonder if I was "wrong" for feeling this way, for leaving a kind and gentle man because of this.




Well, the same happens to me.  I think that if you don't have anything to talk about with a person... you have nothing to do with them!!  I mean you can have passion, sex, whatever, but then you need something else, you need to fill your soul, your spirit...


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## Phryne

I'm sorry to be the party pooper, but who doesn't feel that way?  I've met very frivolous people in my life, and even they can get quite picky. 

Also, let's keep in mind that there are tons of smart people in the world, but we don't necessarily have common interests with them. I tend to gather with people that share interests with me. For instance I don't care about computer sciences or the new laws of quantic physics, but I would never have the nerves to say that a world renowned physic is dumb.  Duh! 

Finally, for instance in my marriage, I'm the cinephile and I know a lot about films, directors and I'm _really, really_ snob about it.  On the contrary, my husband, can appreciate, comment and have good criteria on a movie, but he will never get as much in depth as I do. Interestingly, regarding music, it's the opposite. As a matter of fact, he's a composer and I can't even understand the concept of a note! 

So, who's the smart one???? Who sets the rules? I think it's really hard to say ...


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## Artrella

Phryne said:
			
		

> I'm sorry to be the party pooper, but who doesn't feel that way?  I've met very frivolous people in my life, and even they can get quite picky.
> 
> Also, let's keep in mind that there are tons of smart people in the world, but we don't necessarily have common interests with them. I tend to gather with people that share interests with me. For instance I don't care about computer sciences or the new laws of quantic physics, but I would never have the nerves to say that a world renowned physic is dumb.  Duh!
> 
> Finally, for instance in my marriage, I'm the cinephile and I know a lot about films, directors and I'm _really, really_ snob about it.  On the contrary, my husband, can appreciate, comment and have good criteria on a movie, but he will never get as much in depth as I do. Interestingly, regarding music, it's the opposite. As a matter of fact, he's a composer and I can't even understand the concept of a note!
> 
> So, who's the smart one???? Who sets the rules? I think it's really hard to say ...




Yes MJ! But he is a composer, you are a cinephile.  Both like culture, in different areas, but culture in the end...  So nobody is smarter, both like to think, to create, to read, to write...

My husband is a systems engineer and of course I don't like it, numbers, computers,blah blah blah,  I love languages, art, books, etc... but what joins us is the love we have for learning... and for discovering new things everyday... besides he likes all those awful  action movies, and I love sad movies, films about trials (I really love them), romantic ones...


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## ortiza

Artrella said:
			
		

> Yes MJ!
> My husband is a systems engineer and of course I don't like it, numbers, computers,blah blah blah,  I love languages, art, books, etc... but what joins us is the love we have for learning... and for discovering new things everyday... besides he likes all those awful  action movies, and I love sad movies, films about trials (I really love them), romantic ones...


I agree Artrella!! 
 Is not about what he or she can do but that you both actually share the same "fabric", the curiosity, that stuff that makes us stay up late with the foreros talking about the subjuntive! (of all things!) (what a bunch of nerds we are!)    

I guess we need someone who may share different interests but who has certain degree of sensibility and depth, who can be in the same lenghtwave as us. Or else, the relationship feels stagnated (right word?), and this eventually kills your spirit, your soul. (I do want to be wrong, but I am afraid I am not!)


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## Phryne

Artrella said:
			
		

> Yes MJ! But he is a composer, you are a cinephile.  Both like culture, in different areas, but culture in the end...  So nobody is smarter, both like to think, to create, to read, to write...
> 
> My husband is a systems engineer and of course I don't like it, numbers, computers,blah blah blah,  I love languages, art, books, etc... but what joins us is the love we have for learning... and for discovering new things everyday... besides he likes all those awful  action movies, and I love sad movies, films about trials (I really love them), romantic ones...


Of course, my dear Artis! That's why I said before that _"I tend to gather with people that share interests with me."_ My point is that it is extremely vague to say who's smart and who's not. I might be more knowledgeable in a specific subject and my partner have better understanding of a compelety different one.  

After reading all posts, it is contradictory (from a logical point of view) that most people admitted to like being with somebody more clever/savvy/sagacious/knowledgeable/whatever than themselves but they wouldn't date anyone dumber. So who dates them?  I mean, there's must be somebody willing to be with somebody dumber, less willing to learn, anything bad for you, otherwise, everybody would date equals.   
....  Sorry, jokes aside, everybody here claims that they wouldn't date anybody dumber than them but, unless the person is *really dumb* I don't know how they can assert their knowledge, intelligence, blah blah. Most times it is just reduced to NOT having things in common. Being "dumb" is just relative, what's dumb to me might not be dumb to you. And I'm really curious now is "who would admit to date somebody stupid"?.  ... sorry, but this is kind of silly...  

Buenas noches! Me voy a estudiar!!


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## ortiza

Phryne said:
			
		

> . And I'm really curious now is "who would admit to date somebody stupid"?.  ... sorry, but this is kind of silly...



Good point! But, I don't agree that you are "stupid" just because you have no intellectual curiosity. 
Are there any stories out there that dismantle the general concensus we seem to be arriving at in this discussion????


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## LadyBlakeney

I have a married relative who apparently falls into the category of "intellectuals". He has read thousands of books and always has a quote at the tip of his tongue. However, I've never met anyone more narrow-minded or with a less analytic mind. His wife may have less degrees than him, and surely she reads less than half of what he does, but, as we say in Spanish, her upper storey is much better furnished! Mind you, the fact of gender is totally unimportant in this case.

As for my previous posts, I was just commenting on some people I've met, I certainly believe they are not the general rule.

I must confess that I'd like to find a man that's smarter, more intelligent and cultivated than me (which shouldn't be difficult  ) and still wants to be with me (that's the tricky part  ). This is only because I'd enjoy learning from him. However, a simpler man who is more generous, considerate and loving than I am (no big deal either) would probably make the perfect match for me, the annoying smartass (pardon my Spanish  ).


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## Fernando

You are very good insulting yourself, LB. Please, do not try on! I am far better than you on that subject.

On the topic: On my experience, it should be some relation between the intelligence and 'culture', as LB has pointed out. 

I can not see myself married to a dumb mate, but that is my choice. Anyway, the couples I know use to share a similar IQ. When I say 'similar' I mean that the similarity in intelligence & cultivation is far closer than the similarity in wealthy, as an example.


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## Narda

I believe that intellectual disparity kills love.  I have seen it.  You know why?  Because it brings boredom.  There is no challenge.  Whether the woman or the man is the smarter of the two.  Besides there is no point of contact, interests will differ.

Now, having said that, I have ti tell you that there will always be one of the two that will be smarter in one area than the other.  Two very smart people can get together, yet one goes for numbers and the other one for words.  One is practical, the other is not.  That is complementing.  Yet, both are at the same level in gray matter although their skills will differ a bit, but they do share common ground in other areas.

Also, I have seen some people choose somebody not as bright or not as educated/trained just because it is easier for them to deal with that than to be challenged (lazy?), that usually does not bring good results.  He/she will have a feeling of superiority and that is not a "couple friendly" feeling.  Yet, maybe a person has not had access to all the education the other one has, but... she/he might be as smart, then, there is not disparity because there will always be time to make up for lost opportunities unless there is no inner desire to do so.

Intellectual disparity is not good, but people can get up to par if they want, provided your mate is eager to give you the space.


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## LadyBlakeney

Fernando said:
			
		

> You are very good insulting yourself, LB. Please, do not try on! I am far better than you on that subject.



Oh, dear, oh, dear! You make me sound like a masochist!!!  

I just think it is healthy to laugh at yourself now and then. Now, what I really meant to say is that I try to be tolerant with my couple's faults, for I am quite aware or my own.  

C ya!


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## beatrizg

No seria mas importante saber 'inteligentemente' aguantar/sobrellevar *... las neurosis del otro???
Me pregunto.

____
*/lidiar con


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## Narda

Wealth similarity/disparity is another subject entirely, isn't it?

Laughing at ourselves is a very smart thing to do and in my opinion only intelligent beings can do that.


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## asm

Do you know the book? It is full of statistics flaws, and they did not take into consideration a lot of factors.
It is a racist book, they just got their agenda, and that was it, they first shoot the gun and then after set the target. In such a way "you will never fail".
One thing is the bell curve, as a statistical tool and another is their "bell-curve" they *did invent*, just to say that white people is more intelligent than the African American.




			
				gliamo said:
			
		

> asm,
> 
> The writers of the book "The Bell Curve" did not invent the bell curve! So when talking statistics, you can safely mention a bell curve without people assuming you share the ideas of the book's authors.
> 
> G.


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## Narda

Neurosis... that is another issue entirely.  Lack of brains is another.  Even more, lack of education or training is another.  Social upbringing one more.  Economics, another one.  Wow, if we were to cite differences.  However, keep in mind that the dynamics of a couple are very, very particular, deep and only they two involved can really understand what is going on, and sometimes not even themselves.  Least of us outside.


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## asm

The book was written by two authors:

_The Bell Curve_ (Richard Hernstein & Charles Murray, New York: The Free Press 1994).

I did not know anything about the anecdote.

The book is an "explanation" of why whites are more intelligent than blacks. It is a racist book diguised with a "scientific research costume." 





			
				CBFelix said:
			
		

> I really don’t remember the author’s name, he was an American and quite an ugly man ! But he was very intelligent (required to be an author!) He had a girl friend, model once, very beautiful but rather stupid.. During the press conference, one journalist asked weather they were considering to get married and have kids.. She jumped and answered; “imagine! a kid with my beauty and his intelligence..” The author replied “oh my ..! imagine! a kid, other way around!”
> It was the end of their relation.
> 
> The story is real.. Do anybody call his name?
> 
> Any way, the bottom line is “NO WAY!”


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## Narda

Hi CBFelix, I have to disagree with you.  To be an author you don't have to be smart/intelligent/bright, if not, look at the things we find in the bookstores nowadays.  Is like asserting that to be a celebrity/star you have to be smart.  It would be nice though.


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## asm

I'd rephrase your idea, if you allow me to do so.

I'd say: I wouldn't marry a man who is not as intelligent as I am (a little more, a little less, but similar anyway). No more than one standard deviation.

I do not believe on those IQs and other "numbers" that fix intelligence into a single figure. I rather see intelligence as a "multiple-factor" trait. I'd say that we all marry people who are similar in the traits that are important for us. 
For most "foreros" our intellectual life is important, that is why all (almost at least) think intelligence is an important thing to think about your partner. HOwever, there are other people who think political perspective, financial drive (and possessions ), or sports are more important than marrying a smart couple.




			
				Artrella said:
			
		

> Personally, I think I wouldn't marry a man who is less intelligent than me, but I would do it if he is more intelligent than me. I wouldn't stand being married to a man who does not like to read, or study or do some intellectual activity.
> I like differences... he should not be like me, but at least he has to show some intellectual interests.
> I believe that in the long run, a couple whose interests are very dissimilar, will fail.


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## ortiza

beatrizg said:
			
		

> No seria mas importante saber 'inteligentemente' aguantar/sobrellevar *... las neurosis del otro???
> Me pregunto.
> 
> ____
> */lidiar con



You are right! we all have to put up with things we don't like about the other person, some things we let it "slide" because it somehow does not touch a nerve in us, but there are others we find intolerable.


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## ortiza

Narda said:
			
		

> Wealth similarity/disparity is another subject entirely, isn't it?
> 
> Laughing at ourselves is a very smart thing to do and in my opinion only intelligent beings can do that.



I think so too. If we laugh at ourselves before anyone one does first, then, we win!! if we do so, whatever our fault is, it does not become an issue, I think. But, do you think this attitude is a sign of intellingence? the fact that we have to have a healthy ego in the first place to be able to do that? (may be this is off topic, but I am curious why you think only intelligent peple can do it)


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## VenusEnvy

I am surprised that no one has yet challenged "intelligence". What exactly does this mean? High scores on standardized tests? If you like to read, then you are smart? 

Indeed the authors who wrote the Bell Curve (Murray and Herrnstein, I think) did make one grave assumption: General intelligence ("g") exists and it can be easily measured (through IQ tests). 

In an increasingly diverse world full of different dialects, learning styles, and cultures, why is there only one intelligence?

Howard Gardner's theory of multiple intelligences says that people have all intelligences, and in varying levels. 
There are 7:
Linguistic (intelligence)
Logical-Mathmatical
Musical
Spatial
Bodily-Kinesthetic
Interpersonal
Intrapersonal

Click here, and scroll down to take some quizzes to determine which intelligence you possess the most of!
This seems much more interesting than simply calling yourself "smart" or "not smart".

I'll say something about my personal life. I am with someone whom I think is neither more intelligent or less intelligent than me. I have my strengths, as does he. We know different things, but we both are capable of learning. Sorry all, I just don't (and will not) compare myself to the person I'm with in this sense.


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## Phryne

VenusEnvy said:
			
		

> I am surprised that no one has yet challenged "intelligence". What exactly does this mean? High scores on standardized tests? If you like to read, then you are smart?


 Hey Venus, I have challenged it on at least a couple of posts, but no one seemed to notice it, or maybe  I just don't know how to convey my ideas. 
I think that's the most difficult thing to assert, intelligence. I've prejudged people on many occasions, and because they had no formal education I thought they were less intelligent, but I was wrong. ...

saludos


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## Narda

Hi Venus, I agree, we have to pison a relationship, COMPARE!  You want to enjoy life next to the one you have chose, accept hiim/her and yourself the way you were created.

In reference to intelligence, I believe that intelligence and skills are too different thinks.

I remember one Harvard professor many years ago.  I went into his office and he had stapled the papers he had in his hand to his tie.  There was another one of those super geniuses with a PHD from Harvard and an undergraduate from Princeton that did not have any human/communications.interrelations skills whatsoever.  If you finally got him talking, he was a pleasure.

Being a good photographer, its a matter of skills and learning (of course you need to understand the dynamics)

A good painter (art), same thing as with a good musician, a gifted gardener.  Of course, there are things that require more sensitivity than others.  But imagine somebody that restores antiques.

Well, I get carried aways.  Please forgive my verbosity.


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## Narda

thank you Phryne, that is my point, lack of education does not mean you are less intelligent.  Lack of skills does not make you less intelligent, it is that you haven't been trained one way or another.

Reading, per se, does not make you intelligent.  Some people read trash and addictively (is that a word??)


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## VenusEnvy

Phryne: I'm sorry if I overlooked it! I'm oblivious at times.


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## Phryne

VenusEnvy said:
			
		

> Phryne: I'm sorry if I overlooked it! I'm oblivious at times.


I actually don't think you overlooked it. Since I wasn't very direct on it, and nobody answered either, I think that it was me who wasn't clear enough.  

saludos


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## nmcil

New to the group and have enjoyed reading this discussion - one thing that I know from personal experience is that irrespective of the level of intelligence - what will make a strong and wonderful relationship comes from the ability of said people to engage in conversations.  All the wonderful and great ideas are lost if not spoken - 

Would level of interest in your partner's ideas not also be a large part of the relationship.  Does'nt everyone have an awesome story behind the life they lead?  Good lesson I had was (being the smug visual artist) came from a totally uneducated woman - here is what she said "looking at a rose and seeing the red - something so beautiful that it makes you want to cry."  That is a level of understanding that does beyond our accepted generalizations of intelligence and education.


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## Narda

That is sensitivity.  Being intelligent doesn't necessarily grant it, nor being intellectually trained/educated.  I believe it belongs more to the spirit and therefore hard to acquire.


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## VenusEnvy

nmcil: Welcome to the forum!     Beautiful story.


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## Narda

You have said it teachers are teachers and lovers are lovers.  They love all about you.


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## Narda

Aclaración, my previous reply was originated by one of Phrynes commentaries.  Because it does not make sense where it is now.


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## Merlin

Actually it's not really an issue who's smart and who's not. Although sometimes it does. I'm a happy married man.  You just have to talk. Having conversations will enlighten each other about new ideas and new things. You can share those ideas to each other and make your relationship work out. My wife is very intellegent as I am. But sometimes I know things that she don't know and vice versa. So we learn from each other. The more things you know/share the better the relationship will be. 

I feel dizzy right now........Am I making any sense here?....??

I think I need to sleep now


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## meili

Basing my answer to the question - I think so..  or is in my position - but of course, that is if you have fallen in love with somebody who has high regards to intellect and who have fallen in love with you because you share equal smartness (though not exactly in the same field).
I tell you a story:
Bestfriends turned 'special friends' - and until now happy. Guy is a software engineer, girl is a human resource information officer. They had always enjoyed talking and sharing things with each other. Guy says something and without even finishing it, girl can pick it up immediately and fills in the blanks. They talk about everything - computers, work, human relations, music, how to lead, family problems, dreams... - they agree, disagree, will agree to disagree, disagree to agree, agree again, and burst out laughing together. However, one day, girl has to move out. New work caused girl to be isolated from people (and from him) and from other things. Girl learned to listen more. Everytime guy calls, girl listens. She always listens and finds it hard to find for reactions and reasons. Guy thought girl does not care anymore - asked girl to evaluate self - and he'll be off somewhere - gave girl time. She then found out that she had turned herself into a listener and will just say what the she thought the other just wants to hear (just like in her work), has succumb to reading, avoided talking to people. After two months, guy followed girl, stepped in the front door - talked. Still girl listens, answers but not like before. Guy said girl is disoriented, girl then said that it does not make her less intelligent now that she listens more. Guy drops head and said he wants 'old friend' back! Girl thought about it. Promised to self that she will try to be back (with polishings of becoming the best). Girl eventually came back and now they agree, disagree, agrees to disagree, disagrees to agree, agree again, and burst out laughing together - again. 
Reason: Girl found WR!
Did I answer the question? Hmmm.. beats me. I think nothing really kills love. Intelligence is just one of the factors that you both look in each other. You kill love if you stop fighting for the love that you have with each other!


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## Merlin

meili said:
			
		

> Basing my answer to the question - I think so..  or is in my position - but of course, that is if you have fallen in love with somebody who has high regards to intellect and who have fallen in love with you because you share equal smartness (though not exactly in the same field).
> I tell you a story:
> Bestfriends turned 'special friends' - and until now happy. Guy is a software engineer, girl is a human resource information officer. They had always enjoyed talking and sharing things with each other. Guy says something and without even finishing it, girl can pick it up immediately and fills in the blanks. They talk about everything - computers, work, human relations, music, how to lead, family problems, dreams... - they agree, disagree, will agree to disagree, disagree to agree, agree again, and burst out laughing together. However, one day, girl has to move out. New work caused girl to be isolated from people (and from him) and from other things. Girl learned to listen more. Everytime guy calls, girl listens. She always listens and finds it hard to find for reactions and reasons. Guy thought girl does not care anymore - asked girl to evaluate self - and he'll be off somewhere - gave girl time. She then found out that she had turned herself into a listener and will just say what the she thought the other just wants to hear (just like in her work), has succumb to reading, avoided talking to people. After two months, guy followed girl, stepped in the front door - talked. Still girl listens, answers but not like before. Guy said girl is disoriented, girl then said that it does not make her less intelligent now that she listens more. Guy drops head and said he wants 'old friend' back! Girl thought about it. Promised to self that she will try to be back (with polishings of becoming the best). Girl eventually came back and now they agree, disagree, agrees to disagree, disagrees to agree, agree again, and burst out laughing together - again.
> Reason: Girl found WR!
> Did I answer the question? Hmmm.. beats me. I think nothing really kills love. Intelligence is just one of the factors that you both look in each other. You kill love if you stop fighting for the love that you have with each other!


You're absolutely correct  Bullseye I almost have the same story. It's just that we started to be the best of friends as a student. She's a year older than me. After her graduation, she left for a job in another province. That time I anticipated that our relationship will not last that long. we occassionally call and text each other. we used to talk a lot. Share everything. Ever since she got that job, I just became a listener. I don't talk that much anymore. I just talk when she asks something or she wants me to share something. But we have our moments when it just comes out naturally. Just like the old days. We're now married and expecting a baby. I'm proud to say that inspite all that, we're still intellegent.


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## Tiger-Lilly

Hi! I am new to all this so I hope my opinion counts!

I would have to say that I think it's the way people perceive intelligence that causes the issue. I have been with my less intellectual fiancee for a long time and we are very happy together. We have excellent debates about everything from politics to 'Eastenders' and it's because we see eachother as equals that we get on so well. I may be more intelligent with things like geography and maths but he is excellent with his hands, producing/fixing things that I wouldn't have known where to start with!!! 

So, I think it is up to the individual as to whether their partners intelligence is of importance!


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## Merlin

Tiger-Lilly said:
			
		

> Hi! I am new to all this so I hope my opinion counts!
> 
> I would have to say that I think it's the way people perceive intelligence that causes the issue. I have been with my less intellectual fiancee for a long time and we are very happy together. We have excellent debates about everything from politics to 'Eastenders' and it's because we see eachother as equals that we get on so well. I may be more intelligent with things like geography and maths but he is excellent with his hands, producing/fixing things that I wouldn't have known where to start with!!!
> 
> So, I think it is up to the individual as to whether their partners intelligence is of importance!


 
Very well said  I know some couples who are struggling because of this issue. Men sometimes get insecure when their wife have higher salary. I guess it's because it's a guys ego or notion that since they're the head of the family, they should be the one earning more. For me it's not really an issue. As long as you talk and work it out. Be honest to each other.
Gracias!


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## Tiger-Lilly

Exactly Merlin! The way I see it is we are choosing to live our lives together so why should intelligence matter? I fell in love with him, not his IQ!! It doesn't matter who earns the most money, the important thing is that there's more for us to spend!


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## nmcil

More important for any relationship is respect for the other - perhaps, as one post stated, sensitivity to the other.  My first husband was one of the naturally gifted, but not so great on the sensitivity.  Respect for "the other" can not always be part of how we interact with other people, but it is certainly a vital part of any strong and powerful relationship.


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## phlegyas

ortiza said:
			
		

> I just can't help to wonder if it is possible for two people to sustain their union without feeding each other's brains.
> 
> Is it really possible to make it as a HAPPY couple in spite of a vast intellectual disparity?


 
Hi, ortiza.

Yes, it is quite possible. It is then going to be a symbiotic relationship, where one gives and the other takes.

This is not only mainly found in romance. It happens in friendships, as well. Take for example, Timon and Pumbaa. Timon is the smarter one (or probably it is more appropriate to describe him as more confident and more clever) and Pumbaa, while not exactly dumb, is the meek one. (sidebar: In fact, if one would observe more intently, Pumbaa seems to be smarter, and has a clearer perception of things. Take one scene from The Lion King. When Simba was lying dead beat from running across the scorching desert, Pumbaa suggested that they take care of the cub ("He's so cute and all alone..."). Timon hesitated (quite aggresively) and ranted about the effects of taking care of a lion. Timon concluded that the lion will grow big someday and would eat them. Pumbaa seconded the fact that the lion will grow big, however he stressed that the lion would then be on their side. Timon, realizing the full impact of these words gave in to the suggestion, and, in the end, he actually took credit for the apparently wise(r) decision.)

In this relationship, one's smartness is directly proportional to the other's, well, lack thereof. Therefore, they complement one another. In the words of that Tom Cruise character, Jerry Maguire, "You complete me."


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## solecito

*Reffering to this matter of intelligence, I'm considered by my friends as intelligent, smart, and smart ass too, too smart for my own good,  so they say. Never been to college, my work has nothing to do with arts or math, or physics, but fashion yes!!
 For years I have ask every male I have encountered,(friends and guys on the net) if they rather have a smart girl or a beautifull one?, guess the answers, nobody out of about 75 males I have asked (mostly mexicans) ever said "smart" surprised? I'm not, I really just asked because I like to know stuff, more than once guy-friends have told me to play dumb, of course I refuse, it's insulting !! 

Men are atracted by the looks, but run away when they feel threatened, by the mind.

I have tought my son this:
" Son when you choose the woman you will marry, always remember, marry a smart girl, don't go for the great looking one just because she has great legs"
" Why not?" (always needs more input, has my curiosity)
" Let me put it this way, who would you rather have as a partner to raise your children, a dumb woman? or a smart one" case closed.

Now notice I use "smart" not intelligent, for me there is a diference, I have the memory of a chicken, did not go to college, don't have any kind of degree,and I'm dislexic ,don't know much about art, or even politics but yet my friends say I'm smart, I do not feel threatened by smart people at all, I have a couple of friends  so call  intellectuals not very smart, unable to see the whole picture, unable to see beyond their little world sorrounded by paintings and books, unable to get in touch with their true feelings and unable to get close to their love ones or get friends because they consider them beneath them. Not to mention they are terrible are romantic matters.

They find the are unable to go out sometimes because their "regular" friends have no idea there was an international week at the movie theather, and have no intentions to see a movie in french or italian, even if the intellectual friend pays.

" Smart"  is to find a balance in life, "smart" is to be humble and to learn from the ones who have graduated from life, "smart" is to be able to love above the IQ's difference, "smart" is to be intelligent enough not to hurt peoples feelings because they have never been to a museum,"smart" is to use your 10% to have a happy life and enjoy the simple things in life, you don't need to much of a brain to do that.
 If you ask me what do I want in a guy, I want him to be smart, to be able to deal with everyday situations with "coolness" and see me as an equal, but to admire my great legs too!
*





			
				LadyBlakeney said:
			
		

> I have observed a couple of good examples of it, and it worked beautifully, although there was a flaw: in all the happy couples, the man was the smartest one. In fact, a friend of mine who is an "exceptionally gifted person" (superdotado) seemed to be destined to bachelorhood, and now he is happy as a man can be with a girl who's a love but a little... slow.
> 
> Recently I read a newspaper article quoting a survey that showed women with a high IQ have more problems to get married...
> 
> I'm no genius, but I am seriously considering to start playing the fool...


 *Try it , but you will not be able to do it for long!!! Your tongue will give you up !! I bet you !! 

 And maybe the guy is more intelligent than the girl but I bet she is the smart one most of the time.*


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## odelotj

Very well put Solecito! loved your post. I've dated both, attractive men who were dumb - not just books, or art, but narrowminded and short-sighted.

I'm dating a guy now who is not intelligent, I tend to know more about all the topics we discuss, not always though, he's thrown me some curve balls. He is smart however.  I dont belittle him at not knowing the things I know, he is interested in similar things, and even if not at first, he tries it anyway, and has been pleasantly surprised at some of the foods and culture I've exposed him to. That's sort of the point, he tries, you know what I mean? He's not closed to everything, I tell him, you can be as intelligent as I am any time you like, pick up enough books, become a little more nosey, anyone can learn these things. It's about communicating properly and respecting one another. That person you date has had a lifetime of experiences that have molded him/her to be of the mindset that they are, who's to say yours have been better; who's to say being in the same situation you had been while growing up, it might not be the other way around? Dating, I take it back, interpersonal relationships in general, are such a fine balance.


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