# Is this a conditional joke?



## .   1

G'day Cultur@s,
I would like to know what type of joke the following is.  It is not a pun but it is sort of close.
A bloke walked into a clothes shop and the employee said, "If you need anything, my name is Amy" and he thought, "Wow.  This is the first time that I have ever met a woman with a conditional identity.  I wonder what her name is if I don't need anything?".

.,,


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## cuchuflete

A bloke walked into a restaurant.  The hostess seated him and said, "Your waiter will be with you shortly. That would be Oscar."

Yet another conditional staff member? Or...an aspiring waiter?


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## maxiogee

Or the comedian who is finishing his gig and says "If you liked the show, tell your friends - my name is Dara O'Briain. If you didn't like the show, tell your friends - my name is Ed Byrne!"


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## Paulfromitaly

A grammar-wise pun?  (cheap humor, anyway..)


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## cuchuflete

Are they grammar jokes?

*~Don't you know the Queen's English?



*
*          ~Why, yes, I'd heard she was.*

​


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## Paulfromitaly

cuchuflete said:


> Are they grammar jokes?
> 
> *~Don't you know the Queen's English?
> 
> *
> *          ~Why, yes, I'd heard she was.*
> 
> ​



Amy is a woman with a *conditional* identity..
It'd have been better if she had said "if you needed anything, my name *would be* Amy"


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## cuchuflete

Mutton is the special of the night, Sir.  Were you to wish to order seconds of that, my name would be Dolly.


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## Venezuelan_sweetie

Gosh, this is a funny thread.

May you have any comments after this post, I would be available through PMs


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## .   1

Paulfromitaly said:


> Amy is a woman with a *conditional* identity..
> It'd have been better if she had said "if you needed anything, my name *would be* Amy"


To try to maintain the impression of the consideration of the possibility some form of discussion even remotely approaching the building beside the the one containing the room within which is taking place a debate about linguistics.
Is there any difference in meaning between
If you need anything, my name would be Amy?
If you need anything, my name is Amy?

.,,


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## Paulfromitaly

. said:


> Is there any difference in meaning between
> If you need anything, my name would be Amy?
> If you need anything, my name is Amy?
> 
> .,,



Don't ask me, you're the English native speaker here...


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## maxiogee

cuchuflete said:


> Mutton is the special of the night, Sir.  Were you to wish to order seconds of that, my name would be Dolly.



… and if I'm busy, my associate is over there - her name would be Dolly, also.
If you pay a wait-person called Dolly with a credit card, don't be surprised if it gets cloned.


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## Mate

. said:


> To try to maintain the impression of the consideration of the possibility some form of discussion even remotely approaching the building beside the the one containing the room within which is taking place a debate about linguistics.
> Is there any difference in meaning between
> If you need anything, my name would be Amy?
> If you need anything, my name is Amy?
> 
> .,,


I can see no difference regarding meaning but the last one (blue) makes the joke a joke.


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## Mate

cuchuflete said:


> Mutton is the special of the night, Sir. Were you to wish to order seconds of that, my name would be Dolly.


That joke is Sheepscott's favorite, isn't it?


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## Setwale_Charm

There surely must exist certain classification of these jokes. Cuchuflete`s one rather seems to be the linguistic pun type, like:

Mechanic at the garage: Mr. Jones, your battery`s flat.
Jones: Dear me! What shape should it be?


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## judkinsc

For clarity: the protasis is the part of a conditional sentence before the comma, the "if" clause, and the apodosis is the part after comma, the "then" clause.

This usage is fairly common, but the true apodosis of the conditional statement has been dropped and replaced by the independent statement "my name is Amy." The error is rather in a gapped apodosis and a comma splice than it is in a faulty conditional statement. Grammatically, it would read more appropriately as: "if you need anything, [then don't hesitate to call on me.] My name is Amy."

When someone is adhering to that old aphorism of "brevity is the soul of wit," however, sentences become fragmentary.


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## fenixpollo

cuchuflete said:


> -- Don't you know the Queen's English?
> -- Why, yes, I'd heard she was.


 Reminds me of the classic scene from Top Secret! (paraphrased):
-- Does anyone here speak German?
-- I know a little German. He's sitting over there (points to small man from Germany).


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## Setwale_Charm

fenixpollo said:


> Reminds me of the classic scene from Top Secret! (paraphrased):
> -- Does anyone here speak German?
> -- I know a little German. He's sitting over there (points to small man from Germany).


 
Well, this somehow does not "rhyme"??? (Or am I being thick?


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## cuchuflete

My favorite conditional joke:

British journalist: Tell us, Mr Gandhi, what you think of Western civilisation.






Mahatma Gandhi:  Ahhhh, that would be a very good idea.


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## Setwale_Charm

cuchuflete said:


> My favorite conditional joke:
> 
> British journalist: Tell us, Mr Gandhi, what you think of Western civilisation.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Mahatma Gandhi: Ahhhh, that would be a very good idea.


 
    

 Here is another one on homonyms:
 -Why did the teacher have to wear glasses?
 - Because his students were so bright!!!


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## Setwale_Charm

However, the weirdest language pun I have heard was this:

"Think of words that end in GRY. Angry and hungry are two of them. There are only three words in the English language. What is the third word? The word is something that everyone uses every day. If you have listened carefully, I have already told you what it is."


 One does tumble in the end that "language" is the third word but it is really for the "warped-minded".


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## .   1

Setwale_Charm said:


> However, the weirdest language pun I have heard was this:
> 
> "Think of words that end in GRY. Angry and hungry are two of them. There are only three words in the English language. What is the third word? The word is something that everyone uses every day. If you have listened carefully, I have already told you what it is."
> 
> 
> One does tumble in the end that "language" is the third word but it is really for the "warped-minded".


That is very good.

.,,


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## fenixpollo

Setwale_Charm said:


> Well, this somehow does not "rhyme"??? (Or am I being thick?


 My quote from Top Secret does not rhyme, nor do most of the other "jokes" in this thread. It's what I would call a play on words.  It's hard to understand in print, because it's a visual joke in which the woman motions to a German man, who is a little person -- when we assume she was going to say that she knows (= speaks) some (a little) of the German language.


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## Setwale_Charm

But then, the question should be: Does anyone here speak *a little* German??

 Oh, OK, I am getting confused and muddled


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## fenixpollo

Setwale Charm, do you speak Russian?
(your answer) Yes, I speak a little Russian. (or) I know a little Russian.

Getting there?


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## Setwale_Charm

Yep  But you must admit, the humour in this joke is rather...subtle. Just like in the one about the "third word".


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## cuchuflete

Maybe this will be a little easier for S-C's mindset.

Scene:Late August, 1968. An Austrian farmhouse near the Czech border.
Russian troops have entered Prague, putting an end to the fling with freedom led by Svoboda and Dubcek. (Prague Spring)

A Czechoslovak midget, out of breath from running, knocks on the farmhouse door.  The farmer opens the door.  The refugee pleads, "Can you cache a small Czech, please?"








People who try to sanitize jokes to make them pullet-ickly keerect should be plucked


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## fenixpollo

Just a slight correction, cuchu. 





cuchuflete said:


> A Czechoslovak midget little person, out of breath from running, knocks on the farmhouse door.  The farmer opens the door.  The refugee pleads, "Can you cache a small Czech, please?"


  "Check"... I get it.  Ha, ha.


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## Setwale_Charm

Ok,OK, this is clear!! What I meant is that the "humourousness" of those jokes may be debatable, depending on different people`s notion of what is funny. This sort of jokes are about flexibility of thinking rather than fun.


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## danielfranco

Some more examples?
Groucho Marx
I suppose the pedestrian equivalent in modern media would be a sitcom, where the "funny" depends completely on the equivocal situation. I mean, if such situations were to happen to _*you*_ on any given day, they'd probably make you cry...
Instead, this word-play jokes are funny because they depend on the use of lateral logic, and so the punch line is the unexpected tangential remark.
I think that this is why it is difficult for foreigners to understand American humor, because it's punch-lines and one-liners often depend on the unexpected perspective.
(When I first came to the USA I had lots of trouble figuring out what was "funny" about stand-up comedy.)


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## Etcetera

. said:


> G'day Cultur@s,
> I would like to know what type of joke the following is. It is not a pun but it is sort of close.
> A bloke walked into a clothes shop and the employee said, "If you need anything, my name is Amy" and he thought, "Wow. This is the first time that I have ever met a woman with a conditional identity. I wonder what her name is if I don't need anything?".
> 
> .,,


I happened to hear sentences like that once or twice. In Russian, of course. They sounded equally funny and they actually made me smile!
I don't think that most people think about what additional meaning such sentences may have. Being a philologist, I am very consious about people's speech, but we can't possibly make everyone to pay attention to what they're saying. 
In my view, such sentences are merely figures of speech. Funny and laughable at, but still figures of speech.


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## .   1

G'day Anna,
I think that you may be on to something.
The jokes seem to be a lateral combination of double entendre and pun.

Robert


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## KaRiNe_Fr

For dumb French people like me, it's hard to understand all the puns... 
I've heard this one this evening (heard into "I'm sorry I haven't a clue" show on BBC 4 -- thanks to LV thread!) which is a sort of fake definition. I didn't understand and didn't remember all of them either, but only few.  Here is one.
_Psychological: something that makes sense on a bike.

_ Edit: I can't help quoting this one too... 
_Sanctity: multiple breasted french woman._


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## .   1

B'Jour Karine,
I get the cyclelogical but the only thing that I can think of with the French one is the French way of saying 'thanks'. What am I missing?

Robert


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## fenixpollo

Did you want help on these, Karine? Or do you understand them?

Here's a clue for the others who are having trouble: 
psychological sounds like "cycle - logical"; bike = bicycle
"sanc" sounds like the number 5 in French; titty = slang for breast


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## .   1

Thanks Fenix,
Boy do I feel dumb.  I know enough high school French to have seen that one.

Robert


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## KaRiNe_Fr

fenixpollo said:


> Did you want help on these, Karine? Or do you understand them?
> [...]


No thanks Fenix. They are part of the ones I've understood as I could have written them. 
But as you offer help, here is one I'm unsure I got -- and I even don't know if it's properly written!:
_Sorry: too much fruits in your diet!

_Edit: here is the link to listen to this show.


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## .   1

RE: Too much fruits in your diet.

This could be
'too many fruits in your diet'
This is a veiled accusation of promiscuous homosexuality.
'Too many fruits' refers to a multitude of 'fruits' a slightly demeaning reference to a gay man and 'in your diet' is a play on words with 'eating' or performing fellatio.
Therefore it means to engage in oral sex with a multitude of homosexual partners.

.,,


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## KaRiNe_Fr

. said:


> RE: Too much fruits in your diet.
> 
> This could be
> 'too many fruits in your diet'
> This is a veiled accusation of promiscuous homosexuality.
> [...]


Oops! I really didn't get this one at all as I didn't know anything about the fruits things!
And worst: I still didn't get it... What about "sorry"? 
 (I hear you, thinking "really dumb!" -- yes, I can hear you thinking!  )


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## jinti

Here are a few more from the internet:

1. *coffee*: the person upon whom one coughs.

2. *flabbergasted*: appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. *esplanade*: to attempt an explanation while drunk.

4. *willy-nilly*: impotent.


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## cuchuflete

Mod note: If it's note a conditional joke, or one that plays with grammar, however loosely defined, please park it in the Jokes thread.


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## .   1

cuchuflete said:


> Mod note: If it's note a conditional joke, or one that plays with grammar, however loosely defined, please park it in the Jokes thread.


I note your note and note that note non conditional joke applies.

.,,


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## maxiogee

KaRiNe_Fr said:


> (I hear you, thinking "really dumb!" -- yes, I can hear you thinking!  )



If someone can hear me thinking, does it means my thinking is sound?


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## KaRiNe_Fr

maxiogee said:


> If someone can hear me thinking, does it means my thinking is sound?


Of course, but I don't know if it does sound right...


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## cuchuflete

maxiogee said:


> If someone can hear me thinking, does it means my thinking is sound?


Would that you were supersonic!


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## cuchuflete

. said:


> I note your note and note that note non conditional joke applies.
> 
> .,,


You have plu-perfectly captured the spirit of the not, and I unconditionally agree with you.


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## Setwale_Charm

Thanks for being so patient with me, cuchuflete and fenixpollo! 


We can elaborate further on what "being dumb" means.


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## ayed

In Arabic , we have some of these types of pun or joke.

Ibn Omran's(son of Omran) daughter, what is her father name


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## frone

Setwale_Charm said:


> However, the weirdest language pun I have heard was this:
> 
> "Think of words that end in GRY. Angry and hungry are two of them. There are only three words in the English language. What is the third word? The word is something that everyone uses every day. If you have listened carefully, I have already told you what it is."
> 
> 
> One does tumble in the end that "language" is the third word but it is really for the "warped-minded".



Hi all, this is an interesting thread indeed 
But I don't get this joke...would somebody explain to me please?
(I want to understand it so badly )

Many thanks!


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## maxiogee

frone said:


> Hi all, this is an interesting thread indeed
> But I don't get this joke...would somebody explain to me please?
> (I want to understand it so badly )
> 
> Many thanks!



Count the words ....
The English language
.1......2..........3


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## Venezuelan_sweetie

maxiogee said:


> Count the words ....
> The English language
> .1......2..........3


 
There are quite a few Spanish-based ellaborate jokes in that sense, too.  Maybe we should open a thread on that.

(No, I don't mean the "_*jokes thread*_", but one on nothing but wordplays, or jokes that play on grammar, or something like that..)


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## .   1

frone said:


> Hi all, this is an interesting thread indeed
> But I don't get this joke...would somebody explain to me please?
> (I want to understand it so badly )
> 
> Many thanks!


You already understand it so badly  but I will try to make you understand it well.
The jole leads you off on a tangent by pretending to be discussing the three words in 'the English language' that end in gry but the riddle that it actually poses is that there are only three words in 'the English language' and asks what is the third word in 'the English language'.  The phrase 'the English language' has only three words and the third word is 'language'.

This could be described as a _non-sequitur _joke.  Two unrelated statements linked together.

.,,


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## maxiogee

. said:


> You already understand it so badly  but I will try to make you understand it well.
> The joke leads you off on a tangent by pretending to be discussing (the three) words in 'the English language' that end in gry



The 'riddle' never mentions how many words end in ~gry, it only says that angry and hungry are two of some uncounted "them".


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## .   1

maxiogee said:


> The 'riddle' never mentions how many words end in ~gry, it only says that angry and hungry are two of some uncounted "them".


There will be an extra serve of raspberry and rhubarb pudding as a reward. .
I can't believe that I fell for part of the joke as I was deconstructing it.

Robert


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## maxiogee

Is "Fear of Flying" a Spoonerism?


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## caballoschica

I finally got the angry/hungry joke.  Man, am I slow!


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## danielfranco

What joke? I'm still looking in the dictionary....


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## frone

. said:


> There will be an extra serve of raspberry and rhubarb pudding as a reward. .
> I can't believe that I fell for part of the joke as I was deconstructing it.
> 
> Robert



Maxiogee and .,,
Thank you


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