# Eye Contact



## panjabigator

Is eye contact something that is valued in your culture?  Or can it be viewed a sign of rudeness?

I'll generalize and say that eye contact is a positive quality in America.


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## .   1

Eye contact is very intimate and can be quite challenging or threatening.
A brief glance and a nod or small smile is welcomed.
A brief glance with no acknowledgement is awkward.
An extended glance with no acknowledgment is threatening.
An extended eye contact with a negative expression induces fear and loathing.

.,,


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## 1234plet

In Denmark we oftenly use eye contact when you know the person and you're talking to the person. 
But if it's one that you don't know it's more like starring - at least some people will think that and they might get offensed. 
But with a little smile too, it shouldn't be a problem.


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## Outsider

Yes, it is. Not to be confused with staring, though.


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## fenixpollo

This is not a yes/no question, gator. Eye contact can be viewed a sign of rudeness in any culture.  The real question is, *how much* eye contact is considered rude?

Or, perhaps your question should be, "What are your attitudes towards direct eye contact? Is it OK with strangers? How many seconds can pass before it's considered rude?" or other questions that are qualitative in nature.





panjabigator said:


> Is eye contact something that is valued in your culture? Or can it be viewed a sign of rudeness?
> 
> I'll generalize and say that eye contact is a positive quality in America.


 I agree with you that attitudes about direct eye contact are positive, in general, in the US. To maintain direct eye contact is considered a sign of honesty, integrity, intimacy and strength.  

However, in some Native American cultures, direct eye contact for all but an instant, between strangers, is considered too forward or rude.


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## natasha2000

Well, I can only say that if you ara about to drink a toast with a Serbian, make sure you look him in the eye while doing a chin-chin with glasses.
It is considered extremely rude and lack of respect if you look into your glass instead of the eyes of your co-toaster (Can this be said like this? )

I had a hard time to get used to Spanish people looking in their glasses instead of my eyes when drinking a toast. 


When you talk to a Serbian, you should also look him in the eyes. Eye contact is an expression of respect and you show toyour interlocutor that your'e listening to him. Avoiding an eye contact is normally interpreted as an exostence of some kind of shame, guilt, or whatever that is not right. If someone does not want to look you in the eye while talking to you, it can be interpreted as if a person is lying.
Even when a parent tells off their children, the children are expected to look them in the eye. I still remember my mother saying to me "Look me in the eye while I am talking to you!"
Of course, any kind of provocative look will be interpreted as such - a provocation.

Staring is not welcome, either. It is considered rude, if it comes from a complete stranger.


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## Mei

natasha2000 said:


> Well, I can only say that if you ara about to drink a toast with a Serbian, make sure you look him in the eye while doing a chin-chin with glasses.
> It is considered extremely rude and lack of respect if you look into your glass instead of the eyes of your co-toaster (Can this be said like this? )



Really? Ok, I heard while ago that if you don't look in the eye while you drink, it would give you bad luck but I didn't know that it was something rude..... ok this means that the people who said this to me were so confused and made it up! 

Mei


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## Sallyb36

In England it is rude not to look a person in the eyes if you are speaking to them.


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## natasha2000

Mei said:


> Really? Ok, I heard while ago that if you don't look in the eye while you drink, it would give you bad luck but I didn't know that it was something rude..... ok this means that the people who said this to me were so confused and made it up!
> 
> Mei


 
Maybe they didn't want to make you feel uncomfortable, so they invented this "bad luck" thing... 

And if they weren't Serbs/Croats/Bosnians, then maybe the "bad luck" thing IS true.


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## Mei

natasha2000 said:


> Maybe they didn't want to make you feel uncomfortable, so they invented this "bad luck" thing...
> 
> And if they weren't Serbs/Croats/Bosnians, then maybe the "bad luck" thing IS true.



Oh no, they are catalans... I think they just ignore it and invented this because is cool to say it or something... don't ask me why...   

Mei


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## natasha2000

Mei said:


> Oh no, they are catalans... I think they just ignore it and invented this because is cool to say it or something... don't ask me why...
> 
> Mei


 
Well, this is news for me!
I have drunk many toasts with Catalans, and even learnt to say "Salut y força al canut", but no Catalan made any eye contact with me. Ever. I talked to my Catalan friends about it and I always got the same answer: Well, if I look at you, I might spill the wine from the glass!


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## moura

Sallyb36 said:


> In England it is rude not to look a person in the eyes if you are speaking to them.


 
In Portugal also. As Outsider has already said it is very important in our culture. So important, that people who speak to us without looking directly in the eyes are negatively commented for that. When people are interviewed in tv - the fact that they don't look to the interviewer may lead to a bad opinion about the guy.

About the importance in general of eye contact? Oh, immense!!! Tremendous!!! Personal communication in all matters lives and depends largely on the way eyes contact with each other. Just think about the way we look to babies. In my case, and I think that happens to all of us, I try to establish the communication through the eyes, and then the smile or the voice follows.
 
But when thinking about this, I thought about a friend of mine who is amblyopic (only see shadows). What I most remember of her are nice clear brown eyes, but especially her joyful voice and gestures. It seems that in this case, when eye contact is not performed in its full extension, we automatically, instinctively, establish alternatives to complete that way of communication.


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## Mei

natasha2000 said:


> Well, this is news for me!
> I have drunk many toasts with Catalans, and even learnt to say "Salut y força al canut", but no Catalan made any eye contact with me. Ever. I talked to my Catalan friends about it and I always got the same answer: Well, if I look at you, I might spill the wine from the glass!



The first time I heard about it I thought "this may be some kind of new fashion." I must say that not all the catalans I know do it. But when I will do it again I will say your explanation and not the "bad luck" one, I like it.

Did your catalans friends know about Sant Ciprià gloriós?

Sant Ciprià gloriós
    Patró de les borratxeres!
    Del vi,de la canya i del ron!
    Fes que en vostra gràcia divina!
    Agafem una bona paperina!
    Per marxar contents d'aquest mon!

    A PROA!
    A POPA!
    A BABOR!
    A ESTRIBOR!
    I A LA BODEGA!!!!!!!!

And you drink. (Maybe is something that I do with my friedns!)

Cheers

Mei


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## natasha2000

Mei said:


> The first time I heard about it I thought "this may be some kind of new fashion." I must say that not all the catalans I know do it. But when I will do it again I will say your explanation and not the "bad luck" one, I like it.
> 
> Cheers
> 
> Mei


 
Well, but remember that this goes for Serbs. Obviously, Spanish and Catalan culture do not mind not looking in the eye when drinking a toast... 
So I would say you're right whenyouthought it was a "new fashion" here...


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## Etcetera

In Russia, eye contact is very important. If someone is trying not to look into his vis-a-vis's eyes, the latter may think that the former is a liar, for instance.
But you don't have to stare at ta person's eyes all the time - you can look at something else from time to time, for example, at your hands, at a picture on the wall, and so on.


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## Mei

Hi all there again,

I just want to add that I have heard that depending on the race, one can stand more or less the eye contact whith a stranger he passes by. For example, black people endure more the eye contact than white ones, so it might happen that when a black and a white person make an eye contact when passing by each other, a black man's longer eye contact can be interpreted as a provocation, when in reality it isn't, only because these facts about genetics are not wide known enough... or maybe it's just about different cultures... who knows... 

Saludetes

Mei

(Thanks to my foreros who helped me to write this )


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## jinti

I have been studying American Sign Language for a few years now, and eye contact is something very hard for me to get used to.  My natural tendency is to watch the hands of my conversation partner, but that's not what Deaf people do.  

The signer can shift his or her gaze, because where he/she looks is part of the grammar of the language.  That means he/she doesn't have to maintain eye contact, but where he/she looks is not totally random, either.  But the "receiver" (who would be the listener in a spoken conversation) has to look the signer _in the eye_ the whole time, NOT at the signer's hands.  Hard to do in the beginning.

So eye contact among Deaf signers is a mixture of language and culture.


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## zebedee

Mei said:


> Hi all there again,
> 
> I just want to add that I have heard that depending on the race, one can stand more or less the eye contact whith a stranger he passes by. For example, black people endure more the eye contact than white ones, so it might happen that when a black and a white person make an eye contact when passing by each other, a black man's longer eye contact can be interpreted as a provocation, when in reality it isn't, only because these facts about genetics are not wide known enough... or maybe it's just about different cultures... who knows...
> 
> Saludetes
> 
> Mei
> 
> (Thanks to my foreros who helped me to write this )


 
Where did you hear that, Mei? 

It surprises me greatly as I would say that eye contact, just like the feeling of invasion of your individual space, is a cultural thing rather than a race thing. It's also a feeling that's open to individual interpretation and one person's comfort level is lower or higher than another person's, regardless of the colour of that person's skin, surely.



			
				jinti said:
			
		

> The signer can shift his or her gaze, because where he/she looks is part of the grammar of the language


.
I didn't know that jinti. How interesting. How is this reflected? Does looking backwards indicate the past etc?


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## Mei

zebedee said:


> Where did you hear that, Mei?
> 
> It surprises me greatly as I would say that eye contact, just like the feeling of invasion of your individual space, is a cultural thing rather than a race thing. It's also a feeling that's open to individual interpretation and one person's comfort level is lower or higher than another person's, regardless of the colour of that person's skin, surely.
> 
> .
> I didn't know that jinti. How interesting. How is this reflected? Does looking backwards indicate the past etc?



Hi there,

I heard it a long time ago in a class when I was maybe 15 yo... I can't say I know it for sure but that's what I've heard so I can be wrong, I mean, you all are saying it must be about the culture so maybe you're all right... but I don't think it is the same as the feeling of invasion of your individual space, maybe it depends of the person. 

Mei


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## zebedee

Mei said:


> Hi there,
> 
> I heard it a long time ago in a class when I was maybe 15 yo... I can't say I know it for sure but that's what I've heard so I can be wrong, I mean, you all are saying it must be about the culture so... you're surely right... I don't think it is the same as the feeling of invasion of your individual space, maybe it depends of the person.
> 
> Mei


 
I'm really going on my own personal experience here. When I arrived in Valencia from England, I was very surprised by the way people look directly in the eye of the people they pass on the street. In England when you pass someone in the street either you look the other way avoiding making eye contact with them or, if you happen to make eye contact, you acknowledge it with a smile. I spent the first couple of days smiling at passersby who were staring at me and not getting a smile back. It was very disconcerting. Now I'm used to it and probably do it myself now without realising it.

Another of my first impressions was that people here in Valencia have a much higher personal space intrusion threshold. They touch your arm while they speak to you and they lean in towards your face much more than I was used to in England without meaning to be threatening. 

That's why I said that eye contact and personal space intrusion are both cultural comfort levels.


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## Poetic Device

Eye contact is one of the most crucial things for me and my collegues.  You can tell that the person is interested or not by the way they look at you or if they do not look at you.  Also, it is a good way to start to tell if someone is lying.


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## Outsider

Yes, the liars make sure to look you straight in the eye, so that you won't suspect them.


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## Poetic Device

Looking is not just the only thing. For example, the amount of times that they blink is a way to see if they are lying (pending any medical conditions). BTW, you're a regular wise guy.


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## jinti

zebedee said:


> .
> I didn't know that jinti. How interesting. How is this reflected? Does looking backwards indicate the past etc?


 
Well, one time you use eye gaze is for pronouns or people. For instance, if I want to say _John told Mary that Leopold would be late, _I set up spaces around me for each person and tell you where they are: John's going to be here at my left, I'll put Mary on my right, and Leopold maybe a little further over. Now, every time I want to say _Mary_ or _she_ or _her_, I point to and look at Mary's spot on my right; every time I want to say _John_, I point to and look at his spot, etc. If I want to say _Leopold and Mary_, I indicate their places and look there. I can also move a sign (along with my gaze) from one place to another to show who did what to whom.

Also, where you look changes depending on the type of verb you're using. For example, with transitive verbs, eye gaze indicates the direct object of the sentence. (I'm oversimplifying here, but you get the idea, anyway.) Since word order is variable in ASL, this helps distinguish subjects from objects.

There's a lot more to it, much of which I don't get straight myself. Eye gaze and facial expressions are really easy waya to tell novice signers from advanced, even if they get the manual part of the signs right.


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## Vanda

> In England it is rude not to look a person in the eyes if you are speaking to them


.

Really?!   Well, our British teacher had a hard time wiht us, her Brazilian students in London, 'cause of our habit of looking at people's eyes when speaking. She spent some time telling us about British custom and how we should look at people when talking to them. For example, looking at their chin, the region around the eyes, and very fast to their eyes and not fixed the way we are used to do!


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## Mei

zebedee said:


> I'm really going on my own personal experience here. When I arrived in Valencia from England, I was very surprised by the way people look directly in the eye of the people they pass on the street. In England when you pass someone in the street either you look the other way avoiding making eye contact with them or, if you happen to make eye contact, you acknowledge it with a smile. I spent the first couple of days smiling at passersby who were staring at me and not getting a smile back. It was very disconcerting. Now I'm used to it and probably do it myself now without realising it.
> 
> Another of my first impressions was that people here in Valencia have a much higher personal space intrusion threshold. They touch your arm while they speak to you and they lean in towards your face much more than I was used to in England without meaning to be threatening.
> 
> That's why I said that eye contact and personal space intrusion are both cultural comfort levels.



Oh, I see... So surely it has to be with the culture, though. (I don't like when someone I don't know touch me when talks to me).

Here when you meet someone we give 2 kisses. Yesterday I met a canadian guy that lives in Paris and there (Paris) they'll give you 4 kisses every time you meet with them. I think it's so curios and I don't mind to do it. 

There is a good book that talks about "La comunicación no verbal"... I haven't read it yet but it is in my "list-of-books-2-read". 

Cheers

Mei


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## Etcetera

A small question. Are there moments when you start to feel uncomfortable because the person you're talking with looks you straight into the eyes?


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## don maico

Vanda said:


> .
> 
> Really?!   Well, our British teacher had a hard time wiht us, her Brazilian students in London, 'cause of our habit of looking at people's eyes when speaking. She spent some time telling us about British custom and how we should look at people when talking to them. For example, looking at their chin, the region around the eyes, and very fast to their eyes and not fixed the way we are used to do!


 I remeber talking to this deaf lady who had a habit of staring fixedly at ones face - eyes and mouth and standing only 30 cms away. It was very disconcerting particularly as she was attractive as well.


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## natasha2000

Etcetera said:


> A small question. Are there moments when you start to feel uncomfortable because the person you're talking with looks you straight into the eyes?


 
No, never. When I explain something to somebody, I like him/her to look me in the eye, so´I know I have their full attention. I do the same. If it is small talk, chit-chat... Then it is not so necessary to maintain constant eye contact. But if I explain something important, or vice versa, eye contact is important. This "important" doesn't have to be something of "vital" importance, of course, but if it is some a little bit serious talk... Look me in the eye, please ...

EDIT: Of course, this cannot be confused with staring and invading my personal space...


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## Stéphane89

It depends on the situation. It can be a sign of respect, of judgement, of hatred, provocation, insolence, impertinence,...

Not looking at the person you talk with is more regarded as a sign of rudeness than looking at him straight in the eyes.


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## Etcetera

natasha2000 said:


> No, never. When I explain something to somebody, I like him/her to look me in the eye, so´I know I have their full attention. I do the same. If it is small talk, chit-chat... Then it is not so necessary to maintain constant eye contact. But if I explain something important, or vice versa, eye contact is important. This "important" doesn't have to be something of "vital" importance, of course, but if it is some a little bit serious talk... Look me in the eye, please ...
> 
> EDIT: Of course, this cannot be confused with staring and invading my personal space...


Same with me, Natasha. 
I don't like people staring at me, but serious talk can't do without eye contact. 
Good eye contact even helps me to pass my exams!


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## jimbob44

While I agree with most here that eye contact is important, I admit that I have had a very hard time with it for most of my life. My father is American Indian and my mother is Irish American. I identify more with my father's side of the family and find that I share a lot of traits with them, like using minimal eye contact as a sign of respect and eating way too much fry bread. My main problem is that when I talk with people outside my family or cultural group, my lack of eye contact is often taken as disrespect or dishonesty. Sometimes I try to force eye contact to blend in, but it just comes off as unnatural and makes people (sometimes superiors!!!) noticeably uncomfortable and sceptical. On the flip side, I do great when I talk to fellow "eye-shy" people, but I do not run into too many of those types in sales. I would like to know if any of you have similar experiences and if so, have you found an effective solution or method for dealing with intercultural eye contact / communications?


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## Lucretia

Yes, as some of you said  _Avoiding an eye contact is normally interpreted as some kind of shame, guilt, or whatever that is not_ _right._
That's why V. Putin always leaves me with an unpleasant feeling when I see him on TV. _Huye la mirada._ On the other hand, it can be considered positive as a sign of qualms of conscience, which is a proof of its existence.   Some politicians are constantly lying and _not even wink (_a Russian calque).


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## Lusitania

And also at a personal level, as there are people that just can't look in others eyes, because sometimes they are shy.


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## Poetic Device

But there is a difference between shyness looking away and ashamed/lying looking away.  Along with the eyes, you can tell by noticing other things about their facial expressions.


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## Lusitania

True 



Mei said:


> Oh, I see... So surely it has to be with the culture, though. (I don't like when someone I don't know touch me when talks to me).


 
We also give 2 kisses but I have many italian collegues and when they kiss they give the first kiss on the opposite side. I give the right side and they give the left. We keep bumping into each others.

I also don't like being touched while talking unless I'm very familiar with the person. If I'm touched by a person while talking I will avoid eye contact as it makes me unconfortable.


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