# Personal questions



## scotu

Someone asked in another forum: How do you say, "What do you do for a living?"

It occurred to me that I have never heard this question from a Mexican but an Anglo will inevitably ask this within five minutes of meeting someone, right after "Where are you from?".
On the other hand a Mexican doesn't hesitate to ask someone how old they are, but an Anglo thinks this question is very rude.

Do you think it's rude to ask a person you have just met a personal question?


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## Dawei

scotu said:


> Is there a cultural difference here?



Well yeah. In some cultures (eg, China) it is even considered normal to ask questions like "how much money do you make," "why did you get divorced," even "why are you so fat"...or at least that's what I've heard, maybe a native can confirm it.


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## paquijote

Yes, I try to avoid such personal questions upon having met someone only a few minutes before.  However, asking someone where they work has never seemed an incredibly personal question to me, whereas asking them their age does.  So in that aspect, I think that you are right, and there lies an affect due to cultural differences.


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## Etcetera

Hi Scotu.
There was a thread Discussing wages where we touched upon the question of whether it's appropriate to ask someone about their salary. You might find this thread of interest.
As for personal questions (about one's age, one's nationality, etc), I usually simply don't bother about it. And most people here wouldn't ask such questions, at least after a few minutes' talk.


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## alexacohen

Hello Scotu:
Here it would depend very much on the situation.
But never, never ask a woman who is (or looks) more than 30 how old she is.
That would exceedingly rude no matter the situation.
Alexa


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## Poetic Device

I think it depends on the situation and what sort of a relationship you are looking for.  If it is a business deal or something along those lines Then of course most personal questions are not acceptible.  However, if you are looking at a potential friend (or perhaps more) then I do believe that personal questions are all right.  How else are you going to get to know the person?  How else would you be able to see if they would be an asset to your life?  Not only that, but they do always have the option of politely not answering if they chose.


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## juliet_shao

> Well yeah. In some cultures (eg, China) it is even considered normal to ask questions like "how much money do you make," "why did you get divorced," even "why are you so fat"...or at least that's what I've heard, maybe a native can confirm it.


 
err... not really. actually the direct opposite.


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## Poetic Device

How in the world is someone asking a question about a person's weight considered polite in ANY culture?  Especially if it is phrased like that!!!


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## Vanda

For Brazilians it is very natural to ask personal questions: where are you from, what do you do, (if it is not an older woman) how old are you, and things like that. We don't think it is rude, we think this is showing interest for the person we are getting acquainted. 
I remember when the first foreigners (in this particular case: North Americans) began to come to my town, they used to get mad at these questions as an invasion of their privacy. In those time - errr, I won't say how far in time that was,hehe) people didn't have access to other cultures by TV, internet and things like that and the knowledge we had about other people were those we experienced from the ones that appeared at our places. It took time for those earlier foreigners to understand that behavior was a trait of us and that all we meant was to show interest and friendship for them.


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## faranji

Most frequent first or second questions I've been asked in different countries:

United States: _What do you do for a living?_

Brazil: _Cê é argentino, né? (You're Argentinian, aren't you?)_

Arab countries: _Inta muslim au masihi? (Are you muslim or christian?)_

Morocco: _Inta muslim au masihi? Hasheesh?_

India: _Which country? Where's your wife? Any issue? _(meaning any sons or daughters)

Indonesia: _Mau ke mana, Mister?_ (_Where're you going_?; This is constantly asked by strangers everywhere in the archipielago, pretty puzzling at first.)

Ethiopia: _Why do you dance so bad?_


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## jinti

I guess it all depends on your cultural definition of personal. To me, what someone does for a living is public information, so it's a good way to make conversation and to find some common ground without invading anyone's privacy. 

However, where I live there are many, many people from other cultures. Nobody has asked me yet why I dance worse than Faranji , but I'm sure it's only a matter of time. I do routinely get asked other questions which, based on my culture, I consider too personal:

1. How old are you? _(Old enough to have stopped answering that question.)_
2. Do you have children? No? Why not? _(Do you really expect me to explain to a stranger what has kept me from having children???)_
3. Follow-up question to #2: Don't you like children? We like children in my country. _(Time to roll my eyes and excuse myself from the conversation.)_
4. How much is your rent? _(It doesn't matter; you can't have my apartment.)_
5. How much money do you make? _(Enough. And when you offer to pay my taxes, you can have the rest of my salary information.)_

And my personal favorite, from my next-door neighbor: 

I have been reading about Alexander Hamilton...I like political science... What religion are you?_ confused: What does Alexander Hamilton have to do with my religion, which, by the way, I'm not discussing with you?)_


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## scotu

jinti said:


> I guess it all depends on your cultural definition of personal. To me, what someone does for a living is public information, so it's a good way to make conversation and to find some common ground without invading anyone's privacy.


 
Public information? What if the person is unemployed, disabled, a burglar,  a prostitute or just lives off his families wealth? Wouldn't that then be an invasion of privacy?


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## Etcetera

scotu said:


> Public information? What if the person is unemployed, disabled, a burglar,  a prostitute or just lives off his families wealth? Wouldn't that then be an invasion of privacy?


Even if the person has a good permanent job, I still can understand if they aren't willing to discuss their professional life with strangers or new aquaitances. I, personally, wouldn't like it if a new aquaitance would ask me a lot of questions, even if they're pretty general (like, what kind of music I enjoy, when I went to cinema last time, and so on).


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## Terry Morti

I was taught that it was rude to ask what people did for a living (especially women), because it made the assumption that you thought they _had_ to go out to work. Even with men it was more polite to ask "what sort of line are you in?" In this form you are not connecting the query with filthy lucre. But really all references to their job are best avoided unless they volunteer something in which case you can follow it up in the conversation.


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## TrentinaNE

scotu said:


> Public information? What if the person is unemployed, disabled, a burglar, a prostitute or just lives off his families wealth? Wouldn't that then be an invasion of privacy?


Just because a question is asked doesn't mean it has to be answered. People really need to develop better deflecting mechanisms such as responding "Why do you ask?" and then taking the conversation away from whatever they don't wish to discuss.


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## Glamdoll

here in Argentina it's fine to ask the age, its as normal as to ask the name haha. 
asking how much a person earns at work or why got divorced, or why is fat may be kinda unconfortable... but the person decided wether to reply or not. A fat person could reply ''oh well, my problem is... '' or ''hmm id prefer not to talk about it haha '' but never reply in a rude way, u know.


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## jinti

scotu said:


> Public information? What if the person is unemployed, disabled, a burglar, a prostitute or just lives off his families wealth? Wouldn't that then be an invasion of privacy?


Well...:
When you're unemployed, you typically just mention your field or your last line of work or what you're looking for, or just say you're not working right now.  If you're looking for a job, it can also be a good way of networking.

If you're disabled, that doesn't mean you're necessarily unemployed.  I know many, many employed people with disabilities, myself included.  

I think anyone illegally employed probably has a stock answer that won't send them to prison.   I'm not going to avoid what is a common get-acquainted question in this country just in case I'm speaking to a career criminal.  

And if you live off your family's wealth, well, you and I are running in different circles, anyway, so I doubt I'd ever have the chance to even ask you.  


You may disagree with my reasoning on this or my previous post, but I don't think it's _culturally_ out of line.


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## scotu

jinti said:


> You may disagree with my reasoning on this or my previous post, but I don't think it's _culturally_ out of line.


 
Maybe not culturally out of line for your culture, but in some other cultures, when you know a person well enough to have the right to ask a personal question, you don't need to ask it, because you know the person well enough to know the answer.


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## Glamdoll

^ haha good point.
If you ask the person how old is she/ he, what does she/he do for a living, etc.. its a way of having a nice conversation or showing interest in the person.


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## Etcetera

scotu said:


> Maybe not culturally out of line for your culture, but in some other cultures, when you know a person well enough to have the right to ask a personal question, you don't need to ask it, because you know the person well enough to know the answer.


Well said!
By the way, it's pretty common here to get the person's permission to ask some personal question. It goes like the following:
- Oh, and may I ask some very personal question?
- Yes, please.
- How much money are they going to pay you? (If you're talking about a new job your friend's just got).


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## scotu

Glamdoll said:


> ^ haha good point.
> if u ask the person how old is she/ he *is*, what does she/he do for a living, etc.. its a way of having a nice conversation or showing interest in the person.


 
Is it a "nice conversation" or an interrogration?


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## Kajjo

scotu said:


> Someone asked in another forum: How do you say, "What do you do for a living?"


I regard this question as absolutely OK. It is a good starter for small talk if in appropriate conditions. I believe the occupation is something public and of general interest. It can tell a lot about people and can give rise to valuable topics to talk about.



> It occurred to me that I have never heard this question from a Mexican but an Anglo will inevitably ask this within five minutes of meeting someone, right after "Where are you from?".


This is a proper question, too, in my opinion.


> On the other hand a Mexican doesn't hesitate to ask someone how old they are, but an Anglo thinks this question is very rude.


The same in Germany. You should never ask questions about wages, income, age. Religion and politics are somewhat OK, but this depends on the situation.

Kajjo


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## ireney

Ditto for Greece although asking about age is not considered extremely rude; just a not so polite question (and it always depends on who's doing the asking etc)


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## scotu

An observation: In this forum and in this thread we have had a good conversation. We have not needed (even if we were permitted by forum rules) to ask any personal information about another contributor to the thread, yet in the course of the thread, we have discovered some personal things about each other without asking any personal questions. edit: And, those contributions are valued even though we don't know what you do for a living or how old (most of) you are.


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## Calamitintin

About the age:
In China, I was quite surprised when a girl asked me my age whispering. I'm young enough (and don't look older ) not to mind. So I asked her why she whispered. She showed my (male) neighboor (barely older than me by the way) and looked very surprised too that I don't understand her whisper .
About money:
Another thing, still in China: when I left, my firends offered me a gift, and clearly above the gift was the price. We never leave the price on a gift in France. And as my French coach also gave me sth, my friend asked him: "How much did you pay it? -Well, I can't tell, it's a gift, you don't say the price of a gift. -Why????"
I love China .
++
Cal


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## tvdxer

scotu said:


> Someone asked in another forum: How do you say, "What do you do for a living?"
> 
> It occurred to me that I have never heard this question from a Mexican but an Anglo will inevitably ask this within five minutes of meeting someone, right after "Where are you from?".
> On the other hand a Mexican doesn't hesitate to ask someone how old they are, but an Anglo thinks this question is very rude.
> 
> Do you think it's rude to ask a person you have just met a personal question?



As a 20-year-old, I wouldn't be offended if somebody asked my age.  If I was 50, I might feel differently, but still, it wouldn't be a big deal - for me.  For others, yes.

However, I've never heard of anybody around here thinking that one's occupation or hometown is private information, except if that person is in the Mafia or deals drugs.

A really offensive question, probably in almost any culture, would be "How much do you weigh?  You look real heavy."


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## Vanda

> A really offensive question, probably in almost any culture, would be "How much do you weigh? You look real heavy."


 
Not really, if we are a bunch of women discussing diet. 
​


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## TrentinaNE

Please remember this guidance from the CD sticky thread:


> *A good Cultural Discussions thread:
> 
> *...
> - asks for and expects distinct national and cultural viewpoints, not personal opinions and ideas;​


Thanks.

Elisabetta


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## TraductoraPobleSec

alexacohen said:


> Hello Scotu:
> Here it would depend very much on the situation.
> But never, never ask a woman who is (or looks) more than 30 how old she is.
> That would exceedingly rude no matter the situation.
> Alexa


 
Hi everyone!

Did you refer to Spain when you said that, Alexa? I am over thirty and do not mind at all when someone asks me how old I am (maybe because I look quite young, ha ha )

However, I hate it when people ask me about my marital status and I answer and then they want to know why I'm single. Most of my single friends get very annoyed with this question as well, so I take it's a general feeling among our "widespread community" .

Bye for now, guys, y un besito, Alexa


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## alexacohen

TraductoraPobleSec said:


> Hi everyone!
> 
> Did you refer to Spain when you said that, Alexa? I am over thirty and do not mind at all when someone asks me how old I am (maybe because I look quite young, ha ha )


Yes I did, Tradu. 
I was referring specifically to women who were thirty five when I was twenty five, and that are still thirty five now that I am thirty five.
They will not like any question about their age, and the person who asks will not hear the truth when they answer.

I don't think this is peculiar of Spanish women, though.

"To my own knowledge she has been thirty-five ever since she arrived at the age of forty, which was many years ago now".

Lady Bracknell speaking about Lady Dumbleton.
Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest .
Petons para tí también, Tradu.
Alexa


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## cuchuflete

I remember well the first time someone asked me what I did, with an obvious interest in laying the groundwork to boast about what _he_ did.  I answered that I was a father of two fine young sons, and that I liked to hybridize flowers in my spare time.  The anger that showed in his face made clear that I wasn't playing by the expected rules of career comparisons.  Most Americans I know ask about one's job with no malice or hidden agenda.  They are just curious, or use this as a way to start a conversation. I suppose that they assume a person will be glad to say something about his or her chosen line of work.

"Where are you from?" is another common question.  Given the mobility of the population, that's also not considered personal prying.

I don't recall hearing people ask about age or weight or sexual preference.  It's also not common to ask about
hereditary illness.  Among the things people do ask are opinions about government and political leaders, but the questions are usually phrased as condemnations, with a request for agreement:  "Aren't you just sick to death of __________ and his/her damned ___________ position?!"

So, we are a strange lot who want to know one another's political views, occupation, place of birth, but are afraid to offend by inquiring about such obvious things as weight and age.  People I know generally do not ask
what one's religious leanings, if any, may be, but there are parts of the country where I've been told this is a 
routine question.


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## scotu

> cuchuflete said:
> 
> 
> 
> we are a strange lot who want to know one another's political views, occupation, place of birth, but are afraid to offend by inquiring about such obvious things as weight and age. quote]
> 
> 
> 
> Herein, perhaps, lies a cultural difference between Mexicans and Anglos, Mexicans are comfortable with the obvious realities (things like age and weight) and therefore are comfortable talking about them. We Anglos like to think that we are less old or less fat than we really are so we don't want to talk about them because we don't want our illusions shattered. (please forgive the broad generalities)
Click to expand...


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## KaRiNe_Fr

Etcetera said:


> [...]
> - Oh, and may I ask some very personal question?
> - Yes, please.
> - How much money are they going to pay you? [...]


And what if the answer is "No, thanks"? 
Do you have the right to refuse to answer a personal question without being considered a rude guy?


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## elroy

faranji said:


> Arab countries: _Inta muslim willa masihi? (Are you muslim or christian?) (Correction based on my dialect)_


 Yes, this is a routine question in the Arab world.

Another common question is "What is your last name?" (that is, among Arabs; I doubt foreigners get asked this question too often).


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## LaReinita

Yes, I have to agree that asking what someone does for a living doesn't seem to be a rude question, in my opinion.  Many people have educations that they are proud of, (with student loans that are still paying off ) and like to talk about their line of work.  For many, this is what THEY DO, what they have passion for and of course they are happy to speak about it.


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## cuchuflete

scotu said:


> Herein, perhaps, lies a cultural difference between Mexicans and Anglos, Mexicans are comfortable with the obvious realities (things like age and weight) and therefore are comfortable talking about them. We Anglos like to think that we are less old or less fat than we really are so we don't want to talk about them because we don't want our illusions shattered. (please forgive the broad generalities)
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I won't argue the substance of your post, but the nomenclature needs help.  You may wish to think of yourself and call yourself an "Anglo", but the term is far from accurate for millions of US citizens,
> including the thirty million or so who are Spanish speakers.
> 
> That's not entirely off-topic.  It is extremely frequent to have one American ask another what their
> "national background" is.  By this they mean the country or countries of origin of a person's ancestors before coming to the US.  That foolishness may disappear over the next few generations, as more and more people come to share ancestry from a long list of countries.
Click to expand...


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## LaReinita

cuchuflete said:


> scotu said:
> 
> 
> 
> That's not entirely off-topic. It is extremely frequent to have one American ask another what their
> "national background" is. By this they mean the country or countries of origin of a person's ancestors before coming to the US. That foolishness may disappear over the next few generations, as more and more people come to share ancestry from a long list of countries.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I'm not sure that will end at all.  The US is THE MELTING POT country of the world.  We have citizens from ALL OVER the world, and new citizens continue to arrive.  You can never look directly at someone and guess where they are from.
Click to expand...


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## scotu

cuchuflete said:


> You may wish to think of yourself and call yourself an "Anglo", but the term is far from accurate for millions of US citizens,
> including the thirty million or so who are Spanish speakers.


 
I think I was referring to myself (you'll note I used the words "we anglos") By that I meant "a white American of non-Hispanic descent, as distinguished esp. from an American of Mexican or Spanish descent" 
http://www.infoplease.com/dictionary/Anglo
I think maybe the the thirty million or so who are Spanish speakers quite possibly have the same cultural bent as that which I described for "Mexicans"

What would you suggest that I should have used as preferred nomenclature?


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## Musical Chairs

To me, it depends on the social context.

My friends and I don't have any trouble discussing how much we weigh if it comes up in one of our conversations, but this isn't something I'd ask someone I just met. A lot of people my age don't really care, they mention their weight (maybe they lie though) without anyone even asking them. I personally don't care because I like my weight.

I don't mind telling people how old I am, but I'm still pretty young. I think this is only an issue because people think, "what does it matter?" I also get the feeling that it's bad if you're older than you look, but it also surprises people if you're a lot younger than you look too (plastic surgery maybe?). Anyway, it is considered a rude question to ask (for) older people but I know how old many of my teachers are and they didn't seem to care when they told us.

Some people my age discussed their parents' financial situations when we applied for college and financial aid and had no problem with it, but this isn't something I want everyone to know. On the other hand, when my friends and I discuss our jobs (babysitting, internships, etc), we talk about how much we get paid and it's not a problem (mostly because a lot of us want to make money and want to know about better opportunities). I guess it's because for people our age, it's not about competition like it is for people who have already graduated from college, gotten married, etc.


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## Etcetera

KaRiNe_Fr said:


> And what if the answer is "No, thanks"?
> Do you have the right to refuse to answer a personal question without being considered a rude guy?


You know, in such conversations you can always guess what your friend wants to ask about, because it's usually connected with the topic of the conversation. 
So, if you guess you would hardly feel like answering the question your friend is most probably going to ask, you can say: "Well, you know, you'd better not ask me about it... now". Or "Sorry, I don't feel like answering". 
I refused asking personal questions this way several times, and my friends didn't get offended at all. After all, they asked me if they could ask me that question.


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## KaRiNe_Fr

Etcetera said:


> [...] I refused asking personal questions this way several times, and my friends didn't get offended at all. After all, they asked me if they could ask me that question.


So this is a real question, not a rhetorical one in your country too. 
I asked because I answered once I don't want someone ask me a personal question, and I felt this person was very surprised and offended I could answer no... (this person was from US).


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## scotu

KaRiNe_Fr said:


> So this is a real question, not a rhetorical one in your country too.
> I asked because I answered once I don't want someone ask me a personal question, and I felt this person was very surprised and offended I could answer no... (this person was from US).


A good answer to this question is: "of course you can, when you know me better."


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## ireney

Moderator's note: Please reply to the original question asked.


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## LouisaB

Hi, everyone,

I'd like to give another UK perspective on this, because I'm afraid my experience differs from Terry Morti's. 

I think our answers depend on what is considered a 'personal question' - and whether we think that's a 'bad thing'. The English expression 'Don't make personal remarks' implies 'personal' = rude, and yet 'the personal touch' means something warm, human, and implies interest in the individual. I think the general line in the UK would be to applaud questions that fall under the second definition, and deplore those that fall under the first.

In my own experience, asking someone what they do is _not_ rude - it's 'personal' in the second sense and can have real value. It's looking for a basis of an interest on which to base further conversation. It's _especially _polite to ask this question of older people (as you're assuming they're young enough to be still working) and of women - particularly those who are merely introduced to you as 'this is my wife' - as it stresses their own individual identity. This is a different answer from Terry's, and I wonder if it's an age thing? I would agree it's more tactful to ask 'What do you do?' and drop the 'for a living' part of it, and my apologies, Terry, if you're actually only twenty one, but I've found that these days nearly _everyone_ needs to work one way or another, and only a tiny fraction of the population would take offence at my assuming that they do. Even the tiny percentage of fabulously wealthy like it to be assumed they 'do' something other than just spend.

To me, 'Where are you from?' is not a personal question at all, it's an unbelievably dull piece of small talk and usually leads nowhere. I'm glad scotu defined 'Anglo' for us, as it's not at all a common question in the UK, but I've found on some holidays it's almost considered _de rigeur_ among Americans. I was once accused of being standoffish because I hadn't 'once even asked where we were from'. What difference does it really make to me if someone's from Detroit or Florida? What difference does it make to them if I'm from Swindon or St Albans? The usual English answer is 'Oh yes, that's nice', or even 'Oh yes, I drove through there once'. It's no better than the desperate last conversational resort of the Englishman at a sticky dinner party - 'How did you get here? Did you come by the M25?'

Weight and age are 'personal' in the sense of being plain rude, as again I don't see that they really lead anywhere conversationally (unless, as has been said, the conversation is about dieting or something else relevant). Those are intrusive questions with no real conversational purpose.

'Personal' in the best sense doesn't involve any of these 'set' questions. To me, if you really want to know a stranger, you ask their opinion on something. Then 'That's interesting, why do you feel that?' will usually open things up in a wonderful way. Personally, I rarely use _any_ of the questions in scotu's original list.

Louisa


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## Dawei

LouisaB said:


> I've found that these days nearly _everyone_ needs to work one way or another, and only a tiny fraction of the population would take offence at my assuming that they do.



Just a small comment to add from the USA, although I'm sure it's the same in UK: if a person seems to be of college age, the most common first question instead of "what do you do" is usually "do you go to school?" It is usually followed by asking what the person is studying. 

Sometimes people will skip the first question and immediately ask _where _they are going to school (provided there are at least 2 universities in the city) or what they are studying. Of course, doing this is fine if the person is actually in school, but you are running the risk of possibly talking yourself into a corner if you find out the person either could not afford or could not get accepted into a university.


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## Terry Morti

LouisaB said:


> Hi, everyone,
> 
> I'd like to give another UK perspective on this, because I'm afraid my experience differs from Terry Morti's.
> 
> I think our answers depend on what is considered a 'personal question' - and whether we think that's a 'bad thing'. The English expression 'Don't make personal remarks' implies 'personal' = rude, and yet 'the personal touch' means something warm, human, and implies interest in the individual. I think the general line in the UK would be to applaud questions that fall under the second definition, and deplore those that fall under the first.
> 
> In my own experience, asking someone what they do is _not_ rude - it's 'personal' in the second sense and can have real value. It's looking for a basis of an interest on which to base further conversation. It's _especially _polite to ask this question of older people (as you're assuming they're young enough to be still working) and of women - particularly those who are merely introduced to you as 'this is my wife' - as it stresses their own individual identity. This is a different answer from Terry's, and I wonder if it's an age thing? I would agree it's more tactful to ask 'What do you do?' and drop the 'for a living' part of it, and my apologies, Terry, if you're actually only twenty one, but I've found that these days nearly _everyone_ needs to work one way or another, and only a tiny fraction of the population would take offence at my assuming that they do. Even the tiny percentage of fabulously wealthy like it to be assumed they 'do' something other than just spend.
> 
> To me, 'Where are you from?' is not a personal question at all, it's an unbelievably dull piece of small talk and usually leads nowhere. I'm glad scotu defined 'Anglo' for us, as it's not at all a common question in the UK, but I've found on some holidays it's almost considered _de rigeur_ among Americans. I was once accused of being standoffish because I hadn't 'once even asked where we were from'. What difference does it really make to me if someone's from Detroit or Florida? What difference does it make to them if I'm from Swindon or St Albans? The usual English answer is 'Oh yes, that's nice', or even 'Oh yes, I drove through there once'. It's no better than the desperate last conversational resort of the Englishman at a sticky dinner party - 'How did you get here? Did you come by the M25?'
> 
> Weight and age are 'personal' in the sense of being plain rude, as again I don't see that they really lead anywhere conversationally (unless, as has been said, the conversation is about dieting or something else relevant). Those are intrusive questions with no real conversational purpose.
> 
> 'Personal' in the best sense doesn't involve any of these 'set' questions. To me, if you really want to know a stranger, you ask their opinion on something. Then 'That's interesting, why do you feel that?' will usually open things up in a wonderful way. Personally, I rarely use _any_ of the questions in scotu's original list.
> 
> Louisa



On the contrary Louisa, it is a status symbol to be a full time "yummy mummy" in the UK in the 21st century! And in some circles it is even thought to be "unwomanly" to want to pursue a career while your children are young and being cared for by the help, (which of course is a nonsense since happy well-rounded children are brought up by happy fulfilled parents using good quality childcare as suits their individual parenting style). There is a whole genre of bloggers and Sunday columnists dedicated to it, even though the majority of women can't afford to be yummy mummies.  Howevever the reverse of this is true of the earlier days of feminism when "women's lib" dictated that it was offensive to suggest a woman was "kept" by her husband.

So it is _not _advisable to ask what women do. The former would probably reply tersely "I'm a full time mother!" and the latter, "I work!". (Both would be offended). Incidentally for obvious reasons, it is even worse to say to a mother "Do you work?" meaning do you engage in paid employment outside the home, as clearly child-rearing is work.

On the other point, I dislike the question "where are you from?" 

Does it mean:

"Where were you born?" 
"Where did you grow up?" 
"Where do you live now?"  
or "where is your accent from?"

The Queen avoids all such questions by asking "Have you had far to come?"

As you are not aware that it is considered very rude indeed to make comments about what you (incorrectly in this case) might perceive to be someone's age, it might be thought advisable by some to take your other thoughts on such matters with a pinch of salt.


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## Silvia B

KaRiNe_Fr said:


> And what if the answer is "No, thanks"?
> Do you have the right to refuse to answer a personal question without being considered a rude guy?



The same question "can I ask you a personal thing?" is asked in Italy as well.
But I heard nobody answering "No thanks" 

So it is just a silly question to make the other one understand that you are not trying to pry..But that you are in a discussion where this question can be asked just to get more acquainted.

By the way, I was sometimes asked questions that I didn't want to answer. I just tried to be evasive and close the conversation in 5 seconds, making the other one understand that he/she has to mind his/her own business!!!!

One really bothering question from my collegues?! I stay home for one day (considering that I never stay home) and they ask me "why" !!!  
Or say: so you went on a trip this long week end?!" Just to know what I did!
My answers are REALLY rude and my face shows that I am bothered... 

ciao!


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## LouisaB

Terry Morti said:


> On the contrary Louisa, it is a status symbol to be a full time "yummy mummy" in the UK in the 21st century! And in some circles it is even thought to be "unwomanly" to want to pursue a career while your children are young and being cared for by the help, (which of course is a nonsense since happy well-rounded children are brought up by happy fulfilled parents using good quality childcare as suits their individual parenting style). There is a whole genre of bloggers and Sunday columnists dedicated to it, even though the majority of women can't afford to be yummy mummies. Howevever the reverse of this is true of the earlier days of feminism when "women's lib" dictated that it was offensive to suggest a woman was "kept" by her husband.
> 
> So it is _not _advisable to ask what women do. The former would probably reply tersely "I'm a full time mother!" and the latter, "I work!". (Both would be offended). Incidentally for obvious reasons, it is even worse to say to a mother "Do you work?" meaning do you engage in paid employment outside the home, as clearly child-rearing is work.


 
I'm afraid I don't know many 'yummy-mummies' - perhaps because I've offended them all by asking this question!  However, that's exactly why I advocated asking simply 'What do you do?' and omit the 'for a living'. The answer could indeed be 'I'm a mother', but it would be an interesting personality that would be offended - why would they assume being a mother isn't a legitimate occupation like everything else? The very small number of wealthy people I know also talk constantly about what they 'do' - eg designing handbags, voluntary work, politics etc. Again, that's why 'what do you do?' is safe, whereas 'What do you do for a living?' is not. As for 'Do you work?' I imagine that would be rude in any culture, and whoever you ask.



> On the other point, I dislike the question "where are you from?"
> 
> Does it mean:
> 
> "Where were you born?"
> "Where did you grow up?"
> "Where do you live now?"
> or "where is your accent from?"
> 
> The Queen avoids all such questions by asking "Have you had far to come?"


 
So we do agree on something! The Queen's remark is a classic - it shows it is _exactly_ on a level with the 'Did you drive here?' type of remark.



> As you are not aware that it is considered very rude indeed to make comments about what you (incorrectly in this case) might perceive to be someone's age, it might be thought advisable by some to take your other thoughts on such matters with a pinch of salt.


 
You have me a little confused here. Since I wrote 





> Weight and age are personal in the sense of being plain rude


 I'm not quite sure where you're getting this from. If you're offended by my suggestion it might be an age gap between us that causes a different perspective, then again I do apologise for that - but I hope you noticed I did that already in my previous post, which hardly suggests unawareness . As this is the Cultural Discussions forum, and we're offering differing viewpoints from the same culture, it can be helpful to consider where those differences come from. That's one reason why I clearly state my age in my profile - and sometimes it makes a very big difference to the area of experience I'm offering for discussion.

What matters is that our experience clearly differs. This may be because I am an old bag and (as I said above) don't know many young, rich 'yummy mummies'. If so, that fact is relevant. Either way, the fact we have different experience gives me neither the right nor desire to accord your opinions less respect. Why should it? Between us, we are giving a picture of the different views in the UK, and I wouldn't dream of suggesting yours is less valid than mine!

Louisa


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## Terry Morti

I was attempting to suggest (ironically) that you might be unaware of how offensive your remarks were. It seems I gave you more credit than you were due and you knew you were being rude.

Great!


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## xrayspex

_It seems I gave you more credit than you were due _ 

If you were providing an example of a statement that would be rude in any culture, congratulations... you succeeded.


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## lizzeymac

I second that.  Terry Morti - you have placed yourself.

I wouldn't consider "what do you do?"  extremely personal, though as cuchu has mentioned, there are some people who attempt to use this phrase as a weapon.  It is pretty easy to spot those people. I wouldn't _start_ a social conversation with it, it is abrupt.  

Of course, you run the chance of touching on a sore subject with many seemingly innocuous questions.  I am self-employed, as are many of the people I work with & socialize with, so I would usually use the phrase "What is your next project?"  This leaves the awful possibility that the person may respond "I don't have another project booked yet." - the equivalent of "I am about to be unemployed."  

I think asking a relative stranger, or even an friend,  how much money they make is rude.  There is no sensible reason to ask this, either you want to compare their salary to yours - useless - or you are just plain nosy.  If a friend started a new job I might ask if they were happy with the salary & benefits.  If they wanted to talk about the details it would be up to them to bring it up.   I discuss financial issues with a few friends & people I work with but only those I trust not to gossip.

Asking how old someone is is one of those questions I can't understand - why would you need to know that?  Do you suspect them of underage drinking?  Using a senior citizen discount?  It just seems another form of score-keeping or nosiness. 

In New York City the more common personal questions are "Do you rent or own?"  and "What neighborhood do you live in?"  This can be another way to ask about personal finances, though complaining about housing is practically the national sport of NYC.  

Asking someone "When did you move to NY?" can be a rude question.  You might be implying they are not a "real" New Yorker & this can be used as a put-down.
I think it might be the equivalent of the British question someone mentioned earlier - "Where is your accent from?"  
That is possibly the rudest question I have ever heard.  It isn't really a question, is it?   It's an attempt at a classist, snobby insult, and like most rude behavior, it reveals the character of the speaker.


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## kirsitn

Personally I wouldn't be offended if someone asked me about my age, weight, religious beliefs, political views or anything along that line. The only thing I wouldn't normally feel comfortable discussing is my income/personal economy. Not sure if that's a typical Norwegian thing, though. 

Typical safe topics for chit chat with a Norwegian that you've just met:

- The weather (Norwegians love discussing the weather)
- Where the person comes from (Norway has many distinct dialects)
- Personal interests related to the setting you're in (if you've met at a concert, then the other person's taste in music would be an obvious topic.)


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## kirsitn

lizzeymac said:


> I think it might be the equivalent of the British question someone mentioned earlier - "Where is your accent from?"
> That is possibly the rudest question I have ever heard.  It isn't really a question, is it?   It's an attempt at a classist, snobby insult, and like most rude behavior, it reveals the character of the speaker.



Fascinating! If someone asked me about my accent (in Norwegian), I would take it for granted that they were interested in languages and/or were wondering about whether or not they had been to the place I come from. I couldn't possibly see any reason to be offended by that question.


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## scotu

So far this has been an interesting discussion, Thanks to all who have contributed so far.

I have learned first, that there is not much agreement as to what constitutes a personal question. There are various opinions as to whether questions about ones age, occupation, weight, weekend activities, accents, etc. (and even one that I used think was relatively inoffensive; "where are you from") are personal questions or not. 

So I would like to try to define "personal question" (purely for the purposes of this thread) as a question inquiring about some aspect of a person's life when it is unknown if that person considers that aspect of their life private or public. Within this context do you think personal questions are rude? 

_How'bout dem Bears?_

scotu


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## faranji

scotu said:


> Within this context do you think personal questions are rude?


 
Meaning 'offensive'? No, I don't. 
If the asker is a friend, (s)he's more than entitled to it. 
If it's not, I don't give a damn what (s)he might make of my answer.


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## cuchuflete

Not asking any personal questions, however you may wish to define 'personal question', is a great way to get to know people in the US.  People will let you know who and what they are all about in a hurry by keeping personal details to themselves until they know you well, or by regaling you with all sorts of personal details they want you to know, whether or not you have any interest in their personal details.  

If they tell you their opinions about issues, or travel, or language, or what they are reading, you will learn that these things and ideas are important to them.  If they let you know the square footage and location of their apartment or house, the age and name and model of their car, where they buy their clothes, you will have a different insight.

Is this different in other cultures?


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## scotu

cuchuflete said:


> Not asking any personal questions, however you may wish to define 'personal question', is a great way to get to know people in the US. People will let you know who and what they are all about in a hurry by keeping personal details to themselves until they know you well, or by regaling you with all sorts of personal details they want you to know, whether or not you have any interest in their personal details.
> 
> If they tell you their opinions about issues, or travel, or language, or what they are reading, you will learn that these things and ideas are important to them. If they let you know the square footage and location of their apartment or house, the age and name and model of their car, where they buy their clothes, you will have a different insight.
> 
> Is this different in other cultures?


 
I completely agree...By asking personal questions, you may get information about things that are *important to you*. What you sacrifice is the knowledge of the things that are important to the person you are questioning. 

My answer to the question "Is it rude?"   is:  No, it was done with the best of intentions and therfore is not rude. Thank all of you all for helping me to arrive at an answer to the question.
scotu


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## dec-sev

Terry Morti said:


> . Even with men it was more polite to ask "*what sort of line are you in*?" In this form you are not connecting the query with filthy lucre. But really all references to their job are best avoided unless they volunteer something in which case you can follow it up in the conversation.


 
For me hiding behind flowery expressions is the top of hypocrisy. What sort of answer do you expect to get? Suppose, the person didn't get what you want from him \ her. What would you do? "Excuse me I meant to ask what do you do" But why on Earth didn't you ask me what I do?"


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## gaer

scotu said:


> Do you think it's rude to ask a person you have just met a personal question?


I'm concentrating on this last question, because I think it is most important.

If I have just met someone, I would most definitely be highly irritated at any questions I consider private.

The problem is that each of us has a different idea of what IS private, and the is based on many different factors. Culture is certainly a very important factor.


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## dec-sev

gaer said:


> The problem is that each of us has a different idea of what IS private, and the is based on many different factors. Culture is certainly a very important factor.


I hope _what is your name?_ is OK in any culture.


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## Dempsey

It's fairly common to ask personal questions. So long as those questions don't cause embarassment (asking someone's age, for example). Some people may be insecure or embarassed about their job so they won't like being asked what they do for a living.
Asking how much money someone makes is a big no-no. Don't do it. People are _very_ touchy about money and how much they make.


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## Silvia B

Dempsey said:


> It's fairly common to ask personal questions. So long as those questions don't cause embarassment (asking someone's age, for example). Some people may be insecure or embarassed about their job so they won't like being asked what they do for a living.
> Asking how much money someone makes is a big no-no. Don't do it. People are _very_ touchy about money and how much they make.



And, by the way, why should someone be interested in how much money we have!?? 
for a racist reason? 
Definitely a no-no. 
I think we have stated that all countries believe that


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## Chaska Ñawi

Here, as a general rule, the only taboo questions are related to money and income.  I find it interesting that people who will tell  you more than you really wanted to know about their sexual preferences or episiotomies will take immediate offence if they think you're asking about their income or how much they paid for their houses.


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## Terry Morti

One of my country-women above disagrees with me, considering me old-fashioned at best; geriatric at worst, for thinking as I do on this.  But please don’t just take my word for it; my humble opinion is corroborated by at least one renowned social anthropologist.

Kate Fox notes in her marvellous 2004 book, _Watching the English: The Hidden Rules of English Behaviour _that foreigners often find the English unfriendly because they do not like to reveal or ask for basic personal data.  

In what she calls _The Guessing Game Rule _she says: 


> “It is not considered entirely polite, for example, to ask someone directly ‘What do you do?’… Etiquette requires us to find a more roundabout, indirect way of discovering what people do for a living”.


 Fox suggests that some direct questions are more impolite than others, stating that it is less rude to ask “Where do you live?’ than ‘What do you do?’ but suggests that even this is better phrased in 


> “a more indirect manner, such as ‘Do you live nearby?’ or more obliquely ‘Have you come far?’”.


 She notes a taboo on ‘prying’ and an English tendency to sneer at the cliché of the stereotyped American who will tell all within 5 minutes of meeting, but she notes that while this is not entirely without foundation, it probably 


> “tells us more about the English and our privacy rules than it does about the Americans.”


 Fox makes an interesting observation that this guessing game is played at almost every *middle class* social gathering where people are meeting each other for the first time, to find out all manner of census form style innocuous information. 

From that, might it be inferred that the disagreement earlier in this thread is one of class rather than age?


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## galaxygirl

well let me tell you that here in my country (venezuela) personal questions are part of a "normal" conversation. in fact if you are in a public chat and you know anyone, the basic question that someone ask you is: "sweetheart,how old are you?" it is almost a rule. and it is so common that it doesn´t matter if you ask a woman or a man. but, it all depends of culture. but those of you who speak spanish and want to know what i mean, just have to go to this page (latinchat) and you will see what i´m talking about. and then let me know your experiences


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## scotu

What I think I am understanding from your post is that your reason for asking personal questions comes from the best of motives; that of trying to establish a basis for conversation or establish commonality; therefore you think that it is not rude; in fact, because your question is showing a personal interest in the person, it is maybe just the opposite of rude. Since you ask only personal questions that are not offensive to you; you don't imagine that anyone else could take offense at such a question. 

However, you do think that it might be rude if you were to ask a personal question that you would find offensive if it was asked of you. There seem to be some distinct cultural differences as to what is a personal question and which personal questions we find offensive. Therefore it seems either I should be more careful about asking a question, at least, of a person from a different culture or I should decide that interrogation is not conversation and refrain from asking personal questions. 
_Now, 'bout dem Bears?_

scotu

PS: If I had the opportunity to start over I think the question would have been: _Do you think personal questions are disrespectiful_?


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## gaer

dec-sev said:


> I hope _what is your name?_ is OK in any culture.


Even that is tricky. If the question is worded impolitely, which is very easy to do in English, then the question itself is impolite.


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## alexacohen

Well, the only thing I can say is that the meaning of "personal question" changes very much according to the person.
No way to discover if it is OK to ask the personal question in question except by asking the question if you are interested in the person in question.
If you are not interested, you will not ask any questions anyway...
To question or not to question, that is the question.
Alexa


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## Musical Chairs

Some people do the thing where they go "Oh, I'm 25...hehehe!" (when they're really 40 or something) I think that's a little lame though.

It's also bad to answer with "well, what do you think?" when someone asks you your age too.


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## LaReinita

alexacohen said:


> Well, the only thing I can say is that the meaning of "personal question" changes very much according to the person.
> No way to discover if it is OK to ask the personal question in question except by asking the question if you are interested in the person in question.
> If you are not interested, you will not ask any questions anyway...
> To question or not to question, that is the question.
> Alexa


 
Funny!  I can't imagine how asking a person's name can be considered rude.  It's always nice to know the name of the person with whom you're speaking.  "What is your name?" in my opinion, is A LOT more polite than "Hey you!"


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## scotu

LaReinita said:


> Funny! I can't imagine how asking a person's name can be considered rude. It's always nice to know the name of the person with whom you're speaking. "What is your name?" in my opinion, is A LOT more polite than "Hey you!"


 
I think it would be more polite if you came and said" Hi, I'm LaReinita, I'm pleased to meet you." and then give me the option of giving you my name or not. 

Unless you are asking for the name of your waiter, in this part of the world it is not unusual for people, when they first meet, to have a little bit of conversation (weather, sports, town events) before they begin asking questions including names. In fact frequently names will not be exchanged until parting from an initial meeting,


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## Musical Chairs

Hmm...I thought of another slightly personal question. If you're Asian, other people (mostly Asians) will ask you "are you [Chinese, Korean, Japanese, etc.]?" and while I think that's an acceptable question, it's not something I ask a person right away. It annoys me when it's the first question people ask me, especially when they go "oh really?!" or something similar.


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## LaReinita

scotu said:


> I think it would be more polite if you came and said" Hi, I'm LaReinita, I'm pleased to meet you." and then give me the option of giving you my name or not.
> 
> Unless you are asking for the name of your waiter, in this part of the world it is not unusual for people, when they first meet, to have a little bit of conversation (weather, sports, town events) before they begin asking questions including names. In fact frequently names will not be exchanged until parting from an initial meeting,


 
Well, yes Scotu, I would have to agree, that would be more polite. However, I don't think asking for someone's name is a rude or personal question. For God Sake's, it's a name, WE ALL HAVE ONE, and if don't like it, we can change it or acquire a nickname But yes, "Hi, I'm LaReinita, pleased to meet you" does sound much more pleasant.


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## dec-sev

Terry Morti said:


> In what she calls _The Guessing Game Rule _she says: Fox suggests that some direct questions are more impolite than others, stating that it is less rude to ask “Where do you live?’ than ‘What do you do?’ but suggests that even this is better phrased in:
> 
> _“a more indirect manner, such as ‘Do you live nearby?’ or more obliquely ‘Have you come far?’”. _


 
- Have you come far?
- Very far. Two days by train, five hours by plane and 30 pounds to pay for the taxi. 

If "Where do you live" in the country you live in is considered to be  rude I wouldn't be surprised to be sued for asking you phone number.


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## dec-sev

gaer said:


> Even that is tricky. If the question is worded impolitely, which is very easy to do in English, then the question itself is impolite.


 
According to that magnificent book mentioned by Terry Moti the question should be composed something like “Have your name come far?”


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## Sepia

I don't mind people asking personal questions - but what I can't tolerate is when they believe they have the right always to get an answer and be offended when they don't get one. Who do they think they are? (Once I asked somebody in return how many times a week he masturbated.)

If I have the feeling the answer will be used to confirm their prejudices I don't answer. This will often be questions conc. place of origin, age and such. If I have the feeling they are asking for information they would not understand or use in a responsible way I don't answer. That would often be the religion question.


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## Silvia B

Sepia said:


> If I have the feeling the answer will be used to confirm their prejudices I don't answer. This will often be questions conc. place of origin, age and such. If I have the feeling they are asking for information they would not understand or use in a responsible way I don't answer. That would often be the religion question.



Let's say it is not the "question" the real problem, but how it is asked and who asks.

It always depends on situations. In certain situations I would answer almost all those questions with no problems at all, in other situations I would feel disappointed even for a "what's your name?" (if I don't want to get acquainted to that person that I've never seen before)


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## scotu

LaReinita said:


> JEJEJEJ . . . yes, pero me entiendes un poco, verdad?


 
Yes of course I understand, we are social beings and we all have our own way to try to to initiate social contact. We think that trying to make freinds with new poeple is a good thing and can't imagine how our attempt at making contact could taken as rude. I agree with you. 

If the person you are trying to make contact with thinks your attempt is rude, it may well be his loss, and your respect for his privacy may be your gain.

scotu


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## alexacohen

When I'm at work at some airport or other, the rude question is "What is your name?".
It means that whatever problem the person is having with the airline, they're going to sue you personally instead of the airline in question.
My answer is always the same. My name is my own. You are not entitled to know it. 
Now that's a rude answer.

Alexa


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## blacksmyth

I am working in Ireland

the best question ever was:

I suppose you wouldn't have the change for a fiver?

Or the most common answers you get here are as follows:

Question: is this black or white?  Answer: Yes

How are you?  I said: Bad.......  Answer: that's good

Or every morning: howareyounottoobad Question and answer in one....pfffft

ED


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## ireney

Moderator's note: A very interesting thread that seems to have run its course and is now past the cultural and into the personal realm and therefore it's closed before it drifts further outside the scope of this forum.


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