# British demonstration of affection



## PBP

Hello, how are you doing?

I have just started a long distance relationship with a 35 years old English man. He is the intellectual type.  I was wondering if you could help me understand his British way of thinking and, most important, his way of demonstrating affection, attention and interest.  Sometimes his coldness and way of communicating his things shocks me, but I had never met any British in my life so I'm having a hard time understanding what to expect from him in terms of demonstration.

Thank you very much.  Great forum!


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## Benjy

PBP said:
			
		

> Hello, how are you doing?
> 
> I have just started a long distance relationship with a 35 years old English man. He is the intellectual type.  I was wondering if you could help me understand his British way of thinking and, most important, his way of demonstrating affection, attention and interest.  Sometimes his coldness and way of communicating his things shocks me, but I had never met any British in my life so I'm having a hard time understanding what to expect from him in terms of demonstration.
> 
> Thank you very much.  Great forum!



if he makes fun of you it means he likes you! 
seriously though.. if the way he says things suprises you/bothers you, just tell him to lighten up ;p everyones different but i suppose as a nation we have been characterised by a tendancy not express how we feel. its seen as "weak" whch of course in the context of real friendship is rather silly. but its so ingrained its hard to get over sometimes. just tell him how you feel.. you'll be doing him a favour


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## ambar_violeta

Girl ! I'm going through the same with a German guy . . . but he's just 19. And I've met him here in Argentina. Actually, he's still here . . . but he's leaving in a month !
Is it too hard to understand European men? Are they different from latinamerican men?
So if someone can help me . . .  I'll really appreciate it !

(My English is not Perfect at all . . . sorry ! )

Besos !

Y Perdón que no te pude ayudar . . .  sinceramente estoy en la misma que vos ! Espero alguien nos ayude ! ajajaja

Adios !


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## PBP

Benjy!
You are a light at the end of the tunnel ... he does make fun of me, a lot.  I do too.  But sometimes I ask him to spoil me like calling me "Princess" or silly things like that and he says he can't because I am not really a Princess ... can you believe it?


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## HelloFrench

> Benjy!
> You are a light at the end of the tunnel ... he does make fun of me, a lot. I do too. But sometimes I ask him to spoil me like calling me "Princess" or silly things like that and he says he can't because I am not really a Princess ... can you believe it?



i can believe it! if he is an 'intellectual' as  you say, he is probably very logical and reasonable, and maybe a little conservative. therefore, him calling you princess, especially in public, could be a bit of a stretch for him. asking to call you by a certain name is probably not very appealing to him


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## HelloFrench

by the way, making fun of you a lot doesnt strike me as something you should enjoy! make sure you think about what about you he is making fun of. if he says youre dumb, you may laugh along with him, but perhaps hes trying to make himself feel superior to you, and this could escalate into something not so funny. i obviously dont know your chap, so i cant really tell, but take it from someone whos been there. if he degrades you you should get out of the relationship before it goes too far.


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## PBP

oopsy!


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## cuchuflete

PBP said:
			
		

> oopsy!



Please everyone...let's keep this discussion limited to language and culture...that leaves plenty of room to speak freely.  If it turns into a romantic advice column, no matter how well intended, the thread will be closed.


The original question was about means of expression in different cultures.
Psychanalysis and behavioural defects are topics for PMs or emails or some other forum.


Thanks,
Cuchu


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## PBP

Thank you HelloFrench.  Actually the jokes are not rude or anything like that.  We both are lawyers so in spite of the cultural differences, I would still know if he was being rude or not.  He says I'm cheeky which I understand is not a bad thing to say to a lawyer, am I right?  Anyway, he has never ever been disrespectful, so I think this is OK.  Thanks for your concern.

So, I guess I shouldn't be waiting for "flowers for no reason", bits of poems in my mobile, parts of romantic songs by email or surprise phone calls just to say he was thinking of me ...?  What should I expect then?


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## HelloFrench

> Please everyone...let's keep this discussion limited to language and culture...that leaves plenty of room to speak freely. If it turns into a romantic advice column, no matter how well intended, the thread will be closed.
> 
> 
> The original question was about means of expression in different cultures.
> Psychanalysis and behavioural defects are topics for PMs or emails or some other forum.
> 
> 
> Thanks,
> Cuchu


 
sorry. i wont talk anymore


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## ambar_violeta

Yeah I won't talk anymore !


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## PBP

OK. Mr. Cuchuflete, sorry about that.  I'm new in the forum.

By the way, being an American, how would you express your interest and affection to your special one?  Americans are also quite different to Latinamericans and British, are they?


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## te gato

PBP said:
			
		

> OK. Mr. Cuchuflete, sorry about that. I'm new in the forum.
> 
> By the way, being an American, how would you express your interest and affection to your special one? Americans are also quite different to Latinamericans and British, are they?


Hola PBP;
I do not think that you can say differences of affection are either from this place or that..In my opinion think that it has to do with how you were raised as a child..For example: If you show no out-ward emotion, did your parents--probably not, did their parents--probably not...and so on. 
I am not saying that culture has nothing to do with it, but it isn't culture alone... I noticed from all my friends in Mexico...Expecialy the men..tend to be more open about a lot of things (sex talk, open display of affection) Maybe this was just because they knew me well, I don't know...Yet at the same time ask them to answer a serious question..and they play coy. So grouping affection into British, Mexican, American, Canadian...in my opinion is not right..I think it depends on the person....
te gato


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## cuchuflete

Hola PBP,

With your kind permission, I'll divide the question into parts...the language segment, and ...pues... lo demás.

In neither category should I be considered typical of males of my nation or demographic category, unless you are a friend of 'fact-free statistical analysis', projecting from a single data point to a large population!

To attempt an answer to the language question, I use words to play, to tease, to directly convey affection, to share on both intellectual and emotional levels. Puns, and especially multilingual wordplay, are a favorite.

On the 'all other' behavioural level, I prefer to duck the question.  As stated, I cannot speak for an entire culture, and I really don't think this forum is the right venue for me to talk about my personal behavior. 

Finally, as to perceived differences between Americans and Latin Americans, or Americans and British men...I see little difference once a close relationship has been established.  Courtship rituals are vastly different in the EEUU and those Latin American countries I've visited, as the definitions of 'correct' behaviour for both men and for women are distinct.  American males are slowly growing to perceive women as full and complete people, and this egalitarianism leads concurrently to greater respect, and diminished romanticism.  

My knowledge of the British is very limited, so I'll refrain from guessing and speculation.  They do speak a language similar to my own, but I don't know a thing about their mating habits, other than that they must be 'successful' as their population is not diminishing.

un saludo,
Cuchuflete









			
				PBP said:
			
		

> OK. Mr. Cuchuflete, sorry about that.  I'm new in the forum.
> 
> By the way, being an American, how would you express your interest and affection to your special one? Americans are also quite different to Latinamericans and British, are they?


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## ~PiCHi~

PBP said:
			
		

> Hello, how are you doing?
> 
> I have just started a long distance relationship with a 35 years old English man. He is the intellectual type. I was wondering if you could help me understand his British way of thinking and, most important, his way of demonstrating affection, attention and interest. Sometimes his coldness and way of communicating his things shocks me, but I had never met any British in my life so I'm having a hard time understanding what to expect from him in terms of demonstration.
> 
> Thank you very much. Great forum!



Well let me tell you something..
For latin americans (at least mexicans) and I'm talking about the majority, I'm *not* saying EVERYONE, it's all about sex...
Well, maybe it's because I'm 19, and guys my age is what they look for most of the time.. I think it's the age, maybe where I live, I dunno ... I'm getting kind of tired of it... where am I going to find a decent non-perverted guy?
WHERE?


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## cristóbal

> British demonstration of affection



And me, I thought this was an extension of the oxymorons thread.     Just kidding, my british brethren!  




			
				~PiCHi~ said:
			
		

> where am I going to find a decent non-perverted guy?
> WHERE?



Don't worry, we exist.


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## ~PiCHi~

cristóbal said:
			
		

> Don't worry, we exist.


 
Yeah, I bet, but you are like a four-leaf clover...


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## Benjy

cristóbal said:
			
		

> And me, I thought this was an extension of the oxymorons thread.     Just kidding, my british brethren!



HA! maybe the threads should be merged.. "perfect partner" could go in there aswell.


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## cuchuflete

~PiCHi~ said:
			
		

> Yeah, I bet, but you are like a four-leaf clover...



Both Cristóbal and Benjy are definitely like four-leaf clovers...rare, intelligent, good to look at, but a little green 

I could say more nice things about them, but they might blush!.

Back to the cultural topic...In what country are men of ~PiCHi~'s age group *not *preoccupied with sex?  It's biologically driven, and is not cultural.
The obvious solution...I'm sure some will accuse me of being self-serving...is to seek older companionship.   

What is the average age difference, if any, between men and women in serious relationships in your various countries? Is this as it was for your parents' generation, or has the gap narrowed or widened?

saludos,
Cuchu


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## ~PiCHi~

cuchuflete said:
			
		

> What is the average age difference, if any, between men and women in serious relationships in your various countries? Is this as it was for your parents' generation, or has the gap narrowed or widened?


 
Believe me I've tried that too.
My last boyfriend not more than 6 months ago was 27.. We were doing GREAT.
But he was already thinking about marriage, and he had his job, little time... it didn't work out.
I know sex isn't wrong, and it's natural, but It shouldn't be _everything_ in a relationship, should it?
I think the same as you, but not so old, like 27 and not so young like 19 (with the mental age of a 12 year-old)
My parents for example have 2 and a half years of difference, my dad is older, and they get along well, but their time was very different from this.


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## Benjy

meh.... much as it pains me too say this. i have to agree with cuchu. I recently got back from living abroad and started university in england, and i cant tell you how much i was dissapointed with the way my own peer group acts. life = alcohol + sex (both in copious amounts), and a good night out is a good night out if someones doesnt end up lying in a pile of their own vomit. i suppose what supprised me the most is the way that its become institutional, i never thought i would see a university drive its students excess. i guess im just a fuddy-duddy before my time :/


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## cuchuflete

~PiCHi~ said:
			
		

> Believe me I've tried that too.
> My last boyfriend not more than 6 months ago was 27.. We were doing GREAT.
> But he was already thinking about marriage, and he had his job, little time... it didn't work out.
> I know sex isn't wrong, and it's natural, but It shouldn't be _everything_ in a relationship, should it?
> I think the same as you, but not so old, like 27 and not so young like 19 (with the mental age of a 12 year-old)
> My parents for example have 2 and a half years of difference, my dad is older, and they get along well, but their time was very different from this.



I will keep my personal opinions to myself, for a change!  I may ask my sons, ages 21 and 23, what they think of these questions, and report back.
One of them is living in Madrid, so he may be able to comment on the cultural differences between Europeans and Americans. But then, we have Cristóbal to do that for us already.

Cuchu


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## Lancel0t

~PiCHi~ said:
			
		

> I'm getting kind of tired of it... where am I going to find a decent non-perverted guy?
> WHERE?


 --->> I'm here, in the Philippines


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## te gato

~PiCHi~ said:
			
		

> Believe me I've tried that too.
> My last boyfriend not more than 6 months ago was 27.. We were doing GREAT.
> But he was already thinking about marriage, and he had his job, little time... it didn't work out.


Concider yourself lucky if he was thinking of Marriage...Here, you even start to say the word MMMAARR..they look at you like you asked for one of their Kidneys, and be a single mom..even THINK of the word marriage and they would win a gold medal in the Olympics...
The topic of them just thinking about sex...they are the same here. I wonder why it is ok for the guys to do this..does it come from the saying*.."It's ok,* *their just sowing their oats"....*EXCUSE ME..this field is more then for just sowing oats..this field has a brain, a heart, and feelings..
When women do the same thing we are called "sluts", "puntas", whatever...but for the guys it's ok...I often have wondered why.
So guys from different parts of the world,,are not so different after all..
te gato


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## Benjy

te gato said:
			
		

> Concider yourself lucky if he was thinking of Marriage...Here, you even start to say the word MMMAARR..they look at you like you asked for one of their Kidneys, and be a single mom..even THINK of the word marriage and they would win a gold medal in the Olympics...
> The topic of them just thinking about sex...they are the same here. I wonder why it is ok for the guys to do this..does it come from the saying*.."It's ok,* *their just sowing their oats"....*EXCUSE ME..this field is more then for just sowing oats..this field has a brain, a heart, and feelings..
> When women do the same thing we are called "sluts", "puntas", whatever...but for the guys it's ok...I often have wondered why.
> So guys from different parts of the world,,are not so different after all..
> te gato



that has been a never ending source of amusement to me that in every language there are hundreds of different ways to describe women who sleep around but none for the men :/ and sometimes chez les hommes its celebrated.

what really confuses me the most though, is it is seen as enlightened and better etc etc to go and seek gratification whenever you feel the need. the whole boys at that age lallalaa thing. i always considered that the real difference between man and everything else of the planet was the fact that we had some measure of choice over whether we obeyed our bodies of not. when a dog is hungry it automatically goes looking for food etc, its decisions are always based on a biological need, its body basically decides what it does. i always liked to believe that humans were more intelligent than that, and they based their choices on consequence/morals/ethics etc... sometimes i dont wonder if for all our sophistry we really aren't that different from the animals we eat.  

but now im really steering the thread away from the original subject. so i'll be quiet.


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## abc

PBP said:
			
		

> Hello, how are you doing?
> 
> I have just started a long distance relationship with a 35 years old English man. He is the intellectual type. I was wondering if you could help me understand his British way of thinking and, most important, his way of demonstrating affection, attention and interest. Sometimes his coldness and way of communicating his things shocks me, but I had never met any British in my life so I'm having a hard time understanding what to expect from him in terms of demonstration.
> 
> Thank you very much. Great forum!


Hello PBP! I'm not a Brit so I cannot intelligently make any general remarks about the ways they demonstrate their affections, and I would not want to, ahem, receive a warning from one of our dear moderators for diving into _Discussion of Romance_. Best wishes to your long distance relationship!

----



			
				Benjy said:
			
		

> that has been a never ending source of amusement to me that in every language there are hundreds of different ways to describe women who sleep around but none for the men :/ and sometimes chez les hommes its celebrated.


Benjy, are you suggesting that we need to create some new neologisms? I wouldn't mind having to learn a few more words.



> what really confuses me the most though, is it is seen as enlightened and better etc etc to go and seek gratification whenever you feel the need. the whole boys at that age lallalaa thing.


This perception of enlightenment does not exist everywhere...And may the poor boys not receive STDs. 



> i always considered that the real difference between man and everything else of the planet was the fact that we had some measure of choice over whether we obeyed our bodies of not. when a dog is hungry it automatically goes looking for food etc, its decisions are always based on a biological need, its body basically decides what it does. i always liked to believe that humans were more intelligent than that, and they based their choices on consequence/morals/ethics etc... sometimes i dont wonder if for all our sophistry we really aren't that different from the animals we eat.


Some men are not homo sapiens. A sad fact.


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## Otarrago

Hello PBP,

I had a similar experience, but reversed (She British, me Latin guy).

My experience is that Latin people are more expressive and sensitive about emotions than some other cultures. It was fun being with her, however, she had different cultural ways of expressing herself. None of these expressions had anything to do with endearment terms (like princess, etc.), and spontaneous demonstrations of affection, especially physical affection or in public. That was a no-no for her. On the other hand, her way to express interest was to devote time -and her undivided attention- for us to sit down and hold long conversations over beer....

A study a few years ago measured physical contact between couples of different cultures seating together. They counted how many times they touched each other in an hour. (Touching like rubbing legs or elbows, putting your hand on her thigh, hand-touching in different parts of the body, caresses or kissing, etc.) Basically public displays of affection. Latinos touched an average of approx. 60 times, with Mexicans as the touchiest (80 times), and British the least touchy approx. 5 times per hour.

However, personalities have a lot to do with the way people behave. We cannot stereotype cultures. All have cultural appropriate ways of expressing themselves, which are just different.

As advise I would recommend that either you accept his cultural and personal ways of expression or move on, since it would be difficult to have him express himself like you do. It would be asking that he changes for what you want him to be and not what he is.

Hope that helps.
Oscar


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## Neru

Otarrago said:
			
		

> for us to sit down and hold long conversations over *beer*....


At last, someone has mentioned the all-important, magic ingredient for any kind of romance with a British person.  
(Oscar, just kidding, I think what you've said really makes a lot of sense).
Cheers.


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## ambar_violeta

I think you really make a lot of sense when you say that we cannot stereotype cultures. It's just a different way to express feelings. That's it.

I used to stereotype the german culture thinking they were cold and distant. But a month ago I met a person who show me that I was wrong. ! (He is really sweet and expressive)

Does anyone know something about demonstration of affection in Germany ?

I found your study about physical contact, really interesting ! 

*Adios!


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## Citrus

Hello!!!

I'm mexican . . . latina de hueso colorado!!! I've had some experience with emotional expressions between different cultures because I have family from England, the States, Costa Rica and (of course) Mexico.

Notice I said FAMILY . . . although it's not the same, not even close, to the relationship you are discussing, as a child you get a pretty good impression of the way your family treats you. (I’m not a child any more, but I grew up in this very “versatile” environment)

So, from my experience what I can tell you is that it depends on the personality of the person . . . mostly . . . but cultural issues does influence personality. 

British and Americans are colder in their treat when you are used to a latin environment, but that does not mean they don’t experience the same feelings . . . they are just expressing them differently!!! They tend to buy you some thing you really like rather than to hug you or kiss you. They like to have long conversations about important topics and to be up to date in the activities that you perform.

On the other hand, latins tend to express their feelings for you in a more physical way. They are used to the touch of skin or kissing hello and goodbye everybody (I have a really difficult time not doing this when I’m visiting them!!!). They like to know how are you feeling and some times they even meddle into your life to show how much they care (This is not always appreciated).

Anyway, we can’t stereotype, but there are some very obvious differences between cultures . . . . 

My advise: Accept each other and try to find a point where you both are comfortable.


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## kermit

At last, someone has mentioned the all-important, magic ingredient for any kind of romance with a British person.


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