# あなた and intimacy level



## Weatherly

The English "you" can be used freely without a change in intimacy in most situations.

When the speaker and listener have an intimate relationship, what is the general rule regarding when to use the listener's name vs あなた

For example, Aさん is the speaker, who has an intimate relationship withＢさん, the listener

私にとっての美しくない景色はＢにとっての美しい景色だった。
私にとっての美しくない景色はあなたにとっての美しい景色だった。

話そうとして無視してたのＢだよ。
話そうとして無視してたのあなただよ。

Ｂ寝なさいよ。
あなた寝なさいよ。

Are there differences in the intimacy level with these sentences?

Another distinction from the English "you" ought to be that in Japanese, there are contexts where Bさん's name can be used instead of あなた even when talking to Ｂさん. Whereas in English, this distinguishes the third-person context.


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## SoLaTiDoberman

Hi,
Regarding Japanese, you should consider the difference between feminine wording and masculine wording.
Therefore, you should show us whether Aさん is the woman and the Bさん is a man.


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## Weatherly

Good point, for example, let's say Aさん is a male, and Bさん is a female

By the way, it is my understanding that 私 is a neutral term, but there is some feminine nuance. 

From my example alone, does Aさん sound like a male, or female?


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## frequency

Weatherly said:


> what is the general rule regarding when to use the listener's name vs あなた


That depends on personal preference. One may use あなた often, but one may not. You ask me if I used あなた today? No. I won't call my boss あなた forever, but I might do when I get angry with him seriously. My workmate is speaking on the phone and saying あなた!, because he wants to distinguish or emphasise "*I* did it, *you* did it."



> Are there differences in the intimacy level with these sentences?


In 2, if you use あなた, you sound angrier. I mean that you're cold to him or her. In 3 あなた and B can be 呼びかけ. If so, they're almost the same. In 1, if you use あなた you sound more serious. あなた might work to show your seriousness.



> there are contexts where Bさん's name can be used instead of あなた even when talking to Ｂさん. Whereas in English, this distinguishes the third-person context.


Yes, you're quite right.


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## Weatherly

frequency said:


> In 2, if you use あなた, you sound angrier. I mean that you're cold to him or her. In 3 あなた and B can be 呼びかけ. If so, they're almost the same. In 1, if you use あなた you sound more serious. あなた might work to show your seriousness.


It is difficult for me to understand conceptually because I am an English speaker.

Based off what you described:
あなた has all the properties of the English "you," however, because there is always the option to address Bさん by name, it becomes somehow less direct than calling Bさん あなた.


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## frequency

Weatherly said:


> because there is always the option to address Bさん by name, becomes somehow less direct than calling Bさん あなた.


Yes, roughly.

In my opinion, あなた is something that really makes us shy to say. I'm rather "the person who has a thicker skin on the face", so I think I use あなた a bit more often than other Japanese people. But I think there are a lot of people who are shy about using it. And using ～さん, ～ちゃん、instead of あなた is an effective way to avoid あなた for us.


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## frequency

..I forgot to say,
I think you hear ～さん、～ちゃん instead of あなた more often in various cases. Generally speaking, using a name can show intimacy.

But let's consider this case: I call my best friend ～ちゃん usually, not using あなた. Suddenly I say あなた to her? That's your example 2.
"Default setting" in a relationship, like how I call the best friend, defines how you use either one.
In the relationship with the friends, for me, to use あなた indicates "the different condition/status to our usual one"―thus my anger if in 2, for example. An emergent or unusual situation.

Note that your 1 is a bit writing/description unlike 2. Two is conversation/argument. So they're a bit different.


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## Weatherly

On a related note, does the intimacy level shift between　私たち

Assume A and B have an intimate relationship,

私たちはたくさんの思い出を作ったんだね
Ｂとたくさんの思い出を作ったんだね
あなたとたくさんの思い出を作ったんだね

Are the intimacy levels different across these examples?


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## Weatherly

As an analogy, the above in English is similar to

We've certainly made a lot of memories (That we made them together is a reasonable *assumption*)
Not possible in English
You and I have certainly made a lot of memories together. (That we made memories together is stated as fact)


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## frequency

Weatherly said:


> 私たちはたくさんの思い出を作ったんだね
> Ｂとたくさんの思い出を作ったんだね


Good. They're both natural and native. Equally interchangeable, so the level must be equal.


> あなたとたくさんの思い出を作ったんだね


If somebody who usually don't call me (=frequency) あなた says this one, I think: "Oh lol what happened to him? Calling me あなた..Does he want to borrow money from me?"

I'd say the level would _generally_ be lower than the first two. あなた may show politeness, in addition to seriousness.



> Not possible in English


Yes, you're talking about a different person.


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