# To share or not to share: table sharing in cafés and restaurants?



## Sidjanga

Hi everyone,

  When you go to a café o restaurant, you go in and all tables are occupied, in Germany this I no reason for you to leave and look for another place. It is usually no problem at all and actually quite common to just ask people at a table with a few free chairs if you may sit down at "their" table, and rarely people will object and say no.

  Nevertheless, this does not necessarily imply that you (nor they) are interested in having a conversation, and much less are you socially obliged or strongly recommended to do so.
Depending on sympathy and other factors -or their absence-, there may be something like an "invisible curtain", and each group may act almost as though the others weren't there.
  But obviously, if –for whatever reason- you start (successfully ) talking to them, you might just as well "end up" having a lovely and interesting conversation, and make new friends.

  The disposition of people at the same table (who did not know each other before) to talk to each other –or the probability of this happening- depends very much on the type of place:
It's much less likely in *cafés** than in restaurants or especially bars ("Kneipen").

  In short: You (normally) may sit down at a table where there's already been sitting someone, but this does not necessarily mean that you are interested in a conversation. De a priori, it's just sharing space.

  Many people from other countries who come to Germany are very surprised or even shocked by this custom/normality, both by the fact that sitting down at somebody else's table is possible and does not mean that you are breaking into their privacy (especially in restaurants), and also that, doing so, you do not necessarily "authorise" the other person(s) to maybe telling you "the story of their life(s)" or to have whatever other conversation with you. 
 [on the other hand, many Germans might not be aware of things being possibly different in other countries]
What is normal/possible/accepted/expected/.. in this context in your country/region?
.
  Have you experienced any (intercultural) misunderstandings in this context?
.
 If in your country/region it is not usual to sit down at tables where there's already sitting someone, how would you react if a stranger did so or asked you if hi might?
Feel free to answer in English or Spanish.

Saludos
________
***which in Germany are often something between a "salon de té" and a living room, where many people go to relax, read, have a cup of coffee or tee by their themselves, or to be with (few) close friends


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## PABLO DE SOTO

Sentarse en una mesa con desconocidos no es habitual en España.
Los españoles no tenemos costumbre de sentarnos en la mesa ocupada por otros.
Sólo recuerdo una vez en Sevilla en que unos extranjeros que hablaban alemán, se sentaron en la mesa que yo ocupaba en una terraza y me quede atónito. Yo y mi acompañante no supimos ni cómo reaccionar de tan extraño que nos pareció el hecho.
Sin embargo, en Austria, me sucedió que una chica que iba sola nos pidió permiso para sentarse en nuestra mesa en alemán, que yo sólo entiendo a medias, y nos quedamos tan cortados que le dijimos que no, a lo que puso mala cara.
Al no estar seguro de que lo que estaba pidiendo, la remitimos al camarero, que le buscó otra mesa.

Sharing a table with unknown people is not usual in Spain.
I would say that nobody does it.
I remember once in Seville ,some German speaking people sat at "my" table and I was so astonished that I did not know what to do or say in that unexpected situation, but years later I was in a popular restaurant in Vienna, all tables occupied, and a girl asked us to share our table, but my German is too poor and I was not sure to understand what she asked, so we said "no, please ask the waiter" and she walked away with an angry face.


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## Pedro y La Torre

It isn't common in Ireland but I've seen it happen before, especially if a place is really packed.


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## sokol

PABLO DE SOTO said:


> Sin embargo, en Austria, me sucedió que una chica que iba sola nos pidió permiso para sentarse en nuestra mesa en alemán, que yo sólo entiendo a medias, y nos quedamos tan cortados que le dijimos que no, a lo que puso mala cara.
> Al no estar seguro de que lo que estaba pidiendo, la remitimos al camarero, que le buscó otra mesa.
> (...) but years later I was in a popular restaurant in Vienna, all tables occupied, and a girl asked us to share our table, but my German is too poor and I was not sure to understand what she asked, so we said "no, please ask the waiter" and she walked away with an angry face.



En la traduccón inglese falta una frase importante: '... que le buscó otra mesa.' - '(please ask the waiter) who found another table for her'.
This should be taken into consideration - and then, too, there are differencies in cultural behavior between Germany and Austria, and between rural regions and cities, and then again, in rural regions, differences too depending on the 'style' of restaurant concerned.

Firstly, in Austria table-sharing (without necessarily wanting to make conversations with the other ones) is, if there are not enough free tables, not unusual:
- in rural regions
- in lower- and lower-middle-class-restaurants
In cities, table-sharing is not so common, but most of the times not considered overtly impolite, I'd say - but this of course would depend very much on the situation. On a 4-persons-table where there already sit 3, a person asking for the fourth place would be considered wanting to share in the conversations of the other 3, wanting becoming involved.

There is some 'free space' necessary (usualy) here in Austria for table-sharing without wanting to communicate being considered as normal - e. g. a table for 8 where on one end there sit 3 people and 5 places are free. It would be even OK, I think, if all the other 5 places were occupied by another group (without wanting to communicate), because they would form a 'circle of their own', so to speak.
But if there were _other _tables completely free and unoccupied, even on this 8-people-table it would be considered impolite if somewhere would ask wether he could take these seats: and there's the difference.
If your girl from above easily could have found a free table, so if there hadn't be no need for asking you for joining you then one would suppose that she would have wanted to 'enter' your circle, to communicate (wathever the further intents I could only guess).
But if there weren't any free tables and the waiter found another seat on another table already occupied by others, then the question of the girl would have been considered completely okay and normal (if, of course, there was enough free space on your table; even if you'd had a seat free but the table laden with food so that there hardly was any room any more, this would be different).


Then there are even regional differences; for example, in a small village where each one knows everyone, it would be considered exactly normal if someone enters an inn and sits down on the single occupied table where there already do sit some villagers.
You may even do that as a foreigner, but if such behaviour by foreigners is accepted depends very much on the region and even might differ in one region from village to village, from inn to inn.
Certainly you firstly would need the _cojones _to do so in the first place, whatever the consequences.  And if you want to not make a disaster of an attempt to join a table of villagers unknown to you it would be best if you spoke a dialect similar to the one the villagers speak: talk to them in their own language, and style, and they might accept you quickly. They might not, at that, too.


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## Sidjanga

Thank you very much for your comments!

Yes, it was indeed a Spanish friend of mine who first made me notice that our customs in this respect might be perceived as very stange or even "impossible" in other countries. 





sokol said:


> [...] depend very much on the situation. On a 4-persons-table where there already sit 3, a person asking for the fourth place would be considered wanting to share in the conversations of the other 3, wanting becoming involved.
> 
> There is some 'free space' necessary (usualy) here in Austria for table-sharing without wanting to communicate being considered as normal - e. g. a table for 8 where on one end there sit 3 people and 5 places are free. It would be even OK, I think, if all the other 5 places were occupied by another group (without wanting to communicate), because they would form a 'circle of their own', so to speak.
> But if there were _other _tables completely free and unoccupied, even on this 8-people-table it would be considered impolite if somewhere would ask wether he could take these seats: and there's the difference.


Many thanks for specifying, sokol. Exelent!  It´s pretty much the same in Germany.


> Certainly you firstly would need the _cojones _to do so in the first place, whatever the consequences.  And if you want to not make a disaster of an attempt to join a table of villagers unknown to you it would be best if you spoke a dialect similar to the one the villagers speak: talk to them in their own language, and style, and they might accept you quickly. They might not, at that, too.


Yes, this is certainly where the real challenge starts and where it becomes interesting. 


PABLO DE SOTO said:


> [...] le dijimos que no, a lo que puso mala cara.
> [...]


Sí. A menos que quedara efectivamente poco espacio en la mesa, su reacción es perfectamente comprensible desde el punto de vista de alguien que está acostumbrado a que esté bien e incluso sea algo normal sentarse a una mesa ya ocupada.

I think that this is really an ideal field for loads of important (intercultural) misunderstandings, because customs and normalities seem to be so different and people might take it very personally: on the one hand, seeing invaded their private space, and on the other, receiving a "no" without being able to understand why.

Saludos


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## federicoft

It is definitely not a common habit here in Italy. 
And I'm sure for most of us it would be quite shocking being asked something like that, especially in a restaurant.

The only place I could fancy happening all this is a cafeteria/canteen/etc. in a school/university/workplace/etc. Or else, if your aim is deliberately to approach a person who is sitting alone, but then you should expect any sort of reaction.


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## Kajjo

Sigianga said:


> When you go to a café o restaurant, you go in and all tables are occupied, in Germany this I no reason for you to leave and look for another place. It is usually no problem at all and actually quite common to just ask people at a table with a few free chairs if you may sit down at "their" table, and rarely people will object and say no.


I would like to contradict you. At least in Northern Germany this is highly unusual and I would never sit down at another's table. People usually like to share their table only with their own group or family. The only exceptions I know are in student cafetarias, at large festivals or in crowded sparetime facilities like zoo restaurants or mountain huts. In medium to good restaurants nobody would share a table, but enjoy privacy when talking to each other.

Kajjo


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## sokol

Kajjo said:


> I would like to contradict you. At least in Northern Germany this is highly unusual and I would never sit down at another's table.



I agree with you: as mentioned by me earlier, I think that there are regional differencies concerning table-sharing.
The thread opener is a Southerner, and it seems in Southern Germany (as well as in Austria, where I'm at home) this is not unusual, but also depends very much on the circumstances.

It's perfectly possible that in Northern Germany this is not usual at all. In fact, it is what I would expect; I'd even expect that in the greater cities of the South such as Munich (where many Northerners live) it might be a little bit different, too.

But probably others can tell you more about that, I'm only competent concerning these habits in Austria.


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## cirrus

In the UK it depends on the place and its ethos.  If it is smaller and cheaper you are more likely to share. You would ask whether it was OK and then go ahead.

Hace un par de meses estuve en un restaurante español en un pueblo de montaña. Menos mal que tenía reserva porque quedó lleno de gente. Vino una pareja y o tenían que esperar horas o irse. Les dijé que si querían comer, podrían sentarse donde estaba yo. Tanto ellos como el camerero pusieron caras de sopresa pero aceptaron.  Luego el camerero me comentó que fue la primera vez que esto había pasado durante más de veinte años de trabajar en el lugar.


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## palomnik

It wouldn't happen in the States. Americans' sense of personal space just won't tolerate it, unless it goes with the ambience, as in a Japanese steak house.

On the other hand, the idea of eating at a counter with stools is a longstanding American tradition, although it's less common than it was a generation ago.


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## sokol

cirrus said:


> In the UK it depends on the place and its ethos.  If it is smaller and cheaper you are more likely to share. You would ask whether it was OK and then go ahead.


In Austria, there too is a difference according to the place. 
There are restaurants of the noble sort where you would not sit down on a table by yourself but ask the waiter for a table: these would be the ones where no table-sharing is likely to happen in Austria, I think.
(But I don't eat in this kind of restaurant unless forced to do so if I have to attend to a business meal which is about once a year; so my experience with these is rather limited.)

Obviously, as your Spanish example (muy interesante!) shows, in Spain indeed there seems to be no tradition at all in table sharing.


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## tvdxer

In the U.S., you'd simply be told the restaurant is full (there aren't any tables) and told to sit down and wait until a table is available.  Happens all the time at more popular places.

It would be extremely bizarre and uncomfortable for both the persons who are seated at a table that already has diners and the diners themselves were that to happen.

The one exception would be certain restaurants where everybody sits together, but there aren't too many of these.


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## ayupshiplad

I'd like to add something else about this habit in the U.K 

I don't recall any sort of thing happening in restaurants, which are generally more formal, but I would say it's quite common in coffee shops for example. If you wait in a queue for ages and then discover that there are no tables left, but that there is a 4-seater table with one person sitting at it, I'd say it's perfectly acceptable (and verging on common) to say "Excuse me, do you mind if I sit down here?" I don't think anyone would object


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## cirrus

ayupshiplad said:


> IIt's perfectly acceptable (and verging on common) to say "Excuse me, do you mind if I sit down here?" I don't think anyone would object



As a student I used to work as a waiter in a veggie diner and this sort of behaviour would be fairly normal even though people were shown to a table (albeit pretty small ones precisely because the place was designed to maximise throughput.)


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## armedlovers

I wouldn't say this would _never_ happen in the United States. Just yesterday I went to a diner for lunch with a friend and the tables were arranged so that one group would sit on one side of the table and another group on the other side. I had never seen this before, but a married couple ended up sitting across from us to eat. We just smiled and said hello, and nothing more throughout the meal. When we left, we smiled again and said goodbye, and that was that. It was definitely a unique first experience for me, but apparently it does happen in the U.S. too!


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## Chaska Ñawi

In Canada table-sharing happens in cafeterias and in fast food restaurants, but not usually elsewhere.

In Latin America, if you eat in the markets, you sit where there's room. It doesn't matter who's already there.  It would be the height of rudeness to turn away somebody from your table, both to the customer and to the vendor.  In restaurants it seems to depend on the social class (the more upscale, the less mingling), but at roadside restaurants it is still usually expected that you sit where there's room.  

In Bolivia, good manners dictate that you wish everyone "Provecho" when you sit down to eat with them and again when you leave the table.  (This seems to be limited to tables.  If the vendor has only stools, this rule doesn't apply.)  Whether or not you converse with your neighbours is a personal choice.  Those people who don't want to talk bring a newspaper or keep their eyes on their plate.


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## Sidjanga

Thanks to everyone for the new comments!





sokol said:


> [...]
> It's perfectly possible that in Northern Germany this is not usual at all. In fact, it is what I would expect; I'd even expect that in the greater cities of the South such as Munich (where many Northerners live) it might be a little bit different, too. [...]


As to Northern Germany in this respect, I cannot contribute much.

As to other more or less big cities, I lived almost ten years in *Munich*, I have lived a while in *Berlin* and *Magdeburg*, and I have a cousin who lives in *Kassel* (just about in the very centre of Germany) and whom I visit regularly.
At least in all these four cities -and I dare say that in any other city in between will probably happen the same- it is very normal to do "table sharing " if there is no free table left when you enter a restaurant/café/bar ("Kneipe").

Obviously, as you say, everywhere it will always depend on the category of the restaurant (if the place in question is a restaurant) and a few other factors, like the ratio of the size of table to the number of people* (we might even try to find a formula that might be helpful and tell us in each case if asking and sitting down at a table in question would acutally be advisable or not... ).



cirrus said:


> ...
> Hace un par de meses estuve en un restaurante español en un pueblo de montaña. Menos mal que tenía reserva porque quedó lleno de gente. Vino una pareja y o tenían que esperar horas o irse. Les dijé que si querían comer, podrían sentarse donde estaba yo. Tanto ellos como el camerero pusieron caras de sopresa pero aceptaron. Luego el camerero me comentó que fue la primera vez que esto había pasado durante más de veinte años de trabajar en el lugar.


Y eso fue en España, o en un restaurante español en Inglaterra?



armedlovers said:


> [..] We just smiled and said hello, and nothing more throughout the meal. When we left, we smiled again and said goodbye, and that was that. [..]





Chaska Ñawi said:


> [...] In Bolivia, good manners dictate that you wish everyone "Provecho" when you sit down to eat with them [...] Whether or not you converse with your neighbours is a personal choice. Those people who don't want to talk bring a newspaper or keep their eyes on their plate.


These two comments are a very good summary of the range of "normal" possibilities and social rules and codes in terms of table sharing in the German speaking places where I have lived so far.


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## Trisia

Interesting thread.

Over here (Romania) we don't do it much. I only remember ever sharing a table with strangers twice, once in a café, and once in a fast-food. 

The truth is that such a question would probably be so unusual that almost nobody would think of saying a definite "no." Especially to a girl . All kidding aside, if there aren't enough seats, it's acceptable, at least in theory. But it just isn't done (or I haven't seen it happen).


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## avok

Sigianga said:


> Hi everyone,
> 
> When you go to a café o restaurant, you go in and all tables are occupied, in Germany this I no reason for you to leave and look for another place. It is usually no problem at all and actually quite common to just ask people at a table with a few free chairs if you may sit down at "their" table, and rarely people will object and say no.
> 
> Nevertheless, this does not necessarily imply that you (nor they) are interested in having a conversation, and much less are you socially obliged or strongly recommended to do so.
> Depending on sympathy and other factors -or their absence-, there may be something like an "invisible curtain", and each group may act almost as though the others weren't there.
> But obviously, if –for whatever reason- you start (successfully ) talking to them, you might just as well "end up" having a lovely and interesting conversation, and make new friends.


 
This is exactly the same in Turkey. Especially in Istanbul where there are millions of people, it is not always easy to find an empty table. Germany is crowded too.


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## Tetina

Hi to all.
Never never Greeks ask to share your table even you're in a coffee, restaurant, tavern, fast food .... Never happened to me. Even 2 persons sit in a table of 8 and there is no other place, nobody would ask to share tables.
If they see there is no table they just leave. Greeks go out a lot and especially Friday and weekends you cannot literally find space to stand. It happened that once we return to our homes because we couldn't find a place to sit wherever we went!!! 
If somebody asked to sit with us would mean that likes one of us and would like to approach. As you understand because it is not a custom here you would not be concidered impolite to refuse.
In the case somebody ask you to share table it would be very strange to sit and don't speak like the other doesn't exist! I think the enviroment would be so incovenient that you would just hurry to leave.
If someody waits in queue and ask to use one of the chair existing in your table ... it's usual to accept and impolite to refuse. But I don't think this is how you mean the question. 
I'm surprised because many tourists comes to Greece and I never heard or experienced such a case.
In fact, I couldn't even imagine it happens!


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## sokol

Tetina said:


> I'm surprised because many tourists comes to Greece and I never heard or experienced such a case.
> In fact, I couldn't even imagine it happens!



I can only speak for Austrians and only of my own experience - but for what it's worth, Tetina: I don't think an Austrian would ask for table-sharing _outside _his 'usual' environment, meaning: an Austrian is very likely to ask if he could share a table in the region where he lives or even outside that one, but inside Austria.

However, abroad (and even in Germany, where language wouldn't be the problem) most Austrians, I think, would never consider table-sharing. Some people from rural Austria probably even would hesitate to ask for table-sharing in the capital city of Vienna (where this would be perfectly okay if some conditions are met, see above).

But I certainly cannot be sure if all Austrians feel like I do; I wouldn't have thought of table-sharing e. g. in Barcelona where I was a few months ago, unless asked by residents of the city (or a _camarero_, of course).
(And we left some restaurants for lack of a free table there ...)


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## higo

This is not common in Central America either.

One day we were in a shopping center food court an a European sat in our table ^^ It is the only time  a stranger has sat on my table.

The only place I think this might happen without being strange is in a workplace cafeteria, a school or a University.


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## dafne.ne

Hi there!

To share table in Catalonia is getting quite common nowadays.  It was not common at all some years ago, but perhaps for the influence of foreign people - there are lots of tourists visiting Barcelona - we have adopted this way. 

We accept other people in our table and, most important, we are already asking people to share their table.

As Sigianga says,  we have that "invisible curtain" and do not use to speak with the people sharing our table and, of course we  do not pay attention to their conversation.

In general  we can share table in the case of  drinking something, or eating  fast lunch but we do  not  do it in special excellent restaurants. 

Nevertheless, travelling around Spain we realized that this is not so common, because people seemed really surprised when we asked permission to share their table although, fortunately nobody said no, just became surprised.


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