# a vase (poem)



## Xophmeister

Bună

I have only just started learning Romanian, but have a pretty good grasp of Italian/romance grammar (although I appreciate that Romanian is significantly different). Please bear with me!... I have translated a poem from English: I guarantee that it's pretty butchered, so was wondering if you could help me correct it? (Then, when my Romanian is better -- especially in terms of vocabulary -- I can tweak it to make it sound better.)

*English*A vase_dim_;
So perfectly shaped,
Brimming with bloom
Of the most rare.
​*My attempt at Romanian!*O vazică;
În formă de perfecţiune,
Este plin ochi în floare
Din cel mai rar.

​(Note that I didn't say it was a good poem!!)

Mulţumesc frumos


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## farscape

We have to do this in stages - first four verses for now.

O vazică; (_rather "văzuţă - but still sounds horrible, not  recommended; little vase works best_)
 În formă de perfecţiune, (_modelat__ă/cizelat__ă perfect_  -_ can't translate _so perfectly_ in Romanian_)
 (Este) plin*ă* ochi în floare (_de splendoare_*a*, if  bloom here is "a condition or time of vigor, freshness, and beauty")
 Din cel*a* mai rar*ă*.

Now to make it sound acceptable:

O mică vază
Cizelată perfect 
Plină de-o splendoare rară.

The English version is much better - sounds like poetry 

Later,


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## Xophmeister

Thank you, thank you, thank you 
Although I think you might be right: writing poetry requires high competence in the language, as a translation loses its sentiment... Let's see where this goes; but maybe, back to the drawing board!

Mulțumesc

P.S. Using 'bloom' to mean 'blossom'; as in 'the flowers are in bloom, now it's spring'... That said, I think I prefer your interpretation!


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## farscape

I struggled for a while with the bloom/blossom translation then I switched to splendour - as an image it worked better for me and I could translate it too 

Variation:

O mică vază
Cizelată perfect 
Radiînd o splendoare rară. (Radiating a rare splendour)


Later,


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## Xophmeister

I feel "filled with" is closer than "radiating": the flowers are a metaphor (well, a secondary metaphor), which is taken-up in later stanzas.
So, "cizelată" means something like "polished"; whereas "modelată" is "modelled"? Might "Modelată divin" be a good alternative?... Also, it would be nice to keep the superlative on the last line.

How about this for the first stanza?O mică vază;
Modelată divin,
Plină de-o splendoare
Din cea mai rară.​We're on a roll, now


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## hersko1

Hi,
This last attemp definitely sounds Romanian.
But I loved soooo much your first translation ! I really think poetry lets you write it your way.


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## Xophmeister

That's sweet. Thank you... The way I'm presenting this is English on the left, in blue, and Romanian on the right, in red; which leaves a gap in the middle for yellow. Methinks I shall fill this gap with my original translation, corrected for grammaticality.

Thanks all


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## farscape

> I feel "filled with" is closer than "radiating": the flowers are a  metaphor (well, a secondary metaphor), which is taken-up in later  stanzas.


I totally get the metaphor, but it's hard to translate them word for  word: when you say "brimming with joy" we say "radiînd/debordând de  bucurie".

Your "bloom" is our "în floare" and I can't say: something is filled  with "în floare" or "mica vază e în plină floare" followed by "de cea  mai rară". Or maybe I can?

O mică vază
(Modelată divin) - I like this and not quite
E în plină floare
Din cea mai rară - your poetic license

Not too shabby, if I say so myself. 



> So, "cizelată" means something like "polished"; whereas "modelată" is  "modelled"?


"A modela" is more like "to mould" and to model for an artist/designer.  If you want to get to perfection literally or figuratively you chisel  (cizela)at something

 I guess we'll have to stop here.

Later,


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