# je laisse aux autres ce que je cherchais



## Schlabberlatz

_Maroussia_, by Marko Vovtchok (nom de plume de Maria Aleksandrovna Vilinska) and P. J. Stahl (nom de plume de Pierre-Jules Hetzel). It’s set in the 17th century, in about 1658. The Ukraine is fighting for its independence. An old woman says that all her sons have died in battle, but the Ukraine still has not gained its freedom.


> — Ah ! disait une jeune femme, on se fait tuer et l'on n'a encore rien gagné. Si encore on pouvait se dire : « *Je meurs, mais je laisse aux autres ce que je cherchais…* »  La vieille femme l'interrompit :  « Tu ne m'as pas comprise. […]
> Maroussia / par P.-J. Stahl, d'après une légende de Markowovzok ; dessins par Th. Schuler ; gravures par Pannemaker | Gallica


Bonjour les connaisseurs,

the young woman is interrupted by the old woman, so is the sentence « Je meurs, mais je laisse aux autres ce que je cherchais… » incomplete?

My try:
_If only one could say to oneself: "I’m dying, and what I have strived for I’ll leave to others now to complete…"_
I don’t know whether this is good English, but elegance of expression is not so important here. The main thing is: I’d like to understand the sentence. Does she say other Ukrainians should continue the fight? It does not make much sense, I guess, so…:
My second try:
_If only one could say to oneself: "I’m dying, and what I wanted I’ll leave to others now…"_
Let’s stop fighting, let the Russians or the Poles rule our country. We don’t stand a chance of winning.

(The old woman contradicts her: You have misunderstood me. One must not hesitate when one’s country is in danger. Fighting to protect it is everybody’s duty etc.)


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## moustic

Schlabberlatz said:


> My try:
> _If only one could say to oneself: "I’m dying, and what I have strived for I’ll leave to others now to complete…"
> ..._
> My second try:
> _If only one could say to oneself: "I’m dying, and what I wanted I’ll leave to others now…"_


We don't have enough context to help you here. Both tries could fit the bill.
Or even something a little vague like:
..._ I'll let others have what I was looking for.._.


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## Schlabberlatz

Thanks! 


moustic said:


> We don't have enough context to help you here.


Really?  


Schlabberlatz said:


> It’s set in the 17th century, in about 1658. The Ukraine is fighting for its independence. An old woman says that all her sons have died in battle, but the Ukraine still has not gained its freedom.


Then the young woman says what she says, and after that:
La vieille femme l'interrompit :  « Tu ne m'as pas comprise. […] (see the quotation in #1).


Schlabberlatz said:


> (The old woman contradicts her: You have misunderstood me. One must not hesitate when one’s country is in danger. Fighting to protect it is everybody’s duty etc.)


I’ll add the original quote:


> « Tu ne m'as pas comprise. Quand il s'agit de la patrie, on ne marchande pas, on ne se dit pas : « Réussirai-je? » mais : « C'est mon devoir, » et on se jette dans la mêlée. Si on est tué, on est bien mort ; c'est un meilleur sort que de mal vivre. […]
> Maroussia / par P.-J. Stahl, d'après une légende de Markowovzok ; dessins par Th. Schuler ; gravures par Pannemaker | Gallica


What else do you need to know? I’ll gladly answer your questions 

Maybe a native speaker could shed light on this? @Nicomon @Nanon @Michelvar ? Merci d’avance  I guess what makes it difficult to understand for me is the « Je meurs, *mais*… »


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## moustic

Yes, you provided plenty of context. What I should have said is that the text still remains rather cryptic (not your fault!) and we can't help you to decide which translation is best.

For me, the character is talking about dying and passing on the quest. Someone else will inherit the job of searching for a solution.


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## Schlabberlatz

moustic said:


> What I should have said is that the text still remains rather cryptic (not your fault!) and we can't help you to decide which translation is best.


Thanks!  I agree. As I’ve said before, the « Je meurs, mais… » makes it difficult, maybe even cryptic.


moustic said:


> For me, the character is talking about dying and passing on the quest. Someone else will inherit the job of searching for a solution.


Yes, let’s wait and see


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## Bezoard

Your second try is good, except that "and" should be "but".
"Mais" sounds quite logical here. It is an opposition between the sadness of dying and the joy of leaving to others what  I had been looking for.


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## Schlabberlatz

Bezoard said:


> "Mais" sounds quite logical here. It is an opposition between the sadness of dying and the joy of leaving to others what I had been looking for.


Thanks a lot! 


Schlabberlatz said:


> Yes, let’s wait and see


It’s been a _short_ wait.


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## Nicomon

Hello,

For the record...  _Maroussia_ was  translated to English.
The English version  - I don't know if there are more than one -  is on *this page*.
More specifically on page 12. 





> Ah ! ” said a young woman , “ our friends are killed and nothing yet is gained by it . If one could only say to oneself : ' I die , but I leave to others that for which I fought. "


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## Schlabberlatz

Thanks a lot!  It’s also available at archive.org (I’ve just found it by googling the English title of the book):


> “ Ah ! ” said a young woman, “ our friends
> are killed and nothing yet is gained by it. If
> one could only say to oneself : ‘ I die, but I
> leave to others that for which I fought. ’ ”
> Full text of "Maroussia: A Maid Of Ukraine"


It’s always good to have a translation, and next time I will consult the translation first; but those old translations are often rather loose and it’s not uncommon to find translation mistakes in them. So maybe I’ll have to come back here for more questions about _Maroussia_.


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## moustic

Thanks for the translation, Nico 

A very formal language is used in the English translation, more so than the French version I think.


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## Nicomon

Schlabberlatz said:


> those old translations are often rather loose and it’s not uncommon to find translation mistakes in them


 True, but then the book - first published in Russian in 1871, and adapted to French a few years later  -  isn't exactly new either.
@ moustic :
I agree that the language sounds more formal than the French, but as a francophone, I can confirm that the meaning is there.
We don't know if the quoted  French sentence is a revised version of the original, or not. 

Note :   I added a specification to my previous post,  to say that the extract is on page *12*.


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## Schlabberlatz

Nicomon said:


> We don't know if the quoted French sentence is a revised version of the original, or not.


It is a revised version:
It says on the title page:
PAR P. J. STAHL
D'APRÈS UNE LÉGENDE DE MARKO WOVZOG
Maroussia / par P.-J. Stahl, d'après une légende de Markowovzok ; dessins par Th. Schuler ; gravures par Pannemaker | Gallica

They even have Hetzel’s manuscript:
Pierre-Jules Hetzel. Papiers. II — ŒUVRES D'HETZEL, PSEUDONYME P.-J. STAHL. XCIX-CI Maria Markovitch. Maroussia. XCIX Manuscrit autographe. | Gallica :
« L’arbre même des chapitres a été ça et là modifié. »

There’s a new translation of the original, maybe I’ll buy it:
MAROUSSIA - Texte inédit de Marko Vovtchok et fac-similé de P. J. Stahl.                                                          Présentés par Iryna Dmytrychyn - livre, ebook, epub - idée lecture été


> Cette édition confronte le texte français de la _Maroussia_ de M. Vovtchok, inédit et inconnu du public, et le roman de P. J. Stahl donné ici en fac-similé de l'édition originale.






> « _J'y ai mis autant de moi que j'ai laissé de vous, il est bien à nous deux et de nous deux._ » écrira Hetzel à Marko Vovtchok à propos de _Maroussia_, dans une lettre du 3 août 187510. Nonobstant la déclamation d'Hetzel, Marko Vovtchok percevra trois fois moins de droits d'auteur que lui11. Cela n'empêchera pas leur collaboration de se poursuivre jusqu'en 1905. L'éditeur français fait d'elle la représentante de la maison Hetzel en Russie et lui confie la traduction en russe et en ukrainien des romans de Jules Verne.
> Maroussia — Wikipédia


Nonobstant la déclamation d'Hetzel, Marko Vovtchok percevra trois fois moins de droits d'auteur que lui :
Probably that’s not fair, but Hetzel also had to pay Théophile Schuler for the illustrations.


archive.org has the complete English text (OCR) Full text of "Maroussia: A Maid Of Ukraine"
and you can also look at the scanned original pages Maroussia: A Maid Of Ukraine : Stahl, P.-J., 1814-1886 : Free Download, Borrow, and Streaming : Internet Archive
Thanks again for pointing out the existence of an English translation.


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## ain'ttranslationfun?

"Although I die, others will pick up the torch/ ... will carry on the fight." ? (Too loose?)


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## Schlabberlatz

Thanks! 


ain'ttranslationfun? said:


> "Although I die, others will pick up the torch/ ... will carry on the fight." ? (Too loose?)


I don’t know. This seems to be close to my first try, but:


Bezoard said:


> Your second try is good, except that "and" should be "but".





Schlabberlatz said:


> My second try:
> _If only one could say to oneself: "I’m dying, and what I wanted I’ll leave to others now…"_
> Let’s stop fighting, let the Russians or the Poles rule our country. We don’t stand a chance of winning.


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## Nanon

Schlabberlatz said:


> those old translations are often rather loose and it’s not uncommon to find translation mistakes in them.


Indeed!
The XIX century French version is an adaptation rather than a translation. The Russian text is quite different. For those interested, I found it here: Просмотр документа - dlib.rsl.ru
@Schlabberlatz , if you manage to buy the new French translation and compare it to the old one, you may get some surprises such as added or missing sentences. The part you are asking about is one of them (maybe it is somewhere else in the book - I just read until page 6, that +/- corresponds to French page 12) - or maybe it doesn't exist at all). Instead of delivering a patriotic speech (_Tu ne m'as pas comprise. Quand il s'agit de la patrie, on ne marchande pas, etc..._), the old lady begins to say something but her lips shivers and she stays silent... The beginning of the book is also different, with some details on Ukrainian history intended for French readers.


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## Schlabberlatz

Thanks!  Yes, that’s interesting, and it’s a confirmation of the information I found about Hetzel’s changes to the original work.
« _*J'y ai mis autant de moi* que j'ai laissé de vous, il est bien à nous deux et de nous deux._ » écrira Hetzel à Marko Vovtchok à propos de _Maroussia_
(see #12).


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## Schlabberlatz

Nanon said:


> if you manage to buy the new French translation


Maybe I misunderstood it. I think it’s possible that someone translated it back then (c. 1875) for Hetzel, who I believe didn’t know Ukrainian or Russian. Hetzel then took this translation and adapted it for the French market. (That was not unusual at all in the old days, quite to the contrary. Adapting was the usual way.) Maybe this old translation survived in the archives and was re-discovered in 2008 or so and then published.


> Cette édition confronte le texte français de la _Maroussia_ de M. Vovtchok, inédit et inconnu du public, […]


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## Nicomon

The (1890) translation to English that I found is from PJ Stahl's  French adapt' of 1878 not the original Russian text.


> _Maroussia_ : _a maid of Ukraine_ / from the French of P. J. Stahl [i.e. P. J. Hetzel] ; by _Cornelia W. Cyr_.


 And I maintain that the meaning was well rendered.

What I meant to say is that I don't know if there are several French versions (with words changed) of  Stahl's initial French adapt.


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## Schlabberlatz

Nicomon said:


> What I meant to say is that I don't know if there are several French versions (with words changed) of Stahl's initial French adapt.


I have quoted Stahl’s original version  see the link in #1: Maroussia / par P.-J. Stahl, d'après une légende de Markowovzok ; dessins par Th. Schuler ; gravures par Pannemaker | Gallica (it’s the book version including the beautiful illustrations).

There were two pre-publications:


> _Maroussia_ paraît d'abord dans le journal _Le Temps_, du 15 décembre 1875 au 9 janvier 1876, puis en 1878 dans le journal illustré d'Hetzel, _Magasin d'éducation et de récréation_, […]
> Maroussia — Wikipédia


The book version that I quoted from also came out in 1878. There may be some small differences between these three versions, but I’d be surprised if there were any major ones. And I think it’s unlikely that Hetzel (the adaptor, publisher and copyright holder) brought out any revised versions up to 1890. Well, up to 1886, to be more precise; 1886 is the year of his death. But I also doubt that his son Louis-Jules, who took over from him, brought out any revised versions in the years before 1890.

Wikipédia lists some abridged versions; the first of them was published in 1926:
Maroussia — Wikipédia


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## Nicomon

Schlabberlatz said:


> (it’s the book version including the beautiful illustrations).


 Thanks for confirming.  I should have clicked on your link.
The English version that I found / quoted includes the same illustrations.  I'll just copy the cover. 

Source : Maroussia : a Maid of Ukraine


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## Schlabberlatz

Nicomon said:


> The English version that I found / quoted includes the same illustrations.


Are you sure? Can you see the full pages? I can only see snippets on Google Books.

I can see the full pages on archive.org (no illustrations). (Sometimes they just do not include the illustrations when they scan the books, but I think that happens only rarely.) (One other thing that can be confusing: Books were sometimes published back then with illustrations « hors-texte ». This made it easy to re-publish it later as a cheaper edition without illustrations: They didn’t have to change the page numbers because the pages containing the illustrations didn’t have any page numbers.)


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## Nicomon

Schlabberlatz said:


> Can you see the full pages?


  I can, yes.    Could be because I found it on Google.ca, since I'm in Quebec / Canada.

You may want to try this link : Maroussia : a Maid of Ukraine - Google Play


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## Schlabberlatz

Nicomon said:


> I can, yes. Could be because I found it on Google.ca, since I'm in Quebec / Canada.


Ah yes, that has to be the reason. I can’t see it on Google Play, either. I also tried to access it using VPN, but that doesn’t work, either. Anyways, the version on archive.org obviously has the same text and is from the same publisher… and I can look at all the original illustrations in the printed book I have. (The French version; a reprint from about 1900; a Hetzel original, very nice, and it only cost about 10 € plus shipping.)


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## Nanon

@Schlabberlatz , the Dmytrychyn version is indeed a new translation. An interesting point is that Hetzel was Alsatian and he somehow intended to transpose the recent history of Alsace-Lorraine. This explains why those Ukrainian women sound like Erckmann-Chatrian... 


> Ici, il faut faire état de la remarquable analyse d’Iryna Dmytrychyn sur le plagiat de Maroussia par Stahl. La traductrice précise que c’est Tourgueniev lui-même qui a présenté l’auteure à l’éditeur mais ce dernier fait l’œuvre sienne en la remaniant. La petite Maroussia reste une fillette ukrainienne, amie des Cosaques qui veulent libérer le pays écartelé entre les emprises polonaises et russes, mais l’histoire française devient une longue fable. Derrière l’Ukraine, il faut lire l’Alsace et la Lorraine envahie par la Prusse ; derrière Maroussia, il faut voir une petite Alsacienne. Iryna Dmytrychyn nous précise que Tourgueniev s’insurge contre ce plagiat. Quelques années plus tard, les rééditions feront amende honorable et Stahl rendra honneur à « Markowovzok ». Source: Maroussia, œuvre ukrainienne de Marko Vovtchok réécrite en France


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## Schlabberlatz

Schlabberlatz said:


> I can see the full pages on archive.org (no illustrations).


Correction: It has a few illustrations, but not all of them, and it is probably the very same scan that is on Google Books, see here: Maroussia: A Maid Of Ukraine : Stahl, P.-J., 1814-1886 : Free Download, Borrow, and Streaming : Internet Archive and here: Maroussia: A Maid Of Ukraine : Stahl, P.-J., 1814-1886 : Free Download, Borrow, and Streaming : Internet Archive



Nanon said:


> the Dmytrychyn version is indeed a new translation.


Thanks for pointing that out!



> Derrière l’Ukraine, il faut lire l’Alsace et la Lorraine envahie par la Prusse ;


Sounds convincing. Hetzel dedicated the book to Théophile Schuler’s daughter:


> A ALSA  Enfant de l'Alsace, à  ALSA  Fille de Théophile Schuler, je dédie cette édition illustrée dont les dessins  sont la dernière œuvre  de son père.  P.-J. STAHL.
> Maroussia / par P.-J. Stahl, d'après une légende de Markowovzok ; dessins par Th. Schuler ; gravures par Pannemaker | Gallica






Nanon said:


> This explains why those Ukrainian women sound like Erckmann-Chatrian...


Jules Verne, Hetzel’s most successful author, also mimicked them a few years later:
Le Chemin de France — Wikipédia
(But it’s not among his best works. I recommend Les Cinq Cents Millions de la Bégum — Wikipédia instead, another novel inspired by the Prussian invasion, and written in collaboration with Paschal Grousset.)



> … ce plagiat. Quelques années plus tard, les rééditions feront amende honorable et Stahl rendra honneur à « Markowovzok ».


That is not true. It was not any plagiarism. Look at the feuilleton from 1875, the very first publication of the French version by Stahl. It clearly says D’après une légende russe [sic!] de Markowovzok:





Le Temps | 1875-12-15 | Gallica
I bet that even the very first edition of the book version mentioned Marko Wovzok.
The pay for the writer probably should have been better, but Hetzel respected copyrights – even though these had been introduced only a few years before AFAIK.


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## tswsots

Schlabberlatz said:


> « Je meurs, mais je laisse aux autres ce que je cherchais… »





Nicomon said:


> Ah ! ” said a young woman , “ our friends are killed and nothing yet is gained by it . If one could only say to oneself : ' I die , but I leave to others that for which I fought. "



Just wanted to say that the English translation seems apt to me... She wishes she could be sure of success and know that her sacrifice won't be futile: that an independent Ukraine will be her legacy.


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## Schlabberlatz

tswsots said:


> Just wanted to say that the English translation seems apt to me... I understand something like: "My sacrifice is my legacy."


Thanks!  But I still hope that my second try is good.


Bezoard said:


> Your second try is good, except that "and" should be "but".
> "Mais" sounds quite logical here. It is an opposition between the sadness of dying and the joy of leaving to others what I had been looking for.





Schlabberlatz said:


> My second try:
> _If only one could say to oneself: "I’m dying, and what I wanted I’ll leave to others now…"_
> Let’s stop fighting, let the Russians or the Poles rule our country. We don’t stand a chance of winning.


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## tswsots

Sorry, I shouldn't have edited: didn't expect a rapid response! 

I like your English translation, but I dispute the explanation underneath... I don't think she means "We don't stand a chance of winning," but rather, "I wish I could be sure we were going to win!"


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## Schlabberlatz

tswsots said:


> Sorry, I shouldn't have edited: didn't expect a rapid response!


That’s OK; I often edit, too.


tswsots said:


> She wishes she could be sure of success and know that her sacrifice won't be futile: that an independent Ukraine will be her legacy.





tswsots said:


> but I dispute the explanation underneath... I don't think she means "We don't stand a chance of winning," but rather, "I wish I could be sure we were going to win!"


I thought she simply imagines what a dying soldier could say. Can you look at the context again? The old woman talks about her sons, who have all died in the war, and then the young woman says…
… and the old woman answers: You have misunderstood me etc.


> « Tu ne m'as pas comprise. Quand il s'agit de la patrie, on ne marchande pas, on ne se dit pas : « Réussirai-je? » mais : « C'est mon devoir, » et on se jette dans la mêlée. Si on est tué, on est bien mort ; c'est un meilleur sort que de mal vivre. […]
> Maroussia / par P.-J. Stahl, d'après une légende de Markowovzok ; dessins par Th. Schuler ; gravures par Pannemaker | Gallica


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## tswsots

Oh, okay! Yes, you're right, she's imagining what a soldier would say... Let me try again (because I still don't agree with your "let the Russians and Poles have it" idea)...

"We're getting killed and we haven't gained anything by it yet. If only we could still say, 'I may die, but I will be leaving behind what I sought'" (i. e., an independent Ukraine).

"You misunderstood me. When it's about the fatherland, you don't bargain, you don't ask, 'Will I succeed?'"


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## Schlabberlatz

tswsots said:


> "We're getting killed and we haven't gained anything by it yet. If only we could still say, 'I may die, but I will be leaving behind what I sought'" (i. e., an independent Ukraine).


But why would the old woman contradict her in that case? That does not seem to make much sense to me.
Old woman:  on ne se dit pas : « Réussirai-je? » mais : « C'est mon devoir, » et on se jette dans la mêlée.
It seems to me the young woman must have said something along the lines of "Let’s stop the fighting!" and the old woman then contradicts her.


tswsots said:


> I may die


She says "Je meurs". I don’t think that means "I may die".


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## tswsots

My take (which is definitely not authoritative!) is that the old woman is chiding her for thinking the deaths are in vain unless they win. She thinks the deaths are honorable no matter the outcome.

I took a liberty with "I may die," I know it's not exact. But "I die" is not very natural in English unless it's quite literary, and other folks were saying the English was more formal than the French... "Although I'm dying, I'm leaving...." if you prefer.


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## Schlabberlatz

tswsots said:


> My take (which is definitely not authoritative!) is that the Old Woman is chiding her for thinking the deaths are in vain unless they win. She thinks the deaths are honorable no matter the outcome.


OK, I think you may be right! 


> *b)*Abandonner après sa mort.
> […]
> ♦ _Laisser des manuscrits, une fortune, un héritage, un nom._ _Un médecin de Châlons (...) mort il y a une dizaine d'années en laissant une grande réputation dans les départements de l'est _(Goncourt, _Journal,_1895, p. 846)._ Il n'a pas tardé à mourir en laissant quelque douze cents francs _(Barrès, _Cahiers, _t. 7, 1908, p. 81).
> LAISSER : Définition de LAISSER


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## tartopom

To me the idea is
 Young lady: – If at least we could say 'When we die we'll be leaving ...'


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## Schlabberlatz

Thanks!  So you agree with tswsots? It’s about a legacy to the others = the other Ukrainians,
not about leaving the country to the others = Russians or Poles?

There’s another translation into English, also found by Nicomon:
et le fait est qu'ils dormaient encore
:


> "Ah," said a young women [sic!], "our men
> are killed, and yet nothing is gained. If
> they might only say, I die, but I leave to
> others that which I die for — "
> National repository, devoted to general and religious literature, criticism, and art : Curry, Daniel, 1809-1887, [from old catalog] ed : Free Download, Borrow, and Streaming : Internet Archive


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## lentulax

Schlabberlatz said:


> So you agree with tswsots?



I certainly do (and with Nicomon's briefer earlier response to the same effect, #8). It seems to be the natural way to read it, following the logic of the dialogue.


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## Schlabberlatz

lentulax said:


> I certainly do (and with Nicomon's briefer earlier response to the same effect, #8). It seems to be the natural way to read it, following the logic of the dialogue.


Thanks! 
Still I wonder… wouldn’t it have to be "to *the* others" instead of just "to others"?



> “ Ah ! ” said a young woman, “ our friends
> are killed and nothing yet is gained by it. If
> one could only say to oneself : ‘ I die, but I
> leave to others that for which I fought. ’ ”
> Full text of "Maroussia: A Maid Of Ukraine"





> "Ah," said a young women [sic!], "our men
> are killed, and yet nothing is gained. If
> they might only say, I die, but I leave to
> others that which I die for — "
> National repository, devoted to general and religious literature, criticism, and art : Curry, Daniel, 1809-1887, [from old catalog] ed : Free Download, Borrow, and Streaming : Internet Archive


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## lentulax

Schlabberlatz said:


> Still I wonder… wouldn’t it have to be "to *the* others" instead of just "to others"?



No - 'aux autres'='to others' is standard.


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## Schlabberlatz

lentulax said:


> No - 'aux autres'='to others' is standard.


Thanks!  OK, I wouldn’t have expected it, but I’ll have to accept it.


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## Nicomon

@ Schlabberlatz  :  If both translators wrote  "to others",  I think we can safely assume they can't both be wrong. 

That said...  _to others = *à d'*autres_ in some contexts


> *‘Others’ vs. ‘the others’*
> 
> Both are pronouns, that is, they stand for a noun. ‘Others’ is more vague, we are not determining how many others, or which other ones. ‘The others’ is more specific; it stands for _*all*_ the rest.
> _- Some people prefer vanilla ice cream. *Others *prefer chocolate._ (It’s vague. We are not specifying how many others.)
> - Some people decided to go to the beach. *The others* stayed at home. (All the rest. The ones that didn’t go to the beach.)


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## Schlabberlatz

Nicomon said:


> @ Schlabberlatz : If both translators wrote "to others", I think we can safely assume they can't both be wrong.


Thanks!  Yes, as I’ve said before, I’ll have to accept it.

(Still:


> ‘Others’ is more vague, we are not determining how many others […] (It’s vague. We are not specifying how many others.)


It just seems to me that in this case the speaker means *specific* people. "I’m leaving it to all the rest (= *my countrymen*)." That’s the cause of my doubt.)


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## tswsots

"To the others" is not impossible. But I might expect it to be followed by a precision: "to the others -- the survivors"; "to the others -- the ones who fought by my side." "To the others -- my friends." Something like that. 

If we stick with the vaguer "others," it keeps the idea that she doesn't know who will be around after the war, or possibly in future generations.


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## tartopom

Schlabberlatz said:


> So you agree with tswsots? It’s about a legacy to the others = the other Ukrainians,


Yes, I do. I agree with tswsots.
I think she's grossed out by life; indeed she can see her people has been killed / has died for nothing. And it's the same for her who is dying for nothing = 'on se fait tuer et l'on a rien gagné. Instead of leaving to others - the other Ukrainians- an independent country = 'ce que je cherchais', all these dead people have served no purpose. Their death is pointless.


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