# Does hosting friends at home imply inviting them for dinner?



## birus

Hoping not to be repetitive...

Some years ago my husband and I were hosted by a couple of friends near London, for about 4-5 days, at their home. We are Italian and they are British (English?).
She was working during daytime, he was not. We had planned to spend the daytime separately and stay together after she would come home from work.
Before our departure, we assumed, based on Italian habits, that we would have eaten each dinner at home with them, unless something different came up / was suggested.
To be polite and reciprocate, we brought them, as presents, lots of italian food (wine, parmesan cheese, cookies, pasta, mozzarella and so on).
Actually the ONLY time we had dinner together at their home was when WE cooked our pasta and mozzarella for them.
The other evenings the "dinner subject" was not mentioned, or we were simply suggested some restaurants in the neighborhood.
The first day this was quite embarassing for us, because it was not clear whether they would have been offended by seeing us coming home by dinner, expecting to have dinner together, or by seeing us NOT coming home by dinner, but later on, after having something to eat on our own (while maybe they had cooked something for us...).
As I said, we eventually found out that it was not at all understood (like it would normally be in Italy) that they would cook dinner for us too, every evening.
I would like to have your opinions on this: what would you give for understood in your own country? Is our friends' behaviour the most common in UK or other countries?
(Please forgive my mistakes in English...)


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## Q-cumber

*birus*

Well, normally should you visit Russian friends, they by all means will share every breakfast, lucnch, dinner, etc. with you.  Most probably, they will get a bit offended, should you decide to eat somewhere else on your own.


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## birus

> Well, normally should you visit Russian friends, they by all means will share every breakfast, lucnch, dinner, etc. with you.  Most probably, they will get a bit offended, should you decide to eat somewhere else on your own.


Actually this is quite true for Italians too, especially southern ones, unless, like I said, someone is working during daytime.


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## cuchuflete

Where I live, inviting people to your home normally implies the expectation of shared meals at home.  Exceptions would be discussed openly.  For example, the guests might wish to do some local tourism, and eat out, or either
guests or hosts might invite everyone to a picnic or a restaurant meal.


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## TrentinaNE

I think most Americans would not hesitate to openly discuss the meal arrangements with someone they felt comfortable enough to have sleep in their home.   

Elisabetta


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## Sallyb36

If I invited someone to stay at my home for a few days then I would expect that we would all eat together at mealtimes.  I would expect to provide the food as well.  I think it was very rude of your friends to suggest restaurants to you instead of making dinner for you.


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## badgrammar

In France, eating together is the whole reason you would stay at someone's home, otherwise, you might as well be at a hotel.  

But maybe some people do not really cook at home, or make no fuss over eating together, even as a couple.  Could that be the case here?  

Did they prepare dinner just for themselves or did you never see any kind of dinner preparation activity at all?  If you stayed with my sister, for example, you would never see anything beyond the crumpling of carry-out bags, and in her family everyone kind of fends for themselves/has their own eating schedule.  Mealtime is just not important to her.

My next question is, were these good friends, or did they perhaps take your staying there as just providing you with free accomadations?  Maybe you considered them friends whereas they just considered you aquaintances?


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## Vanda

We had a beautiful discussion about these habits somewhere in the past of this forum.  I learned that almost all _povos latinos_ (as we say it in my side of the pond): Italian, French, Brazilian, those hispanohablantes (well, all of them) and Asians take for granted  inviting people at home to have the meals together. Actually it is something so natural in  our culture that we'd not even think about the other way around. The new generation living in big centers are somehow changing these habits, but in small towns - and not so small- and for people about my generation it is still a nice habit we cultivate.

The thread I mentioned here, Although it is about uninvited guests the principle behind it, IMHO, is the same.


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## Brioche

I certainly take it for granted that if someone sleeps at my house, I provide them with meals as well.


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## alexacohen

Hi:
*Does hosting friends at home imply inviting them for dinner?*
Yes, it does in Spain. If you are invited to stay you are expected to share the meals. Actually we would feel insulted if you don't. We would think, "gosh, does she think our food is so bad?" OK if you want to have dinner on your own at the local tavern some night or other, but otherwise we will be laying the table for you at dinner time as a matter of course. OK too if you decide to cook delicious Italian food one night. 
Alexa


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## sarcie

In Ireland, and in my own Irish enclave here in Germany, having a guest to stay for a few nights means feeding them as well. If someone comes to stay longer (months), I would discuss the situation with them and expect some contribution to the household. They do not necessarily need to cook, I'm quite happy to do that because I enjoy it, but if they are staying long term, I can't afford to provide a hotel service! 

Usually, when I have had guests, they have offered to take us out for a meal some night, or have cooked for us in our home or brought some lovely gift with them. None of these things is expected and no offense is taken if the offer never appears - but they're certainly not rejected either!  On the other side, I don't mind in the least if my guests have made plans to do something on their own or with other friends in the city. It's their holiday!

I think badgrammar raised a good point though - one of the reasons I am delighted to cook for and eat with my guests is because it means I get to spend more time with them (particularly if I've been at work all day and have had to leave them to their own devices). However, if you don't know these people very well, perhaps they are not comfortable enough to spend such an intimate amount of time with you. Conversations over dinner can be excruciating if you are shy and don't know your guests well.


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## alexacohen

sarcie said:


> However, if you don't know these people very well, perhaps they are not comfortable enough to spend such an intimate amount of time with you. Conversations over dinner can be excruciating if you are shy and don't know your guests well.


But their hosts had invited them to stay, and to sleep, at their home. It was not a "Bed & Breakfast" contract. Surely if you issue an invitation of that kind means you know and like the people? 
Yes, there are homes where people do not care much about having dinner together, but then this should be explained to the guests along with the "be careful with the third step, it's broken" kind of thing. That's what an Spaniard would do. From my Spaniard point of view, I can't think of any other explanation except "bad manners" and/or "tight fisted". 
Alexa


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## jonquiliser

If and when I have guests, I would assume that it is possible they'll have hungry tummies, but it's open whether we eat together and so on. Most likely, we'll talk about it and see what everyone wants. But at least the first day I tend to have something prepared, as they might be tired from travelling. Then it all depends on what level of friendship and confidence with each other we have, what my guest(s) like foodwise, what I have at home... The most common thing would be me preparing something, and ask if they'll want as well. No offence taken if they don't want to eat my food, and if I know they like cooking, I might insinuate that they're welcome to cook for me so I don't have to  (as long as it is all vegan). I don't usually go to a lot of trouble preparing my food. So at least there are no "formal" dinner habits to join in on. Anyway, when people stay long, there's just one deal: we talk about arrangements, and IF we always eat together (very unlikely, I have my mealtimes when I happen to be hungry, and not always at home) we all contribute to making sure there's food in the house and on the plates 

I think the most common thing in Finland if you have people staying over is that they likely will eat with you. But, this may of course depend, on how well you know they people, the reasons for them staying over, how long they stay for, if you live in a tiny studio flat and have no kitchen () and so on.


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## Q-cumber

*jonquiliser*
I beg your pardon, what is "foodwise"?


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## Etcetera

If I invite someone to my house, I'll be sure to offer some food. It doesn't need to be a dinner per se, perhaps we'll only have tea together, but nonetheless. 
When I go to a friend's place, it's the same: I can't recall a single visit which did not end at the table.


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## Siberia

In my part of the UK, inviting someone to stay at your house usually means full board and lodging.  Of course, if I am working I cannot possibly get their meals but I will tell them where everything is in the house and I might recommend shops if they need to get something particular.  But when I'm present I expect to make all the meals and eat with them unless they have arranged to go somewhere or do something particular.  If they offered I would let them cook (TG), if they invited me out for a meal I would accept but to just cooly recommend restaurants while I did what?  Eat on my own? Make my own arrangements? Go to my mother's? That sounds like rudeness. If they don't cook they can get a takeaway or make sandwiches. It's not what you eat that's important but the sharing and the time together.  I'm sorry birus that happend to you.  I hope you didn't invite them back to Naples!!!!!


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## jonquiliser

Q-cumber, "in terms of food", "when it comes to food". My bad. As English has the excellent option of -wise, I add it when I feel it's needed. Sorry for the confusion.   And excuse the off-topic.


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## TrentinaNE

Donning my mod hat outside my usual habitat to remind everyone that *this thread is about cultural expectations, not personal preferences*.


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## ayaram7700

Hello everybody,

Where I live now, we have to travel long distances to spend a weekend with friends or family, so it is definitely implied in the invitation that all or most meals will be shared in the household or a restaurant. Of course, you don't want to put a burden  on your hosts  moneywise, so you bring in wine, fruit, dessert, some vegetables for salads, even meat or chicken, anything to make your stay remembered with pleasure and the expectation of being invited again...

This is also true for my home country, Chile. Nobody would even dream of people visiting and having to go out for dinner: Outrageous. No way. May be birus' hosts were going through a difficult time, or something, or their relationship was a little strained. 

Saludos,

Ayaram7700


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## .   1

My culture would find such behaviour confronting.
Food and the sharing of food is very important in Australia.
We have long memories of short rations and hunger is dreadful.

Australians feel very uncomfortable to eat in front of someone who is not eating so we split what we have and pass it over.  This is done ritualistically in that if I split the food you get to choose which portion you take that way the split is pretty fair even though the taker always takes the smaller portion.

It would be unthinkable to host people for days and not feed them breakfast and dinner.  Lunch is generally pretty ad hoc but if they were around the house at meal time they wouldn't even be invited.  A place would be set and they would sit at the table and that would be that.

A person who does not eat at my home is not my guest.

.,,


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## Joca

. said:


> ...
> 
> A person who does not eat at my home is not my guest.
> 
> .,,


 
This is also true for me, but the person doesn't need to eat the same food as we do. I will respect her choice not to eat meat or junk food (though we rarely eat junk food at home and elsewhere for that matter). We once hosted a vegetarian for a few days. We were told beforehand that she was a vegetarian and asked if we would kindly serve her vegetarian fare rather than meat. How could we say no?

JC


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## .   1

Joca said:


> This is also true for me, but the person doesn't need to eat the same food as we do.


Absolutely!  Some of my dietry choices would gag a stote.  I would never, never insist that a person eat Vegemite.
I am happy to provide alternate food.  Most Australian food is pretty heavily meat based but it is easy to accomodate vegeterians or any other choices.  My experience is that the vegetarians who stay with us for more than a day or so bring their own packets of stuff or we slide down to the shops and buy it ourselves.
Everybody is happy and contented after a good meal and this is the main aim of having guests.
A contented guest is much easier to administer.

.,,


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## liulia

cuchuflete said:


> Where I live, inviting people to your home normally implies the expectation of shared meals at home.  Exceptions would be discussed openly.  For example, the guests might wish to do some local tourism, and eat out, or either
> guests or hosts might invite everyone to a picnic or a restaurant meal.



This exactly describes my own assumptions.  Thank you cuchuflete for saving me the trouble of explaining!  But although I live in Ireland, I cannot speak for the Irish people!


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## lizzeymac

_(Culturally specific comments in italics)_ 
As several Forer@s have said, having meals together is one of the best parts of having house guests. 
_Most Americans I know would consider your hosts behavior rude & extremely inconsiderate, especially as you were foreign visitors, not just visiting from another part of the same country. Offering food is definitely an important part of (all of the) the American culture(s). Most Americans are not particularly formal so we would expect guests to "hang out" with the family. We would invite guests out for a drink or dinner to meet our friends. If a guest who was an acquaintance or a relatively new friend came to visit & seemed to have no intention of having at least one meal with me at any time, I would take offense - I am not a hotel, & if I were I would be expensive. _

I can't imagine not having a meal ready for people on their first night- after they traveled for hours?  
Of course, not everyone can cook or has much money to spare but if that were the case your hosts would already know the best local inexpensive take out food shops, and truly, with a little planning almost anyone can buy good bread, roast a chicken and make a big salad. If you know you are a lousy cook you could at least warn your guests, collect the best takeout menus & stock your kitchen with plenty of food & give your guests the run of the place.  
You acted like lovely guests, bringing Italian mozzarella & cookies & wine, Mmmmm.  _Most Americans would bring a gift for the host from home, especially something not available in the hosts region, or would ask the host if they (the guest) could cook a meal or two or take them out as a thank you._
Some friends who have stayed at my house want to go out every night but I would never assume they could afford to eat at a restaurant every night in addition to going clubbing & sightseeing & shopping, so I would suggest we eat at home before going out.
_
I__ would want to be sure that guests were not left with nothing to do or "abandoned" - except for any plans the guests had with other friends in the same city or if they needed some peace & quiet after touring New York City.__ 
How we all would be spending our time on your visit, together or apart, would definitely be discussed, cell phone numbers & maps & keys to the house are given to guests. Most New Yorkers are a bit over-protective of their guests, especially those from non-urban areas. _


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## ireney

Well since Greek hospitality includes providing/giving your guest anything but family members and your bank account/credit card and an almost overpowering degree of overall attendance to his/her needs it is I suppose self-evident that providing all the meals (and something in between because he/she might feel peckish if something like an hour has passed since the last time you offered food to them). 

I must say however that I have never experienced as a guest of Brits nor have heard from friends who share this experience of a behaviour as rude as the one the first post describes. I suppose it was just a case of very bad luck (rude people exist in all longitudes and latitudes).


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## avok

In Turkey, if you have guests that simply means "to eat together." 
Otherwise, what is the point of inviting people to your house if you are not meant to offer them something to eat and have fun ???

And It would be very very very rude not to invite them to dinner if your guests already spend the night in your house.

Another thing, here in Turkey when people eat something in a group of people, they would simply offer "would you like to taste , take a piece of this etc..." but I eyewitnessed that (western/northern) europeans drink, eat anything in front of you without offering which seems rude to the turkish people.


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## Joca

avok said:


> ... Another thing, here in Turkey when people eat something in a group of people, they would simply offer "would you like to taste , take a piece of this etc..." but I eyewitnessed that (western/northern) europeans ( the french for instance ) drink, eat anything in front of you without offering which seems rude to the turkish people.


 
This poses a very ... controversial aspect of offering and sharing food. Many parents still tell their kids to offer their snack or whatever they are eating or drinking to anyone around. Not only children, but also adults do that. I won't go in detail about hygiene, but isn't such a practise a little bit too forced? Isn't it often a silly game?

Suppose you are very hungry and the sandwich or the portion you are holding is exactly what you need to kill your hunger. If you offer a bit to someone and they accept it (oh, wouldn't it be rude of them to refuse? some may even ask for more...), you may feel deprived (that is, hungry) and even angry with yourself in the end. I think most kids, when forced to share, will internally talk to themselves: "Please God, make him refuse it." And certainly many adults do the same. So, in many cases, offering food is just pure hypocrisy. 

Now, it is a different picture when you have guests: I think it is very friendly and courteous of you to provide them with food and comfort. But I don't think it's necessarily rude not to offer food when you are eating casually, a snack or something. Indeed it is maybe childish to feel rejected when the eater doesn't do that. 

Yet, I am afraid too many people fall in the trap: they automatically offer their snack not because they really want to do so, but because they have been told to do so.


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## birus

Hi everybody, thanks a lot for all the interesting anwers!
Unluckily I have some problems with the PC I'm using that prevent me from replying the way I would like (i.e. with coloured text, emoticons and so on). But I'll try to do my best to be clear anyway.
In reply to Badgrammar:


> But maybe some people do not really cook at home, or make no fuss over eating together, even as a couple. Could that be the case here?


Unluckily not. The last time we had been at their house before, she had cooked a wonderful dinner for us. So, at least she knows "what it means" to have people for dinner.



> Did they prepare dinner just for themselves or did you never see any kind of dinner preparation activity at all?


In facts they were probably on a diet, or so. They told us where to find stuff for the breakfast, and that we could help ourselves. But this was not intended to cover dinners, too.



> My next question is, were these good friends, or did they perhaps take your staying there as just providing you with free accomadations? Maybe you considered them friends whereas they just considered you aquaintances?


This is probably the best conclusion, also comparing their behaviour with what all the English people that answered this post said.
There was probably a big misunderstanding on this aspect. Nevertheless, if I had been in their shoes, noticing the whole amount of food presents we brought for them, and above all our general attitude towards them, I would have started doubting that I was just providing an accomodation.


About offering to share the food you're eating to anybody around, even strangers: I notice great differences between people from different places on that topic.
Example: if you were travelling by train from north to south Italy (or the other way back), at lunchtime you would probably see people both from northern and southern regions opening their packed lunchs (panini) and having their meal. I bet none of them with northern origins would offer their meal to strangers seating close to them, while surely most of the southern italians would!
Coming from Turin (on the north side), I personally was quite surprised the first times I was offered food by total strangers! Eventually I got used to the fact that this is a normal habit in sothern regions, and that it is almost understood that the answer is going to be "no, thanks", nevertheless it is considered quite rude not to offer you food at all.


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## Chaska Ñawi

I don't think this can always be generalised by nationality, although perhaps as you said, by region.  I've met all kinds travelling, but nobody has ever invited me home and not expected that I'd eat with them.  Ditto for every part of Canada I've seen.

That said, my English relatives are much more uptight than my Canadian relatives about house guests.  In general, the Canadian side of the family (about 7 cousins and their children and grandchildren) takes in visiting family on short notice or no notice, rearranges their plans wherever possible, and takes them sight-seeing.  In general, the English side likes a lot of notice, mostly prefers that their relatives stay at a hotel, and will not deviate from arranged plans.

When I was younger and backpacking through England, I assumed that my relatives would put me up wherever I was.... which is how things work on this side of the pond.  Bad assumption.  Some did, but one cousin explained that she wouldn't be able to have me that month because there was a hole in their front yard from the landscapers; another explained that it was a bad time because she was repapering one of the rooms in the house.  They honestly felt that these details precluded them from having company.

The people who do visit across the Atlantic both provide dinner for the guests and cook for the hosts.


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## alexacohen

avok said:


> Another thing, here in Turkey when people eat something in a group of people, they would simply offer "would you like to taste , take a piece of this etc..." but I eyewitnessed that (western/northern) europeans ( the french for instance ) drink, eat anything in front of you without offering which seems rude to the turkish people.


I'll explain, because if you decide to visit me, I wouldn't want to be considered rude  . Spanish people would laid the table, call everybody "Dinner is ready, folks!" and expect you to help yourself to whatever you like. We will only offer you food if it is a very formal dinner, as of course the guest is always the first to be served so he/she can choose. Otherwise, you are family. Just sit down with us and choose the best morsels before the kids eat them all.
Alexa


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## .   1

alexacohen said:


> Otherwise, you are family. Just sit sown with us and choose the best morsels before the kids eat them all.
> Alexa


You sound like an honorary Aussie.  You'd fit in well at a barby.
Food is the great melder of people.

.,,


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## alexacohen

. said:


> You sound like an honorary Aussie. You'd fit in well at a barby.
> Food is the great melder of people.
> 
> .,,


Yes. The only trouble with the Spanish-Aussie method is... if guests expect to be properly introduced to the food, they will end up eating the leftover lettuce - if any!
Alexa


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## .   1

A very common chant before a meal involving guests is,
"Two, four, six, eight, bog in, don't wait."
If you don't get that message you are left with lettuce.

.,,


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## flamesforever

In Canada, if you are hosting someone it is simply assumed that you will provide dinner for them, or at least treat them to a restaurant.  

It would seem very impolite if you simply gave them a list of suggested restaurants and sent them on their way... I think it would in any culture.  Perhaps your friends just need to brush up on their hosting skills


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## KaRiNe_Fr

I thought "hosting friends" always implied everywhere inviting them for dinner. Else it's not actually "hosting", or... they are not real "friends" (hence, guest).


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## liulia

Well, exactly. KaRiNe! I tend to assume that the whole point of a visit - or at least part of it - is spending time together (isn't that what friendship is about?), so I offer my friends opportunities to go off on their own, but I make myself available as much as possible! And we make plans together ("What would you like to do for lunch?"), on the assumption that we will have most meals together, probably at my place. If we go out for a meal, I am happy to let them pay at least once (depending on how long they stay!) if they offer to do so (which i would if the situation were reversed).


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## MarcoMac

Hi, I'm puzzled by what happened to you.

What keeps me scratching my head is this bit: 


birus said:


> The last time we had been at their house before, she had cooked a wonderful dinner for us. So, at least she knows "what it means" to have people for dinner.


This means you had been welcome guests for that couple before... this makes their later behaviour look really, really strange.

Are you sure you weren't catched in a cultural-linguistic gap? 
E.g.: You may have stumbled on a british courtesy form that looked like an invitation (but was just a figurative one). Then you accepted an "invite" never issued and they weren't able to find a polite way to let you know they were uncomfortable with that.
(I've always found Brits as being quite clever at hiding disappointement for their interlocutors' odds, but that's a two bladed axe:  they could have prevented you from catching that microscopic eyebrow lift, or that too mild a dismissive formula).
You may have - in total good faith - ended up with unknowingly impose yourselves to those guys and having them forcefully host you. 

If that was the misfortunate case... ouch! 
Italian habits are pretty much about caring and pampering guests, but remember there're occurrencies in which we use to say "the guest is like the fish: past 3 days he starts stinking". I think that there's a similar sentence in UK, too.

Of course I don't mean to make any kind of assumption on their behaving (excuse them) nor on your one (blaming you), just trying to find an explanation  for their odd, split-personality looking behaviour.


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## englishman

KaRiNe_Fr said:


> I thought "hosting friends" always implied everywhere inviting them for dinner. Else it's not actually "hosting", or... they are not real "friends" (hence, guest).



This is certainly the case, even among we stiff-upper-lipped, socially-repressed, dont-mention-the-war Brits. 

In my experience, this has nothing to do with any specific culture at all. I would guess that pretty much anywhere in the world, "friends to stay" = "food provided". The circumstances described by the original poster strike me as very, very strange and I'd guess, with further info, that they were merely unlucky and had met some wierdos.


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## .   1

englishman said:


> The circumstances described by the original poster strike me as very, very strange and I'd guess, with further info, that they were merely unlucky and had met some wierdos.


Yeah. My parents met some food nazis when when they travelled around the world. They met a Welsh couple and made the mistake of saying, "If you're ever in Australia just drop in." She had hardly unpacked when she received a letter to let her know that Pat and Tom were on the way and should be in Bateman's Bay by Wednesday.

Mum was gobsmacked but prepared them a room.

She was eaten out of house and home for three weeks. This pair paid for nothing and kept partly eaten fruit and bits of cheese and bread in their room. Mum had noticed food going missing but it was open house. She only found out when she cleaned their room after they left.

She was given a potted geranium in appreciation!

She became too busy for them to come again and now she has moved twice but she won't get bitten a second time.

There are none so strange as folk and the world is full of weirdos.

.,,


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## badgrammar

As my Dad would say, and of course, he is right, "People are no damned good", basically, "none so weird as folk" colloquially translated.  

Something was not entirely kosher (slang: understood) with that visit...


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## cirrus

I reckon badgrammar's take on this is the one I would have too.  I have just come back from staying at friends in Amsterdam. They are an English / Croatian couple.  Apparently in Sarajevo it is customary for people to not only feed you and give you somewhere to sleep but they would expect you to have their room. The way this translated in Amsterdam was they moved out of the flat while we were there so we could have some space.  

I found this a bit over the top but loved having the space.  It also makes me realise I am a crap guest - bringing wine, cheese and all sorts of goodies isn't feasible if you're doing a week on hand luggage alone. If I am visiting Brits abroad  what I tend to do is bring English books.


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