# I am too busy for you.



## mytwolangs

Well, this is about something that a couple French people have said to me...
and it is in English, but I really don't understand...
One guy - "..I am sorry, but I already have too many contacts, I cannot accept more".

A lady I used to talk to - "I have been busy, in Fact, I am busy with other contacts, we may have to make rendez-vous so we can chat..."

Here is what bothers me - BOTH instances, they said basically "I am too busy for you"

Is it acceptable to teel someone that? Is it an acceptable thing for French people to tell a friend - "I am too busy for you..."

This really bothers me. Silly to worry about someone online, but still...


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## shine

I tell people all the time i'm too busy to talk to them... not in a rude way, but politly. I don't see what the problem is?


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## mytwolangs

Well, the polite American thing to do would be to make up a better excuse. Not something along the lines of "I am too busy to deal with you".

Let us see if some American comes in and makes our culture look bad by saying "I tell people this all the time".


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## cuchuflete

Is it an acceptable thing to generalize from two statements?

No.


Why would a statement by "some American" make anyone's culture look bad?

Is there something wrong with direct statements by two individuals?


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## Paulfromitaly

You should wonder why your so called mate won't chat to you rather than questioning about how she's trying to make you understand it..
I don't think it's a French thing..I might do the same although I'm Italian.


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## curly

I tell people i'm too busy to talk to them quite often, by saying exactly what i'm doing so they know why i'm not talking and accept that they may do the same.


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## Sallyb36

I would explain why i am too busy, exactly what else i am doing.  I would never just say I am too busy and leave it at theat.


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## ElaineG

Are we talking about on-line chat or some other form of social intercourse?

I think the former requires a whole new set of rules, and we can't always be as polite as we would be in real life.  My computer used to fire up my chat programs whenever I turned it on, leading to the inconvenient result that my European friends would be IMing me at odd hours (for me, not them) (like if I quickly checked my e-mail on the way to bed) when I can't or don't want to chat.  

Also, people don't always respect busy signs or other notes, and you sometimes have to be dismissive.  

I screen my phone calls and only answer when I'm free to talk.  I'm starting to learn to do the same online.  But I do feel that the dynamics are different online, and that's why I'm curious to know the setting.


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## jabogitlu

True, but in the original example, these people said that they were talking to too many other people at the time to 'bother' with him/her.

I've had this problem too, but I am too polite to say "Hey, I just really can't talk to you right now."  Of course, this makes my conversations very laggy and ends up usually making people irritated or hurt because they feel I'm ignoring them.

I've ended up making 2-3 different screen names, one for real life friends, one for online friends, and a third for the times when I only feel like talking to a certain couple close friends.


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## Paulfromitaly

jabogitlu said:


> I've ended up making 2-3 different screen names, one for real life friends, one for online friends, and a third for the times when I only feel like talking to a certain couple close friends.



What's worse? telling someone you can't have a chat because you're busy or having 3 different screen names, i.e. ranking your friends??


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## Nunty

I feel terribly old-fashioned, but I use the same manners on- and off-line. Like Elaine, I screen calls when I can (in a monastery that's harder). I don't "appear" on-line for IM or Skype unless I have time to talk. In all cases, virtual and "real life" (but "virtual" is real, too...), if I am too busy, I would say something like, "I'd love to talk to you, but I'm swamped right now. Can we speak later?" I think that is true without being hurtful. 

If there is someone I would rather not chat with ever, ever again, most of these IM dealies have an "ignore" option so that you always appear offline to that person. If it's someone who has been obnoxious, obscene, whatever, I tell them "You said X, Y, Z and I told you that I am not willing to accept that. Please leave me alone." Then I just don't answer them at all. (*)




(*) In operant conditioning, intermittent reinforcement, positive or negative, tends to prolong, rather than extinguish (eliminate) undesirable behavior. To get someone to stop doing something _absence_ of reinforcement (zero response) is the most effective.


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## Etcetera

Nun-Translator said:


> I feel terribly old-fashioned, but I use the same manners on- and off-line. Like Elaine, I screen calls when I can (in a monastery that's harder). I don't "appear" on-line for IM or Skype unless I have time to talk. In all cases, virtual and "real life" (but "virtual" is real, too...), if I am too busy, I would say something like, "I'd love to talk to you, but I'm swamped right now. Can we speak later?" I think that is true without being hurtful.


I agree with Sister Claire. 
And I say the same when I am really busy. People usually understand and don't insist. 
I must confess that it happened once that I actually tell someone that I was too busy to meet with them while in fact I was more or less free. I didn't want to meet with them, but at the same time I didn't want to offend them.


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## Paulfromitaly

I personally don't find it impolite to be told by friends that they are busy; I'd rather call it frankness and it doesn't bother me.
Any time mates tell us they are busy we should have no reason not to believe them unless we have a guilty conscience and therefore we know they are deliberately shunning us..


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## shine

mytwolangs said:


> Well, the polite American thing to do would be to make up a better excuse. Not something along the lines of "I am too busy to deal with you".
> 
> Let us see if some American comes in and makes our culture look bad by saying "I tell people this all the time".


 
well I would rather tell the truth to my friends ie i'm busy studying, working etc than be told a lie! I don't just turn around and say 'i'm too busy now' rather bluntly, a little explanation and an apology comes in with the whole 'i'm very busy at the moment'
I dont consider it to be rude, but quite the opposite


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## KaRiNe_Fr

cuchuflete said:


> [...]
> Is there something wrong with direct statements by two individuals?


Count three now... as I'm too busy to answer this question...


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## panjabigator

I think it is OK.  I think many of us try and "save face" often and come up for ways to be polite.  In exam periods at school, it's perfectly normal to hear in a nutshell "I'm too busy for you."  Maybe you're not that great of a friend and they're prioritizing.  Or maybe they are just really busy.  What would really suck is if you ran into the busy person having fun with others.  Grumble grumble!


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## Etcetera

Well, well, well, and why should we think that when our friend tells us that they are busy, they're in fact simply trying to avoid hurting us?! 
We all have exams, bosses, relatives. We have things to do. And sometimes we do have too much things to do. It's perfectly normal. 

When I have to say to somebody that I'm too busy at the moment, I usually explain that I have to prepare for an exam, go to work, etc. And/or I say that I'm very sorry and I'll surely call my friend when I'm free. 



> What would really suck is if you ran into the busy person having fun with others.  Grumble grumble!


Happened to me once.
I laughed and decided that I don't need such friends.


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## cuchuflete

KaRiNe_Fr said:


> Count three now... as I'm too busy to answer this question...



If I weren't so busy, I would use all three data points to start a new stereotype about French people.  

@ @
—​


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## KaRiNe_Fr

cuchuflete said:


> If I weren't so busy, I would use all three data points to start a new stereotype about French people.
> 
> @ @
> —​


That was my point. Even three or ten or thousands or...etc not suffice to generalize... And what is considered rude for someone could be considered frank for another one.


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## palomnik

The first thing that struck me when I read the topic of this thread was "what kind of relationship do I currently have with the person I'm talking to?"

Was this an initial contact, or are you dealing with somebody that you have already corresponded with for at least a short time?  To me that would make an immense difference in determining whether or not this was an impolite reply or not.  How about it, mytwolangs?


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## Mei

Hi all there,

I think that what bothers is not the "I'm too busy" I think that what offend is that "to you". If I'm connected to Messenger (or whatever) and I can't talk I will say "I'm too busy" but not only for you, I'm busy for everybody.

My 2 cents. 

Mei


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## Siberia

Isn't it enough to say: "I'm sorry, I can't talk to you just now as I'm already speaking to someone and I can't multitask.  I'll talk to you again or just later."  A sort of a gradual but not brusque let down.  If then they insist be clear and blunt!


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## mytwolangs

palomnik said:


> The first thing that struck me when I read the topic of this thread was "what kind of relationship do I currently have with the person I'm talking to?"
> 
> Was this an initial contact, or are you dealing with somebody that you have already corresponded with for at least a short time? To me that would make an immense difference in determining whether or not this was an impolite reply or not. How about it, mytwolangs?


 
Well we had spoken quite a bit. 
We have all had those contacts that we talk to once or twice and if dies, no big deal. Her and I have spoken a lot, a few months, and usually about 3 times a week. [You can tell I have a life]
I thought about it more, I sent her a letter of apology. I had to swallow my pride [and damn did it taste horrible.]

Sorry to bother you guys with this, I am starting to sound emo.


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