# Cultures and Rules of Etiquette



## argentina84

I have found that many Dutch rules of etiquette vary considerably from the Argentinian ones. For example, I read that food does not pay a mayor role in hospitality in the Netherlands. That it is not imperative for making someone feel at home. In Argentina,it is!!! So I thought of opening a thread to talk about differences like this...so that we can know in advance how to behave in a foreign country! Many times it is no only a question of knowing the language...


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## french4beth

Good topic, argentina!

From a general perspective, in many suburban areas of the US, you cannot just drop in on someone - you have to make plans in advance so that people will know when to expect you,  be sure that everything is in order in the house (e.g. clean!) and that they have food to offer their guests. When I lived in Quebec several years ago, it was acceptable to drop by to see friends and family unexpectedly; one time, we were visiting the elderly parents of some Quebecois that now live in the US, but were visiting QC. The parents eagerly invited us in, and made us a meal, even though they had never seen us before! I was amazed by their hospitality and generosity! My elderly mother-in-law always says, "Oh, I don't have much to offer you" and then proceeds to offer us a multi-course meal!

In the US, upon arrival, you would be offered a beverage (coffee, tea, soda, etc. or in the evening, beer or wine or an alcoholic drink) and perhaps a small snack or some type of hors-d'oeuvre prior to the meal. Again, it depends on the family. Generally, there are mass quantities of food available, but generally you would take a moderate portion, and after everyone has been served, you could then wait to be offered an extra portion or 'seconds'.

I always try & bring a small gift - I don't lalways ike to bring food o =r wine as the person usually feels obligated to serve the gift, whether it goes with the rest of the meal, but flowers or a small plant are a nice alternative.

Again, I can't speak for all of the US,  but I think that this is fairly common.

If a friend or family member has invited me, I always ask what I could bring (a dessert, a salad, a side dish, etc.). Most of the informal social gatherings that I attend are "pot-luck", that is, everyone brings some type of food so that the host/hostess doesn't have to do all the work.


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## Kajjo

french4beth said:


> From a general perspective, in many suburban areas of the US, you cannot just drop in on someone - you have to make plans in advance so that people will know when to expect you


The same in Germany, plus to be punctual.



> In the US, upon arrival, you would be offered a beverage (coffee, tea, soda, etc. or in the evening, beer or wine or an alcoholic drink) and perhaps a small snack or some type of hors-d'oeuvre prior to the meal. Again, it depends on the family. Generally, there are mass quantities of food available, but generally you would take a moderate portion, and after everyone has been served, you could then wait to be offered an extra portion or 'seconds'.


Again, quite the same in Germany. The vast quantities are reduced to "more than enough", but not excessively so. Second helpings are standard and everyone can usually take what and as much he likes. It is unpolite to fill too much on your plate, but second or third helpings are absolutely no problem (sometimes depending on the dish served, of course).



> I always try & bring a small gift - I don't lalways ike to bring food o =r wine as the person usually feels obligated to serve the gift, whether it goes with the rest of the meal, but flowers or a small plant are a nice alternative.


Once again the same in Germany -- I did not know that the cultures were that similar. A small gift is fine, usually flowers, a small plant or some kind of candies. If young children belong to the host's household, you usually bring a small gift for the child, too, like a playmobile figurine or a matchbox car.

The traditional German values are mostly still in place, even if somewhat less than they used to be. So be punctual and dependable. Do not promise or say things you don't intend to live up to. Germans are often considered less polite because they are quite direct. However, they mean what they say. If you are invited, you are invited -- no need to turn down the offer. You will not hear many offers of help, invitations and the like -- if you do, take them serious and decline or accept.

Kajjo


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## Alxmrphi

I've heard that in the Med it might be common or not unusual for someone to invite you to dinner and it's normal to bring a present when you do, I find that odd and I can't wait until it happens some day! (if it ever does)

Maybe the Dutch have another more cylindrical way of making someone feel at home instead of food ?

As for English people, to be honest I'm ashamed to say it but we don't really do it at all, we're pretty closed people when it comes to meeting new people and guard or space and property a lot, I wish people were more welcoming here but, as I've said, I'm ashamed to say there aren't any social rules about it because it's just not a common thing.


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## ciganka

Hi everbody.I have been traveling a lot and I can say that the customs vary from country to country and sometimes it's really useful to be familiar with the traditions of the place that you are visiting.I can talk about Slovenia. You don't have to make plans in advance and you can drop in on someone's place without previous invitation. Usually the friends, family,..will apologize for the mess in the house and in the same time they will start to prepare snack, drinks, coffe, whatever,... for the guests. When you are invited to someone's place you can expect a lot of food and  usually you have to eat more than you are able to I can guarantee you that Slovenian home you can't leave neither hungry nor thirsty.It's nice to bring a small gift (like a bottle of wine, chocolate, coffee) and when invited, it's nice to be puntual. The only thing that I have noticed just in my country (and I really don't like it!!) is, that when you enter the host's house usually they will offer you slippers, not to feel comfortable but to keep place/house clean.


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## palomnik

In the Russian rules enforced by my wife and her friends, it is generally expected that you'll bring something for the hostess. While courtesy does not expect that you bring food or drink, it's not at all unusual to bring food - sometimes a lot of it! - especially if it is some kind of delicacy that you think the host may not be able to provide, like some unusual cheese or sausage, homemade sauerkraut, fresh-picked fruit or special pastry; it isn't taken as in implication that the host won't provide enough food.

Russians head straight to the dining table when they arrive, and start out the meal with a variety of cold appetizers called _zakuski, _washed down with vodka. This may go on for a couple of hours before the main course is served. The American concept of having a drink in the living room with some hors d'oeuvres or potato chips before sitting down at table is considered rather barbarous, and it's worth noting that in a traditional Russian house the living room and the dining room are the same room.


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## argentina84

Alex_Murphy said:


> Maybe the Dutch have another more cylindrical way of making someone feel at home instead of food ?.


 
Sorry..I didn't understand what you mean here...

It is very fun how the same things are good for some cultures and not good for others. 

For example, someone pointed out that in Germany you must be punctual. That is not the case here, unless it is a business appointment. If you are invited to a birthday party, it is always better to turn up 20 minutes or half an hour later if you don't want to be the first guest to arrive! 

Another example, many people here simply cannot understand that in other places in the world it is not common to have a bath or a shower every day. I myself found it very funny at the beginning! People here have a shower once or twice a day. And in summer...

As regards lunch or dinner invitations, it is ok if you don't bring anything, but most of the times we ask what we can take when we are invited.. it usually ends up being the dessert. And if you decide to bring gifts for your hostess, they are seldom flowers. In fact, I have never heard of someone giving flowers for a gift, unless the person is in love with his hostess ( And I wrote HIS because women will never give flowers to men here). 

If you are invited to an important party and you want to give a present,it must be very, very nice. Not necessarily expensive, but not very cheap or you will be thought of as a stingy person. Nobody will think that you are showing off. On the contrary, you will be regarded as a generous person. It is not the same in The Netherlands again..according to what I have read...


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## Alxmrphi

argentina84 said:


> Sorry..I didn't understand what you mean here...



I was referring to a spliff, cannibis, weed, mary jane, etc.
It's accepted "as such" in the Dutch culture and could be an alternative to food welcoming.
I was just expressing the idea becuse laws are different in the Netherlands it can easily affect what friends do or what someone might bring/ask for instead of food.

Like, in Argentina you have Yerba Mate, and maybe someone might bring it maybe as a present to a house (I'm not entirely sure on some cultural views on it, etc), different cultures have different things associated them, etc.


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## argentina84

Alex_Murphy said:


> I was referring to a spliff, cannibis, weed, mary jane, etc.
> I was just expressing the idea becuse laws are different in the Netherlands it can easily affect what friends do or what someone might bring/ask for instead of food.
> 
> Like, in Argentina you have Yerba Mate, and maybe someone might bring it maybe as a present to a house (I'm not entirely sure on some cultural views on it, etc), different cultures have different things associated them, etc.


 
Oh!!! hahaha yeah, You might be right! LOL My Dutch friends have told me about drugs, but neither them nor me uses drugs..so I didn't get it, I'm sorry! 

And, as regards the "yerba mate" in Argentina....it is not a drug. It is not addictive, either. It is just a traditional drink.It is very common to meet with your friends and drink mate with them. I personally do not drink it because I don't like it. 
And we never bring yerba mate as a present..unless we wanna be the laughing stuff for a couple of months!!!

Regards


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## Alxmrphi

I was told by an Argentinian that sometimes when taken to other South American countries it is frowned upon because other people see it as a drug and my Argentinian friend said it was very "mild" but there were some parts inside the drink that were slightly drug-like (like making you relax and feel funny sometimes).


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## argentina84

Alex_Murphy said:


> I was told by an Argentinian that sometimes when taken to other South American countries it is frowned upon because other people see it as a drug and my Argentinian friend said it was very "mild" but there were some parts inside the drink that were slightly drug-like (like making you relax and feel funny sometimes).


 
Yeah! Many foreigners think that it is a kind of drug, but I really don't think so. And scientific research backs me up. Perhaps it is addictive for some people, like chocolate....

And it is not only an Argentinian traditional drink. It is also drunk in Uruguay, Chile, and some areas in Paraguay. 

The "mate" or "mateada" means friendship. That is what makes it special in our society. Sometimes people get annoyed when I say I don't drink mate.


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## Alxmrphi

argentina84 said:


> Sometimes people get annoyed when I say I don't drink mate.



So would you say as a native Argentinian that Yerba Mate needs to be accepted or should be, and is sort of a rule (maybe) for a list of "Cultural Rules of Etiquette" (in Argentina) maybe?


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## argentina84

Mmmm in certain situations, yes. But it always depends on the context. I mean..don't expect to drink mate with your boss..but you will very probably share mate and cookies with your colleagues, classmates,ect. It is a habit to drink mate with your family and friends...people do it almost automatically... you arrive to their houses and they start preparing the drink and something to accompany it (food).  

I don't drink mate because I think it is not very hygienic. But many times people thought I was rejecting them when I said "no, thank you" to their offers.

Does something similar occur in other cultures?


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## Juan Carlos Garling

argentina84 said:


> I have found that many Dutch rules of etiquette vary considerably from the Argentinian ones. For example, I read that food does not pay a mayor role in hospitality in the Netherlands. That it is not imperative for making someone feel at home. In Argentina,it is!!! So I thought of opening a thread to talk about differences like this...so that we can know in advance how to behave in a foreign country! Many times it is no only a question of knowing the language...


I am familiar with the topic. Dutch, as well as Europeans, treat a foreign visitor at a restaurant. In Argentina and Chile it's a _must_ to treat them at your home. Chilean hospitaly goes beyond that and there is a saying that a Chilean will kill his last chicken to treat a guest. And normally that goes with a good _pisco sour_ and more than one bottle of Chilean wine.


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## Juan Carlos Garling

Alex_Murphy said:


> I was referring to a spliff, cannibis, weed, mary jane, etc.
> It's accepted "as such" in the Dutch culture and could be an alternative to food welcoming.
> I was just expressing the idea becuse laws are different in the Netherlands it can easily affect what friends do or what someone might bring/ask for instead of food.
> 
> Like, in Argentina you have Yerba Mate, and maybe someone might bring it maybe as a present to a house (I'm not entirely sure on some cultural views on it, etc), different cultures have different things associated them, etc.


You do not have _yerba mate_ to treat vistors in urban areas anymore. But if in the countryside the _mate _goes the rounds, you are not supposed to say _thank you_ if it's your turn. This would mean that you do not want any more and you will be ignored next time. It might even be slightly offensive.


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## argentina84

Juan Carlos Garling said:


> I am familiar with the topic. Dutch, as well as Europeans, treat a foreign visitor at a restaurant. *In Argentina and Chile it's a must to treat them at your home. *Chilean hospitaly goes beyond that and there is a saying that a Chilean will kill his last chicken to treat a guest. And normally that goes with a good _pisco sour_ and more than one bottle of Chilean wine.


 

Yes!!! I absolutely agree with you! I remember a business man travelled to a foreign country and when he came back he told my family he was umpleasant with his client because hadn't been taken to  his client's house and introduced to the family.


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## ciganka

Well, in this point we can talk about the culture difference. Dutch people (it’s the same in my country) don’t mix business with the family. The family for us is quite closed circle of parents, children and maybe grandparents. Your friends, family are always welcome, but if my father did invite any of his business partner to eat with us, it was more his friend than just a partner. We have a saying that your job is not your company is not your free time and we separate it.Furthermore, we think that Latin people, Spanish, Italians are false, because they always smile, ask you about your family, give you a lot of nice compliments just to be polite. I live in Spain now and I can understand now why is like this, but in general the first impression was a bit strange and uncomfortable.


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## Chaska Ñawi

In Canada, too, we tend to separate business and family/social life, at least in the corporate world.  In rural Canada, and in some small businesses, the dividing line becomes thin or invisible.

Teachers tend to have little time left over for socializing, so their work IS their social life and, at certain times of the year, also their family life.  The circle of friends is basically reduced to colleagues.


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## argentina84

I have a question to expand this thread...What about expressions of affection? We Latinamerican people are very affectionate...and sometimes we are misunderstood by foreigners...What happens in other cultures?


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## PocketCathy

argentina84 said:


> I have a question to expand this thread...What about expressions of affection? We Latinamerican people are very affectionate...and sometimes we are misunderstood by foreigners...What happens in other cultures?


 
I grew up in Miami, Florida, and acquired many "latino" forms of expression -- kissing people on the cheek when meeting them, saying hello, goodbye, etc. (obviously in social situations). I moved to Ohio last year and at first startled some people I met when I automatically leaned it for the kiss. That's when I realized how much more formal most places in the U.S. are when compared to Miami! I don't know how to act around people anymore. Do you give a nice, firm handshake goodbye? Or just a friendly wave? 

Another thing... in Miami, it was common for people to affectionately nickname people names such as "Gordo", etc. I was never a fan of that, but most latinos never considered it to be rude. In Ohio, if I were to see someone and call out "Hey Fatty, how's it going?", I'd probably get punched in the face or make someone cry. So I'm pretty sure nicknames like that are taboo in general American culture ;-)


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## KateNicole

I agree with much of what french4beth has said about the midwest, although I do think that we are becoming a little warmer and relaxed with each generation.  My parents are 50-something and in their social circle, it is _absolutely _unacceptable to drop by someone's home unannounced, call someone's home on the telephone after 9pm, see a woman in the hospital after childbirth without calling first, even if it's your sister, and GOD FORBID you ever forget to write a thank you card!  The midwesterners of my parents generation are hard-core about thank you cards.  Generally, if I open a gift in front of the person who gave it to me, and thank him or her enthusiastically in person, I don't feel absolutely compelled to send a thank you card.  I always send a card for a gift that was opened in private, mailed to my home, received from someone unexpected like a distant neighbor or someone I don't see regularly, etc.--and most people my age do the same, more or less.  But people my parents age have gotten rather offended when they did not receive thank you cards, even if they were sincerely thanked in person.  To me, the culture of thank you cards can go a little overboard, even though I know it's still "booming" with many people today.  If my mom has lunch at someone's house, she immediately write a thank you card for the lunch when she gets home.  I don't do this, and I don't expect one when I have someone over for lunch in my home.  To me, lunch is not a gift, therefore no thank you card required.  It's just all too much for me!


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## KateNicole

argentina84 said:


> I have a question to expand this thread...What about expressions of affection? We Latinamerican people are very affectionate...and sometimes we are misunderstood by foreigners...What happens in other cultures?



I think most Americans realize that Latin Americans are warmer, and Americans who are very uptight might feel a little uncomfortable if they are greeted with a kiss on the cheek, but I don't think they misinterpret it or become offended by it.  I think that for the most part, we understand Latin American affection, even though it's foreign to us.  Many Americans think it's great!


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## luis masci

argentina84 said:


> What about expressions of affection?


Here, one of the last fashion things is kissing among men. 
It’s not strange at all among new generation people but also some men, I’d say over 40, have adopted this usage. It’s funny to me seeing rough men kissing each other. That is something unthinkable just a few years ago.


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## argentina84

oh! I haven't seen that in Buenos Aires yet.


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## Kibramoa

Here in the southern United States, you need to call ahead before "dropping in" to visit someone. I remember a few years back I was in the neighborhood and stopped at a friend's. They were not home so I left a note. My friend called to apologize for not being at home!. I explained that there was nothing to apologize for and not to worry. I think that it may be generational like KateNicole points out. My younger friends do not mind if you drop in unannounced. 
Also in the south of the U.S. dinner means that it is a big meal/special occasion. Thanksgiving dinner is served 12 -1 PM, not at 5-6 like in other regions of the U.S. [needless to say that I almost missed my first southern Thanksgiving]
When someone dies, people gather after the funeral at the deseased's or a relative home for a meal. Not the greiving family, but the friends (and/or church) would probably bring the food, pot-luck. At the gathering people tell stories of things that happend when X was alive.

In Mexico it is nice to give the host family a present when you go over (flowers, wine, dessert). Unless is a business appointment, you would arrive 20-30 min after the "suggested" time. Party invitations state what time the party starts but NEVER what time the party ends [_in the US invitations may say that the party is from 3-6 PM] _


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## argentina84

Kibramoa said:


> Here in the southern United States, you need to call ahead before "dropping in" to visit someone. I remember a few years back I was in the neighborhood and stopped at a friend's. They were not home so I left a note. My friend called to apologize for not being at home!. I explained that there was nothing to apologize for and not to worry. I think that it may be generational like KateNicole points out. My younger friends do not mind if you drop in unannounced.
> 
> You can usually visit someone without calling ahead, but as our lives are becoming busier and busier...people have started to arrange everything, specially in the cities.
> 
> When someone dies, people gather after the funeral at the deseased's or a relative home for a meal. Not the greiving family, but the friends (and/or church) would probably bring the food, pot-luck. At the gathering people tell stories of things that happend when X was alive.
> 
> We never have something to eat at funerals...and we usually drink coffee. Nothing else. Our culture associate food with happiness, so it is not included when mourning. It is considered rather impolite.
> 
> In Mexico it is nice to give the host family a present when you go over (flowers, wine, dessert). Unless is a business appointment, you would arrive 20-30 min after the "suggested" time. Party invitations state what time the party starts but NEVER what time the party ends [_in the US invitations may say that the party is from 3-6 PM] _


 
Here too. It is better if you arrive a bit later than the appointed time. Like ten minutes...never turn up very early!!!


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## argentina84

"GOD FORBID you ever forget to write a thank you card! "


Wow! This is the first time I hear about thank you cards! They do not exist here.


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## panjabigator

I feel like saying "thank you" in India is not a must.  I rarely here it said to the servants, or employees in restaurants.  Customers are rather "rude" about that, in my opinion.

I have noticed myself saying "thank you" very often here to the effect that people start to smile.  But I'm not going to change myself!


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## concafeina

argentina84 said:


> Yeah! Many foreigners think that it is a kind of drug, but I really don't think so. And scientific research backs me up. Perhaps it is addictive for some people, like chocolate....
> 
> And it is not only an Argentinian traditional drink. It is also drunk in Uruguay, Chile, and some areas in Paraguay.
> 
> The "mate" or "mateada" means friendship. That is what makes it special in our society. Sometimes people get annoyed when I say I don't drink mate.


 
I'am agree! my parents are from Uruguay and drink "Mate", i drink many times. Once we went to Barcelona in trian, and my parents and my oncles brought the "mate", one security man of the trains said them that this kind of "drugs" are illegal in Spain, my father told him that it's not a drug and if he speak without knowledge about this kind of drink he same like an unaware. Obviously my father speak with a lot of education.

Best regards!


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## gotitadeleche

> Here in the southern United States, you need to call ahead before "dropping in" to visit someone. I remember a few years back I was in the neighborhood and stopped at a friend's. They were not home so I left a note. My friend called to apologize for not being at home!. I explained that there was nothing to apologize for and not to worry. I think that it may be generational like KateNicole points out. My younger friends do not mind if you drop in unannounced.



Kibramoa, when we apologize in this type of circumstance, it is not meant that we think we did something wrong. It is more a way of saying that we are sad we missed your visit.


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